What We Need When We Need It

I often write about how God usually sends us what we need at the exact time we need it. 
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Friday was a very emotional day. Not only was I worried about Madison, so sleep deprived, and missing Avery, but a friend of mine lost her husband after being ill with the flu and developing other complications. I worked with this friend back while I was in college, when their oldest child was just a baby. Although, I never got to spend a lot of one on one time with them, I so enjoyed working with her. She had a great attitude, bright smile and positive outlook on life. 


So many from my hometown had gathered either physically or wirelessly to join in prayer for their entire family. I worried for them, but prayed more. My previous post has a bit to do with what I was thinking last week while checking Facebook often to see if prayers had been answered. Unfortunately, Friday afternoon I got word that things had gone from bad to worse. 


I hid my emotions from Madison, but around 4 pm, Jason came to the hospital to relieve me. I got in the car, turned on my iPod, and cried during the 40 minute drive home for a shower. I so remember that raw emotion of those first few days. I've written many times about my experience, but have saved most of my writing for the in-progress book that I'm hoping to have published someday. 


The next day we got the good news that Maddie could go home. So, with Jason working and Avery not home, Madison and I sat down to watch a movie called Faith Like Potatoes. I've heard good things about it and was excited to just chill, relax, and enjoy time resting. 


I did good until about 3/4 of the way through the movie. Not so good. Why did that scene have to be in that movie at the exact time that I just wanted to forget the week? That scene gave me horrible flashbacks to the very day we lost my brother. 


Needless to say, I was in tears and not hiding it from Maddie anymore. Just in typical Maddie fashion, she creeped over toward me, started rubbing my hair, and said "It's ok momma." She knew I was sad about friend, she knew why I reacted as I did to the movie, and she knew the lack of sleep we have all been dealing with for 2 weeks. We ended up finishing the movie, and although it's really a great movie, I doubt I will be watching it again "for fun." 
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This morning I was having to motivate myself to get up and get ready for work. But we all made it out the door on time! 


I had a long day of training ahead of me and was just glad I didn't have to teach! 


As I rounded the corner to the computer lab, I caught a glimpse of one of my favorite people ever. I've written about this family before after losing their daughter. I had the oldest son during my very first year of teaching and now, ironically enough, I work with him. I have always loved his family, but after their ordeal, I grew to admire them more than they even know. So, this mom has subbed as a nurse before and the last time I ran into her, was a time when I really needed to see her. 


Today was no different. I shared with her my weeks events and how I just wanted to relax on Saturday. She shared with me that the same thing happened with her when she tried to watch the movie Fireproof and one of the first scenes from that movie. Boy, did I ever understand that. 


She is such a strong, Christian woman who has shown the greatest of strength at the most difficult of times. Her presence alone just makes you feel all warm inside. And every time I see and talk to her, I remember my own strength and what an abundant life I have. I truly can only hope that I can bless someone's life the way that she has done for so many. 


And yet again God sent me exactly what I needed at the exact time I needed it. 

There is " No Plan B"

I've discussed on this blog once before the option of Plan B. 


My reading of The Shack has brought me and many people I've encountered into a new dimension of understanding  those things in life that aren't part of our first plan. 


Though, as we are going through them it feels as though someone is punishing us. I've been there a few times, and as I've said before the death of my brother was one of those greater times. 


I avoided reading The Shack because I did not want to revisit those emotions. I didn't want to keep asking why or keep not understanding the "plan." I knew the basis of the story and just couldn't bring myself to read about that type of situation or read the families reaction. 


As God always does, he continues to try to get into my thick hard-headed brain and feed my spirit and soul the food it needs to go to the next step. 


Now, as weeks have gone by and I've let the "dust of the book settle" I've tried to keep myself in the same frame of mind that I left the book. 


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Recently, so many of the friends I have either close by or long distances have been sick or have family members sick. 


Some of them had great hurdles to overcome because of how things are with the flu, h1n1, and the increase in pneumonia, or strep. 


For whatever reason, things may not always turn out the way we expect or hope. I've been praying non-stop for specific families the past few weeks. Some have the endings we expect and others have not. 


I've been thinking about this for a while and then today realized:  There is No Plan B in God's plan. He doesn't need a backup. 


We only have a "plan b" because the way we planned it didn't happen or because we expected much different results. Our perceptions require us to have a plan B. 


