Blech

Blech. 

Blech. 

Blech. 

I haven't blogged lately because this is how I feel. I'll say it again. Blech.

Today was blech. I feel down. Not really depressed but emotional. Sad. Angry. Annoyed. I can't say why, but it wasn't the best day in history, right? 

I wasn't a HUGE fan of Farrah or Michael. And Ed never showed up at my door knocking with a million dollar prize. But just as I am human, anytime a human life is mourned I get sad along with everyone else. 

All of a sudden I want to sit and listen to Michael Jackson songs. It would be a first. I don't think I even own one song. 

The one thing that has really been bothering me lately is the fact that I'm sick. Not like the flu or a cold. Honestly, I don't really know what I have, which is part of the frustrating part. If you don't know what it is, you don't really know how to help the problem. I do my best to exercise and eat whole organic foods, but I really have no idea if it's helping at all. 

Many people, especially those I grew up with probably had no idea, but at age 11 I was diagnosed with something called Crohn's disease. After reseach, drs don't know what causes it and only know how to control it. It will never just go away. Severe cases required medication. I never really had difficulty with it and other than a few "episodes" during stressful times in my teen years, no one would've known I had it. My right side usually hurts much like apendicitis, but it's not. The pain is usually so bad that I cannot walk. But it usually doesn't last more than a few hours and I've never had to take regular medication for the symptoms. 

I do have to stay away from the following: broccoli, roughage (lettuce), fried foods, caffeine, refined sugars, cheese, milk.............

See? even some of the good stuff isn't good for me. BLECH. 

It obviously had no effect on having kids. I went through 2 pregnancies and had no flare ups. I've had to go through the tests though. Twice so far. Usually once every 10 years. You know, the test where you have to drink that chalky drink? BLECH. They never really found any sign of distress during those tests. 

However, in the past 6 weeks I've had 2 of the most difficult flare ups that I've ever experienced in my life. What concerns me the most is: 1. No one really knows what is causing it. 2. The pain is much different and  much worse  than ever before. 

So. Monday I will call my new best friend, Dr. Eidem and schedule another round of tests. I'm less than thrilled to say the least, but for peace of mind I must know if the Chron's is getting worse, if it might not be the Crohn's, or if I just have too many stressful people in my life. 

There were some perks to the day, though, and as I always say an attitude of gratitude is the only way to live: 

* I spent time with my favorite girls, even with a pointless meeting thrown in the day.

* Maddie, Avery and I got colored hair today. Pink AND Purple. We had to get blonde hair 1st.

*I am abundantly blessed with a loving, hard working husband. 

* I finished off the day with my new favorite drink: Cranberry Pomegranate. YUM. 

* Tomorrow I have the day off. I have the next day off, too. And the next 5 weeks, as well. 

"I thank God for my handicaps, because through them I have found myself, my work, and my God." ~ Helen Keller

The Climb

Every time I turn on the radio, it seems that Miley Cyrus is in my head.......

Her stardom reminds me so much of my own childhood with New Kids on the Block, Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, etc. . 

The girls love her and The Jonas Brothers. I should probably think about getting tickets for them. Wouldn't I be the cool mom for the year? (like that's my main goal in life. HA!)

So, I bought The Climb from iTunes and added it to the iPod for the girls to listen to in the car.

 

On my runs lately it seems that it continuously comes on and I can't help but listen. . . . 

I can almost see it

That dream I'm dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

_________________________

Wow. This reminds me of the past year and a half. 

My faith was shaking. 

Never really thought I could reach any goal during such a difficult time. But I knew for the girls sake I couldn't give up. 

I had to keep going. 

Moving. 

_________________________

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Aint' about what's waitin on the other side

It's the climb

____________________

No matter what is going on in life, there will ALWAYS be another obstacle. Another goal.

No matter when we get to the "other side" there will always be another steep hill to climb. 

I will always want to move mountains. 

As much as I like to succeed at ALL things in my life, I have to accept that I will not ALWAYS win. 

___________________

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that 

I'm gonna remember most

Just gotta keep going

______________________

Things might push me down to the ground, but I will always land on my hands and knees and stand up strong again. 

The difficult times, the struggles, the joys behind those and because of those struggles ARE the things I will remember most. 

This is what life is about, really, isn't it? 

The climb. 

Marital Bliss

As I sit down after a long run, sipping a protein shake, giving myself a facial and beginning to watch He's Just Not That Into You, I continue to think of something my friend, T, said in a twitter message: "marital bliss" 

Ironic that this is the name of my post and I'm watching this movie? Life cracks me up sometimes. :) 

So, as you know Jason and I have been married a little less than a month. I'm not sure that I ever truly experienced bliss with anyone before him. Sure, I thought I did with a, b, c, and d, but truthfully, what Jason and I share is really unexplainable. 

