Knowing better, doing better

I could tell you that the exchanges between me and the ex were always pleasant, but you wouldn't believe me. I will speak candidly about this today. 

Truthfully, they are usually painful each and every time. I am hopeful and faithful that this will change. Friends have told me that I'm hoping in vain and that most likely nothing will change. Like always, though, one of my weaknesses is always seeing the good in everyone. At times this doesn't work in my favor. 

It's very hard watching your children go through a relationship that seems to mimic your past relationship with their father. Without going into much detail in order to protect everyone involved, I will only say that the dynamic of the relationships are complete opposite and yet so familiarly the same as the one with me. Before, I could sort of shield everyone including myself from the pain that was. Before, I could coach everyone on what to say and how to say it. Now, though, I have to be in the background as a support: watching and waiting. Waiting for what exactly?

Aren't we all waiting for something? Something to change? Someone to change? A relationship to heal? A relationship that is fulfilling? Waiting for forgiveness? Waiting for love? Waiting for a realization? Waiting for acceptance? 

Instead of waiting and regretting, I see that I was living so unconsciously until about the time I turned 29 or 30. Unconscious of my words, actions, and decisions. I'm working hard on accepting the things I cannot change. I am trying greatly to come to the acceptance that those relationships might not change. They might, but maybe my girls will. I've said before that I want them to be strong women and to stand bold in their boundaries with everyone, including men. 

Today, I'm acknowledging that I need to accept a few things. I need to accept where my life is now, today. I need to accept my past and those past relationships. I need to accept that I cannot be the "fixer" of all things. I need to accept that it's ok to say "no" and not worry about hurt feelings. I need to accept that I cannot control others' emotions or actions. I need to accept life in the spot where I am right now. I need to accept that having regrets always takes someone you love out of your life. If it weren't for any part of the past, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have all that I do today. Those special people in my life would've never made it to my heart. 

I see that as I know better, I do better. I am working hard on doing better with relationships, boundaries, goals, time management, and parenting. Knowing better and doing better brings about change. I accept that today the only person I can change and the only thing I can change is myself. 

God's Gifts

What a week and what gifts God brought! I did all that I'd planned on doing and more. We spent time at Six Flags and the zoo. The girls had a blast at Six Flags and I cannot wait to take them back as they get older. I don't think I've laughed that much in years.  (or spent that much money on a single corn dog.)

Maddie lost another tooth and Avy learned to write her name (sort of). I think they both went through a growth spurt. After buying Maddie shoes, I was shocked to find that she nows wears a 3. ?! When did that happen? Probably after she began eating everything in sight. :) 

My time off was healing and rejuvenating. Well, all except for those 3 hours it took to actually get into the zoo, but the time I spent on the porch reading, drinking coffee and talking with those I love the most made up for it. 

We finally started going back to church. Its always hard to readjust to life - the new normal. New friends, new churches, new routines......we all really like this church and love the positive attitudes we walk out with each week. I have decided to join the church as they do a Daniel fast for the next 21 days. No meats, breads, processed foods, fried, sugar, preservatives. Water and protein shakes. In addition, I am doing another body cleanse. Since last year, I try to do this once every 6 months. What a difference I feel each time and how clear my mind feels afterwards. I'm excited about refocusing and re-centering myself through the fast. Unlike times before, I'm pretty confident that I can do this one. I'm guessing you have to be mentally, spiritually, and physically ready. If your not, then it doesn't work. 

Another thing I've added this week is my reading of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Some of you might remember that I read his most recent book A New Earth last year. Such a controversial book and criticized by many who haven't even read the book. However,  I love that all the things he mentions are things I knew, but didn't really put into practice. Especially now, I realize that if we are not present; if we spent too much time in our minds thinking about the past or the future, we are wasting the gift of the moment. 

With that thought, I've decided to share with you something that my biggest girl wrote yesterday after church. When I was finished, I began thanking God for such an insightful little girl. She is such an old soul, so deep and thoughtful. She grasps so many concepts that many kids her age (or mine) don't surrender to at all. 