I know I can find many, many, many "plan b's" in my life and I'm sure you might be able to, as well: 


* adoption
*death of a young family member or a family member for any reason
*illnesses
*divorce
*step parenting
*loss of a job
*broken relationships


I think Plan B's make us feel like we are more in control and just possibly they give us great hope for our future despite whatever tribulation we have had to endure. 


However, I believe that just because "God works incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies doesn't mean He orchestrates the tragedy."


People use to tell me and my family all those generic things you say after someone passes: " God knew something we didn't." "God has a plan" "God has His reasons." There were times I even found myself saying those phrases later in life because that was what I'd heard. But after years of thinking about my own situation and reading as much as I can, my mind opened to a new thought. 


To me those phrases mean that we are in a sense blaming God for that event that has unfolded. Maybe blaming is too strong of a word, but I don't believe God reasoned a tragedy, illness, or struggle. My God doesn't work that way and I'm faithful in knowing that He has the ultimate power to take senseless events and turn them around for the good of all of us. 


He promises to never leave us. His plan is THE plan. It's hard to remember that but God is good and loves us all the time - not just during the stuff we plan. 


"All things must unfold even though it puts all those He loves in the midst of a world of horrible tragedy and loss - even the ones closest to Him." 

I Hope You Dance.....

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance 


This has been my song to Maddie since she was a baby. I use to dance with her everyday to this song. 


She is my "old soul" daughter. Most times when we meet people, like today at the hospital, everyone comments on how mature she is for her age. She is mature. She is so perceptive and knowledgeable. She listens to everything and already teaches me so much. 


I've always believed that God puts people in your life purposefully. I think our children are no exception. Even though we are their parents, they are given to us as a gift. I try to remember this even when life can get busy and chaotic. If we take the time to look closely, we can see God through their words, actions, and love. 


Madison dreams big dreams and even copies my practice in creating a dream board (aka vision board).
I started this practice when she was about 3 or 4 and she sat down right along with me and created her own board. When we look back many of our dreams or hopes have actually happened: me meeting Harry Connick, Jr, her having a High School Musical Party, even down to the exact dining room table I have. At times I forget the power of our thoughts, words, and visions. 


Madison doesn't. She says that she will be an artist. She has said this for years. I even wrote a while back about the piece she wrote about "God given talent." She loves creating, drawing, coloring and teaching. She attended an art camp this summer and thrived. However, when I ask if she'd like to take an art class after school, her response was "No, mom. I don't want other people to tell me what to draw or how to draw." 


No argument from me. :) I don't want people to tell me what to dream or how to dream either. 


We discuss all the possibilities of her love for art: making and decorating cakes, being an architect, designing clothes, .......


I have an admiration for her that she may never know. I admire her love for everyone. I admire her giving nature. I admire her sense of humor. I admire her strength. I admire her artistic abilities. I admire her love for God and the ongoing conversations she tells me about having with Him. 


I adore her laugh, her smile, her hugs, and her ability to carry on a conversation with most adults. 


I hope that she is reminded of God's greatness. I hope that she continues to dream and keep them in sight. I hope that she will always remember that when doors close, many others open. I hope I have given her enough love, wisdom, and insightfulness that she will always choose to dance. 




Here's her art from this past week - she decided what and how.....

She's Got A Way

She's got a way about her

She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her

She's got a way of pleasin'
I don't know what it is
But there doesn't have to be a reason
Anyway

She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know why it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me

She's got a way of talkin'
I don't know what it is
But it lifts me up when we are walkin'
Anywhere

She comes to me when I'm feelin' down
Inspires me without a sound
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Ah, Avery. The child that had I had her first would be an only child. I say that out of a lot of love and a lot of expelled energy. 

I always love to tell of how when I was pregnant with her I was still running at 5 months, eating right, avoiding all the things I was suppose to, only eating the things that I knew were good for both of us. 
She was energetic the whole time, and during labor, I was busy talking about the Mavs in the playoffs. Days later, I was already back to my workout regimen and feeling great. Easy peasy. 

However, after 4 1/2 years with her, she has been the one who makes me cry the most and laugh the most. Probably because she is just like me. 

I see it on a daily basis and just today told her that there wasn't enough space for two of us. You may laugh, but the two of us wear me out and Jason and Maddie I'm sure. 

Maddie definitely puts up with a lot of drama when Avery is around. Just today at the dr while Maddie sounded as if she'd cough up a lung any minute, she politely asked to leave the room and wait outside while Avery got her 5 shots. Good call. Took 3 of us holding her down and it's a wonder one of us didn't leave deaf. That girl has got a set of lungs on her. 