- No, boys don't say mean things to us if they like/love us

- No, boys don't avoid us because we're "more successful" than they are

-No, he doesn't like us so much that he's waiting 4 days to call

-No, it's not because he's never had a serious relationship or b/c he's just getting over one

Why do we lie to each other? Obviously, if we're telling someone that, we are trying to comfort them and not make the truth so hard to take. Wow. It is what it is, ladies. 

We need to be looking for those men that are into us as much as we are into them. 

I'm definitely going to sit Madison and Avery down and add this to the list of things they must know as women. 

-------------------------------------------

So, marital bliss. 

Yeah, it really is. Though, it doesn't feel any different than before. And there are times when I find myself hesitating to tell anyone about it because I don't want to make them gag. My friend (I'll call her "Goose") explained it this way: 

"Really going to miss my Joe next week. I know people say it's not healthy to be this attached, but I think those people are just miserable in their marriages. LOL!"

Goose and Joe have been married 4 years and are one of my favorite couples on earth. It's easy to see and feel the love they share. It is heart-warming to be that close to love.

Goose and Joe share something that Jason and I know all about. 

I have never had so much fun with a person in my life. Jason makes me laugh all the time. And most of the stuff that makes us laugh, no one else would find worthy of even a smirk. 

It is hard being away from him for even hours. It feels strange to not be close to him. For months were hours away from each other. We spent so much time talking on the phone at first, that you would faint. Although, this was really a great thing, because we were able to cut out the BS and really get to know each other. Of course we do spend time apart, but it doesn't mean that we both wish we could be doing everything together. 

I feel more safe with him than anyone. Growing up, I sort of just began leaning on myself and not really relying on others. I didn't trust them. I knew I could trust me. With Jason, though I know that I'm safe. No matter what. Not just physically, emotionally, etc. I'm safe to not be perfect. I'm safe to be silly. I'm safe to be risky. Safe to say things I've never said to anyone else. I'm safe to learn new things. I'm safe to continue exploring who I am. I'm safe to not have all the answers. I'm safe to recognize my faults and fix them. I can be freaking out and take one look into his eyes and be as calm as ever. 

No expectations. For the first time in my life, I decided from the start that I would NOT place any unreasonable expectations on our relationship. I don't mean the basic expectations of a relationship, but I'm talking about the ludicrous, absurd expectations that many of us put on another person. The weird thing is that not placing those unreasonable expectations on our relationship actually made us stronger. Who knew?

Like Me. I often say that Jason is the guy version of me. He loads his burgers with ketchup and mustard and dips his fries in the mustard. He likes driving around. He loves going out for coffee. He only likes going to movies that he knows he will like. He is a mult-tasker. He enjoys almost every music genre and knows the exact same songs I use to listen to while growing up. He references items in the same wording that I did when I was little. He's not afraid to take risks. He doesn't allow what people think to run his life. He's so much like me, that it floors me sometimes. 

I often wondered if a guy like Jason existed. As a girl, I had this vision of the relationship I wanted. I wanted the puppy dog, first love, best friend, passionate kind of love all wrapped up in one. Don't we all? 

But as time went by, that vision was restructured by every relationship I ever had. And somewhere along the way I lost the initial vision. 

It took 32 years, but I've never been more sure of anything in my life. 

He's definitely as into me as I am into him. ♥

You Deserve It

Here's what I love about the universe - you always get what you need when you need it. Usually we attract what is given to us, what we see, or what we hear. 

Don't believe me? Try being conscious for the next week. If I'm wrong, tell me. However, I'm confident that you'll hear something briefly on TV or the radio, someone will say or do something at just the right time; at the exact time that you need to hear it or receive it. 

I've talked before about one of my favorite authors, SQuire Rushnell. He has written a series of books called "When God Winks." His thought is that God "winks" at you through your everyday life if you'll just be aware enough to notice. 

This morning I woke up early and turned on the TV. It was on PBS. I never watch PBS unless Calliou is on and I'm with the girls. 

I gave it 5 seconds and was drawn in by this guy: http://www.drwaynedyer.com/

He wrote a book called "Excuses BeGone" and was inspired by books: 1. "Virus of the Mind" 2. "Biology of Belief"

He began talking about excuses that we all have for things that we want to happen: changing habits, starting a new career, moving, following a dream. . . .

Although, I'm not buying any of his products (products and ideas can mostly be found online),  I found myself not able to change the channel. Here is one of the thoughts that he shared that really made me stop and think:

I Don't Deserve It.

Happiness

Love

Acceptance

Success

Friendship

I actually just said this to myself yesterday: "What did I do to deserve to be so happy?"

Jason said to me, "Don't question God." 

I pondered on that thought all night and probably through my dreams. Then this morning here's this guy talking about the same thing. And he says "We are all from God. Why would God make such great creatures who are NOT deserving of all the above?" 

Ok, God. Point taken. 

The best things I ever did......

I'm back blogging. Again. 