What is a gift? God gave you one God-given talent. My God-given talent is art. Everybody has a talent. That is what's special about them. Everybody has a word for the talent that they get. My word is artistic. The other gifts are the ones you can just have fun with. Art calms me down. Maybe other talents can calm you down. Did you know that a talent can turn into a dream? Did you know that a talent can change your life if you just use it wisely? 

Great Women

Since this month is Women's History Month, I thought it befitting to do a few posts over great women. When I began thinking of the great women in my life, I was surprised that the list was so long!

I'm so thankful that these women have come into my life. A few have stayed, but some of the greatest have gone and left such a great heart-print on my life. I think of all of them as so incredibly strong. Funny. Just in the past week, several people have said or written to me "Tisha, you must be strong because . . ." Ha! A lot they know. I do not feel strong most of the time, at least not on my own accord. 

Of all the women that I think of as strong, I think of my own birth mother. I've said this while blogging before, but as a mother myself, I cannot think of a greater strength and love: giving up your own child so they may be cared for in ways you are aware you cannot provide. Adoption stories are always so close to my heart. As I get older, they always, without a doubt, bring tears to my eyes. I admire her so much for something I'm pretty sure I couldn't do. 

As for women that I don't know, personally, one of my favorite strong women is Maya Angelou. If you have not had the chance to read some of her writings, do. She has a great story and is such an inspiration to so many, including me. 

I leave you with an excerpt from each of my favorite of her poems and dedicate them to the strongest of women in my life: 

Still I Rise

. . . 

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops

Weakened by my soulful cries. 

. . . 

You may shoot me with your words, 

You may cut me with your eyes, 

You may kill me with your hatefulness, 

But still, like air, I'll rise. 

Phenomenal Woman

. . . 

Now you understand 

Just why my head's not bowed

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud. 

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say, 

It's in the click of my heels, 

The bend of my hair, 

The palm of my hand, 

The need of my care. 

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally. 

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.

Red Light Stop

Haven't we all been going somewhere only to find ourselves sitting at the never-ending red light? 

Today, I found myself sitting at the only red light in town with 3 minutes to get to the one HS class I teach that was about 4 miles on the other side of town. It seemed to last longer than ever. Typical. 

But something happened while I was sitting at that light. I realized that God has His ways of making us stop and breathe. I was forced to take a much needed emotional breath. My day has been crazy. Avery went to preschool crying. Then, her teacher told me that she has had bouts of sporadical crying for the past month. (why she didn't feel the need to tell me, I have no idea)

And my job. I love my job, don't get me wrong. It's the best job I've ever had. (don't gag, it's the truth) However, some days are a bit overwhelming. Each hour I usually have appointments of some sort: with individual teachers, with classrooms of elementary students, with administrators or with a random person who catches me in the hall and has a technology "emergency." 

2 days before Spring Break and all I can think is "Who cares about spring?" "GIVE ME THE BREAK!" I like to think that God has a sense of humor. Hence, the red light. :) 

I'm tired of checking the time, the calendar, my schedule. For the next 9 days, I want to live life w/out being at someone's beck and call. I don't want to travel the entire time and find myself burnt out more than before. I desperately need to sleep late, sit outside with a cup of coffee, blog a bit more, write more of my book, color with the girls, and see where the day takes us. I wish that we all could be forced to take a "spring break." I think our society would benefit from the time off. Why does the break only happen during school/college? Someone seriously needs to study this and figure up the results. 

Anyhoo. . . . it turns out that the red light also helped me in another way. 1 mile after I turned at said red light, I passed a nice police car. Whew! *sigh* 

Necessary Boundaries

We all need them. We all struggle to keep them. Some of us overstep them. Boundaries. 

My week seemed to take a turn around Tuesday. Tuesdays are like that always. Mark my words. Tuesdays seem to take on a life of their own with me. I've blogged about it before in the 1st chapter. 