I've decided to document some of her funniest moments, phrases and words here, mostly for myself but also just to make you laugh during a week where so many have been sick. 


Preschool

 Avery is in her 2nd year of preschool. She loved it last year, but this year we've had a different encounter. Starting about 2 weeks ago, I started getting little notes in her folder from her teacher about how "Avery isn't finishing her work" "Avery is the last one finishing" "Avery stopped coloring because she said her hand was tired" ....and so on. So, after these little notes, I went to the store, bought a few preschool books, crayons, white board markers, and some scissors. We do a page a day and work on the small things - finishing the page. 


About a week ago, while dropping Maddie off at school, I asked Avery "Tomorrow is preschool are you going to be good?" In the rear view mirror I see her shake her head no. 


"No?"
"I mean yes, mama. I'll be good." 
"Will you finish your work?"
"Yes"

A few minutes go by...

"I don't like preschool."
"Why, Avery?"
"It's hard work and I'm already sick of it." 


The next day I pick her up, check her folder and see that she only colored the roof of a barn black. The rest was as it was given to her. 


"Avery, why didn't you finish coloring your barn?'
"I did."
"It's white." 
"Just the other day we passed a white barn with a black roof." 

Looks like I couldn't argue with that. 


So, this past week I get an e-mail from her teacher. 


I love her sense of humor. She tells little stories and says her sister cracks her up. 


Well, at least I didn't make up that she is funny. I'm just hoping that her stories are TRUE. She'll still tell you point blank that she doesn't like preschool and IS NOT going to kindergarten.

Doctor Vists
She is the child that I wait until the very last minute to tell about ANY doctor visit.

The dentist trip was a disaster because I mistakenly took her for Madison and told her a day in advance that she was going. She cried the entire way there because she didn't want them to take pictures (xrays). Thank goodness she wasn't due for them on this visit. That didn't make it any easier, though. She wrestled us just getting in the chair. These dentists don't mess around: they have DVD players, wireless headphones and TV screens on the ceiling; game room, stickers, and prizes. We left with no tears and hopefully an easier visit for next time.

Last week we went to the dr. just to make sure she wasn't sickly. I didn't tell her until we drove up to the dr's office. She asked me the whole way there:

"Where are we going, mama?"
"Oh, just for a little drive." 
"Where?"
"it will be fine. I promise."

I had to talk her out of the car and still she went in with tears left on her face. They promised her no shots on that visit. She was a big girl even during the strep test.

Today was a little different story, though. I told her that they were only going to weigh her and check her ears.

"Are you sure that's all they're going to do?"
"I think." 
"Are they giving me a shot?" 
"I don't think so." 
"TELL THEM, MAMA. TELL THEM NO SHOTS!"
"Ok. I'll tell them." 

Upon entering and check in, she immediately tells them she doesn't want a shot. The nurse just nods and smiles. The receptionist calls me back over and says "She's getting 4 shots today. 5 if we do the flu shot."

I knew this, but never promised she wouldn't get a shot. Just that I would tell them she didn't want them. Ah, the fun of parenting different children.

They call us back, she hesitates with weight, eye check, and height. We get in the room and she's already crying. Good thing I brought reinforcements (aka Jason) with me.

After Maddie was finished, I sent her out to get her school note.  Avery looks at me and says -

"Why am I still sitting up here if they are done with me?" 
"Am I done?" 
"Are we going home now?" 
"I'm still sitting here, mama."

Her dr who has been their dr since both of their births, looked at us and said "She's too smart for her own good." 

I will spare you the details of getting 5 shots, but it wasn't pretty and the 3 of us were almost in tears when it was over. 

Good news: She is done until she is 12! And since the shot is why she was refusing kindergarten, she says she's ready for it now! 
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I leave you with some of her funniest phrases lately:

*Unspickable (dispicable like on Looney Tunes.) You are unspickable, Jason. 
*Cracking smoke ( rearranged from my phrase smoking crack) Mom, Maddie is cracking smoke again. 
*Memember (remember) Memember when I was little I use to call lotion sasa?
*Avery-ham lincoln (Abraham Lincoln) Avery-ham Lincoln is on the penny!
*Would you please teach me karate (
*I can't stop breathing (Jason responds "Good. You're not suppose to!")
*Don't be mean to your children (anytime I make her mind or tell her no)
*I heard lightening. I knew there was storm. Get out the glow sticks! (she actually watches the weather)


No matter what is going on around me, whatever stress or struggle that is happening, she always makes me smile and reminds me that life can be fun all the time. :) 

Control, God Winks, and Advice

Recently, I posted a quote from one of my new favorite pieces of literature, The Shack. 