For some reason, this Tuesday's theme was boundaries. I had to deal with several people and several situations where people overstepped their boundaries. I'm not sure how I really dealt with this before. Probably the same as I did as a kid. I never want to make anyone upset. I have difficulty telling people that they need to "step back." I don't want to disappoint. On this particular Tuesday, I think I had to redirect at least 3 people due to a boundary issue. Wow. The amazing thing is that I handled it. I wasn't rude or disrespectful, but I called it like it was and refused to give away my power.

The past year has taught me a lot about what is ok and what is NOT ok. When you say no, it means no. When someone is making themselves part of your conversation to someone else, they need to be redirected. When a person is trying to enter your life after saying, "No, thanks," they need to set straight. When someone is trying to manipulate a situation, call them on it. 

This is something that I'm now addressing with the girls. I feel that discussing it with them at a young age might help prevent them from being "run over" in the future. Girls, especially, need to be taught that their voice matters and no one has the right to discount their opinion, thoughts, or words. To help with this idea, I'm seriously considering putting them in karate. Actually, I'm seriously thinking of taking it with them. Ironically, this month is Women's History Month. I'm so glad that during this time there are so many strong women for my girls to look up to and, thankfully, some of them are in our lives now. 

Boundaries. We all need to be more conscious of them. Wednesday was a new day and as I sat down at my desk at the administration building, I noticed my co-workers desk. Coincidence? There hasn't been one in my life yet. Sitting neatly on her desk was a copy of Boundaries. 

There are no words......

Truthfully, this has been the most crazy emotional year of my life. I had a year like that once. The year we lost my brother. However, much of it is hazy and I know that all I really had to take care of was my own emotions. At eleven, that was a lot. Today, though, I realize after going through the emotional ups and downs of a divorce, I can tell you that this has been much more difficult simply because I've had two young girls to think of through it all. Their emotions can be all over the place and in combination with mine it can be tough to handle. It takes a lot of conscious living to make sure we all take in a deep breath and then remember to breathe out. There really are no words to truly describe it all and unless you've been there you really have no idea. 

There have been a handful of people that we've kept close to our hearts and to our sides that have helped tremendously through it all. As always, they know who they are and they know how much we love and appreciate them. For them, I will never have the words to thank them enough. Their love enveloped us like a great big giant hug. 

So, after a crazy year and finally feeling like my two feet are planted firmly on the ground, here I am. :) I've been through the trenches, dealt with the emotions, found a new hope, learned so much, and am ready to carry on. 

The funny thing about being divorced is that people tend to think that they are officialy crowned matchmakers. I'm definitely not one to go out and find dates, but PLEASE. :) It cracks me up. Friends and coworkers have tried to set me up with their sons, their friends, fellow single teachers and each time I just laugh. It seems that the matchmaking process is much more fun for others than it is the actual single person. I never have the words to tell these "kind" people that I'm really ok without their "help." 

Another odd thing about it all is getting used to the realities of you and your ex-spouse dating others. I definitely don't mind that the ex is dating. The girls didn't seem to mind it either. But now that a 2nd and 3rd girl have entered in the equation, they seem much more uninterested. We all actually really liked the first girl. Weird, right? No words again..........

The bottom line is for the first time in 32 years I feel that I know myself better than I ever have. I know I still have a lot to learn, but knowing what I want, need and deserve is a great compass for the future. Last week, I found an old journal from several years ago. In it I had listed about 15 qualities that I knew were priority to me in a relationship. This was so empowering to find and read. Writing helps me to think things through. When I think things through I find what is important to me and what I need out of life/friends/spouse/relationships.

This leads me to, finally, share with you one last thing that I cannot find the words for.....

To some it will seem too soon, for others it will seem it is a God-send, and some will never voice their opinion because they feel left out of the loop. I believe some parts of our lives are meant to be dealt with in private and once we've come through it all, we are really ready to share it in a different light.

We will call him J. J and I met through a mutual friend. It seemed that we were both closing the doors on something that was extremely important in our lives - me, one thing, him, another. We instantaneously became friends. There was a connection there that I will never be able to explain.  Only those that have experienced that kind of connection will be able to understand what I mean. Was it because we both had similar childhoods? Was it because we both could understand the disappointments that each other felt with friends, family, and people in our lives? Was it because we'd both been through similar experiences in relationships? Was it because we both had the same goals, beliefs, and motivations? For me, that connection has only happened with one or two people in my whole life. The connections cannot be explained, for there are no words. Words are limiting.

J does not live close and so for the first time in my life I was forced by circumstance to really get to know him. You know, talking and communicating....about everything. Jobs, friends, dreams, goals, family, marriage, children, challenges, hopes.....however, at first, I was very closed off from talking about what I was actually going through. I was closing off from most everyone, hence the no blogging era (July - now).

As our friendship grew, so did our respect and admiration for the other. See, I could sit with you one-on-one and tell you why my marriage failed - on both parts. I could also sit with you and tell you what has to be in a relationship in order for it to continue like it should. 

As time went on, J learned more and more about my situation. More about the girls. And the people in my small circle of trust began knowing more about J. The thing about him is that everyone in that circle loved him before even meeting him. And once they met him, well, the rest as they say is history. 

The girls have met him and love him. The ex has met him and believes that he genuinely loves the girls and I. The parents have met him and adore him. The best friends have given the thumbs up, as well. Finally, I understand the importance of the opinions of those closest to me. They know me better than I know myself sometimes and to know what they truly think is a great comfort.

I really wasn't looking for someone to take on such baggage. Actually, I didn't think there was anyone out there that could. J is different. I won't impend on our privacy, but I know he wouldn't mind me sharing what I have here.  

He is such a blessing in my life. He brings out the Tisha that was gone for so long. He makes all things easier to take on. He looks at me in a way that no one has ever looked at me before. He knows instinctively when I'm sad, anxious, or being mischievous. He is wonderful with the girls. He tunes into Maddie's emotional, artsy side and can turn around and be crazy with Avery. The girls have noticed that he makes me laugh all the time. They even pointed out that I am more fun now that J is around. (wow, I was that boring and stressed before?) We have the most fun no matter what we're doing ( moving, playing softball, grocery shopping, or playing hide and seek with the girls). 

I firmly believe that God brings people into our lives when we need them the most. He's done it once again, and once again, there are no words.........

Hang on to Your.......

*sigh* Well, I'm back. I can't believe it either. With the approach of Spring and the newness of things around me, I feel rejuvenated, recovered, and remarkable. I'm ready. Ready for blogging. I've been gone a long time. Such is life. A new chapter begins and I'm ready to get back on the bandwagon and take this journey on.....

I'm still speaking soundly. 

But for today and for the beginning of your weekend, here's a funny little mommy story for you. 

****************************************************

Avery has been going to preschool every T/Th since September. Each week they study a letter of the alphabet and each Thursday they bring a show and tell item that begins with that letter. Being a single mom of 2 little girls has it's challenges and so more often than not, we do not get to school with the show and tell of the week. 

This week was "U." Avery colored a beautiful version of an umbrella. Her coloring is such an improvement since Letter D. Her dog just wasn't what I expected. ;) 

So, we get home and she unloads her backpack with her cola dyed egg, her folder, and her lunchbox. I read her folder and her teacher left a nice note "We had a great day! Cute show and tell!" 

WHAT SHOW AND TELL?!?!? I barely made it out of the house with everyone in the car. 

I ask Avery - "What did you take for show and tell?"

Avery - "Underwear" (so matter of factly)

Me - "Where did you get the underwear?" (fearful of this answer)

Avery - "From my backpack." (If only I'd known she'd be showing these to her whole school, I might've made a point to send a NEW pair.)

LMAO! I always keep an extra pair of panties in her backpack in case of accidents. Apparently she's been use to this for quite some time. In typical Avery fashion, she's always prepared and flies by the seat of her pants. . . . .or panties.............