"You're going to find this day a lot easier if you simply accept what is, instead of trying to fit it into your preconceived notions."



Not many people responded. As I thought to myself, I thought, maybe people don't really like giving up that control of life random chaos or their already set preconceptions. 

I know I didn't. 


It took me at least a month to get used to the idea of being pregnant again. Of course, Jason and I had discussed it and I knew we'd add to our family, but in my "plan" and my "timing."  I expected to make it a reality "later." Not that much later, just 6 months or so. I wanted time alone with Jason, time to be in my job, and time to just be. 


So, I'm not embarrassed to say that in the middle of everyone's excitement - it took me awhile to mentally get there. Ignorance is bliss and with Maddie, I had no idea how pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting would change my life, my heart, my mind and my spirit. With Avery, I had at least "been there, done that." 


After the announcement of our pregnancy (I say ours because it truly affects us all), I have finally been able to revel in the excitement with everyone else. Now in week 14/15, I have a lot more energy, not feeling as sick, and am able to do the day-to-day routine a lot better. 


But I will not lie. I am not the pregnant lady that will tell you "this is the best I've felt my whole life" or "it was my favorite time in my life." Yes, I realize the blessing; yes, I know what a miracle the whole process is, however, as a semi-control freak with day-to-day operations in my life, it puts a damper on what I can do, what I can eat, etc. I know after 2 what happens to my body, what physical limitations are put on me, how difficult recovery can be, life with a newborn, and so on. 


My mind has finally caught up to what is. 
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I've written about God Winks before. I've even discussed how I was included in SQuire Rushnell's second God Wink book. What an honor that was: talking with him, meeting him, and still corresponding with him. I love the message he conveys in his book and enjoy reading such heartwarming stories about other people who have had "god winks." 


As I've said before, I DO NOT believe in coincidences. It wasn't a coincidence that in my time of panic about the pregnancy that The Shack kept popping up in conversation, in ads, on peoples coffee tables, and in the grocery store. Finally, after about the 7th incident, I threw the book in my cart, looked up and said "Fine." 


Little did I know the healing and the attitude adjustment that it would give me. After putting it down, I said "Tisha, you must stop being so arrogant. His plan goes far and wide." His plans are always much wider and farther than we ever can imagine or see. 

So, presently I'm reading The Alchemist. Like The Shack, it has continually popped up over several years and when I saw it on the shelf, I decided to go with it. It's a fable about a shephard boy finally realizing his dream and following it to find and fulfill his purpose. 


"God has prepared a path for everyone to follow. You just have to read the sign [omens, god winks] that He left for you."


It reminds me so much of the work I've put into my book. I know that the book has a purpose, even if it is just for my girls to have and use during those difficult times in their own lives. 


I must see it through to the end. 
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Today, I began discussing both books and my struggle with my mind catching up with what is and how I've been working on my own book (dream, journey).  As I said that, Madison's former teacher sat across from me and said "I heard/saw a guy today talking about God winks." 


What!? You mean SQuire?


I began sharing with her my knowing SQuire, being in the book and some of the god winks in my own life. It was nice to share a little god wink of our own! 


Funny that today, I sat down to respond to his Facebook message. In it he was giving me advice on what paths to pursue once I finish my own book.  One of the things he said to me was this: 


"Unless YOU get it out of the store...no one else will." 


We have to let go of the control from the things we cannot change, but we must seize those that we can. 


I love this piece of advice because it could be said for everything in life: 
dreams
love
relationships
jobs
attitudes
struggles


Unless WE put the work into it, no one else will and we will never see what can be. 

God Loves Surprises

Anytime I find something worthy of mentioning, I eagerly find my computer, time to blog and something good to drink.

I recently bought The Shack. I have known many people who have read it, recommended it, and loved it. For some reason, I actually resisted the reading. I guess something inside of me knew that the book would have a great affect on my soul.

I bought the book Thursday night and by Saturday had devoured the entire piece like I would a good piece of chocolate. My soul needed the book, the passages, and the imagery at this exact moment. I found myself smiling, thinking, contemplating, and sobbing.

For anyone that has lost someone very dear and close like a child or a sibling, this book will pull out all kinds of emotions from you. It will comfort you, make you think again, and give you a different perspective than you've ever expected. Most likely it will do this to you anyway.

If you feel a tugging to read it. Do it. I'm convinced that you will get something out of it and pass it on to others that may need it.

Here are some of my favorite passages:

Jesus: An awful lot of what is done in my name has nothing to do with me and is often, even if unintentional, very contrary to my purposes.

Papa (God): When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of me.

Papa (God): You're going to find this day a lot easier if you simply accept what is, instead of trying to fit it into your preconceived notions.

Sarayu (Spirit): Many of those so-called bad plants, like this one, contain incredible properties for healing or are necessary for some of the most magnificent wonders when combined with something else.

Jesus: We are not done there.

Papa (God): There is no Plan B.

Jesus: She (God) loves surprises, and even though you might not think it, her timing is always perfect.

This last passage meant a lot more to me than it normally would. In the past few weeks I've had to get use to a new idea that wasn't expected until later on. For all sorts of reasons, it just didn't seem feasible at this exact moment. But later? Yeah, I was good with that. You know, when "my plan and timing" was right. The seemingly random chaos of life has brought us to a new phase in our lives and we are excited to share it with you. Jason, the girls and I will be enjoying one of God's special surprises sometime at the end of March. :)

I Know I Can

*waving* Hello, blog readers! Here I am again. Things have been busy. *cough* cough* That's an understatement.

Work has been busy, but life has been busier. All those power struggles I thought I would have were shadowed by life.

We've all heard the saying "Life gets in the way of other plans." Well, it seems that my life continues to teach me this no matter how many times I think I've learned it.

After training 9 days in a row, my mind is exhausted. Even so, I can still look you in the eye and tell you how much I love my job; how much joy it gives me to help others; how much I love working with people and learning what it takes to get them to reach new levels. I can tell you how much I love using a microphone. Wow. I was able to use microphone all morning and didn't want to stop talking. Once I spoke, all eyes were attentive listening to what I had to say. Ha! Not like it was that important, but still. I realized I could probably do that weekly and be relaxed doing it. Who would've thought - as a child I was soooo shy and never wanted eyes on me. Weird that I'd rather speak to large audiences through a mic, but tell me you have thrown me a party with 50 of my friends, and I would freak. So, exhausted or not - I am thankful for a job I enjoy.

For the past two weeks, while training, I've also been going to multiple dr visits. Maddie has been sick. Symptoms are crazy and don't seem to go together. My mind has been worried, my heart achy from watching her grimace in pain and tell me it hurts. We have tried everything and taken tons of tests (all which have come back normal so far).

When she first complained, I thought 'Well, it will be something easy, fixable.' My mind never once allowed the thought that she might not be well enough for school. Until this week.

After Friday's visit, I walked out pretty sure even the one dr I had the most faith in didn't know what was wrong. Worry set in. It didn't help that almost everyone around me was saying it was "just stress." Hmmm. Maybe, but I live with her day in and day out. I watch her. I talk with her. I know she's not "faking" her symptoms just for attention. I know she wishes more than anything she wasn't sick and could be with her friends.

I'd planned to rest over the weekend. Saturday I thought we would all make a park visit and get some fresh air, but later that morning Jason called and said he was in ER. Accident at work. Nothing major. Minor and hurting, but he's ok. That put me in a completely different mood. What was the deal? Little did I know, him being home this week would be a HUGE blessing and couldn't come at a more right time.

So after 4 dr visits in a week and hearing the news that she will have to miss the very first day of school, I can only find myself finding comfort and strength in the one thing that has always gotten me through.

God gives to His servants this promise:
You’ll not have to face life alone;
And when you grow weak in your struggle,
His strength will prevail—not your own.

I absolutely DO NOT believe in coincidences. So, when I walked into convocation on Tuesday and sat in the back of our new auditorium with all of those educators, I knew I'd hear something inspiring. I wished and hoped I would. Then, this from photojournalist Dewitt Jones:

"Change is our ally. Times of the most change, offer the most possibility. Live in uncertainty and act in confidence. When we believe it we will see it. It wasn't how you planned it, but what is right with the situation?"

This youtube clip doesn't do the entire video justice.(If you would like a longer clip - email me) It brought me back to the core of what I believe. And I needed it because I was in doubt.

I had forgotten that when at the edge of a cliff, the winds can take us higher than we imagine.