It's been almost an unbelievable month since I've blogged. Like the past few years of my life, this past month was a bit stressful. I really cannot pinpoint why, but it definitely affected my health. I've never been so sick as I was this past month. I *do* believe: stress kills. It caught up with me and wouldn't let go. I'm so glad to be blogging again, though. It's a sign I'm gaining against the stress. Writing is as good for my soul as chocolate.

Not talking.

I think one of the best things I ever did was NOT talk about what was going on in my life while it was going on. It was already too much to deal with for me and my circle of trust but there was no way I could've repeated all that was happening to everyone who was just curious. I would pass on this advice to anyone I know going through a struggle and ironically, I have passed it on to two different friends in the past month. It's funny how everyone thinks they know what's going on in your life based on a facebook status or by what they hear from others. It's even funnier that people actually were offended that I didn't take the time to tell them everything. Truthfully, though, we all struggle with something on a daily basis. It doesn't mean we always have to talk about it, right? Hence, the reason I haven't really been blogging. 

Getting married.

This sort of goes along with "not talking." I stopped living my life for everyone else. After all, they only knew pieces of my life. I stopped thinking of what others thought. I decided that not talking really helped give me permission to feel what I felt and begin living my life. It allowed me time to grieve, time to love my girls, time to find a "new normal." I'm running my race. It will never be like anyone else's. It will require things that aren't required of others. So, when Jason came into my life I had pretty much thought that I would go the rest of the race alone. I was ok with that, too. But then, he became "the list." The list I should've made at 17. The list I tell my girls about now. The list empowers you and allows you to really know yourself. Besides the list, I let the girls lead. I made no decision without knowing how they felt about it first. I didn't go forward with anything unless I knew that they were safe, secure, and solid in the next steps. So, just as everyone was really finding out about the divorce, we were already past that stage and feeling out just how Jason would fit into our family. Now, here we are. And it cracks me up when people are so surprised. For us, we are settled and ready to see what the future holds! In a small town, many of you know what a feat that is - going a whole year w/out anyone really knowing or being able to give their opinions. It just kills some people. ;) 

Reading.

Since Friday I have finished the third of the Twilight series, Fireproof, and am now 1/2 way done with Breaking Dawn. One of my other favorite reads is a blog written by my friend, T. I love her blogs b/c they are real, raw, and truthful. They aren't always happy face blogs, but she always inspires me. They ALWAYS trigger strong emotion after I finish them. She, like all of us, is on a quest to better know her life, her relationships, and herself. I don't get to comment every time, but tonight I want to tribute her and her writing. She's not afraid to say what she thinks or feels. Check her out! 

Vacating.

No kidding. The minute I left town and went into the cool mountains of NM, my stomach pain stopped. I slept more than I have in a year. I laughed and loved and listened. The silence. Being on top of a mountain and stopping in your tracks is fabulous. You are there. God is there. I know he speaks in the silence. If only we could find more time to find the silence. I know we would all be much wiser and calmer. So, I'm back home and ready for relaxation, no sense of time and for the silence to envelope around me. 

Girls. 

They've always been the best things I've ever done. They are my breath, my life, and my sunshine. I learn more about myself just by watching and listening to them. Maddie is 1/2 of me and Avery the other 1/2. I see my flaws in them, my talents, and more than anything God's grace in each of them. I'm so blessed to be their mama! 

So, this summer we all will be doing something that we love. 

Maddie will be taking art camp. Art heals her and allows her to speak through drawing. I love that she's tuned into this at such a young age. 

Avery will start ballet. If you only knew how often she spins around to music......She thrilled about doing something that is all her own. 

And I'm tossing around an idea of my own. I've never taken any kind of dance class, but I'm seriously thinking of signing up for one. 

Life is too short to have regrets. 

Life is too short to wonder what if. 

Life is too short to not try the things you've always wanted to do. 

Go. Do them. I'm giving you permission. It will be the best thing you ever did....

A Mother's Legacy

I could sit with you over coffee and tell you in detail what it was like to have both girls close to me before they were born. I remember both exact moments that I knew I was pregnant. The pregnancies were as different as the girls personalities are today. 

Funny that I got a piece of great advice from a dad, right? Not so much. He understood the weight of leaving a great legacy to your children. He told me while I was pregnant with Maddie how he wrote letters to each of his children on everyone of their birthdays. His plan was to give them all the letters on their 18th or 21st birthday. What a great idea! 

I set out to write them through pregnancy AND through their birthday's, as well. I tucked each letter with care into their baby books. As the years pass, I know I've missed writing those letters on their exact birthday's but I have written them letters each year entailing the various stages of their lives, their friends, their funniest moments or sayings, their likes and dislikes, and some sort of advice from the vantage point of wherever I am in my own life. 

This was something I missed as a child and young adult. I never have any reference to go to about what I was like as a child, at least not anything documented besides my baby book. Being adopted, I have TWO moms to thank. I'm sure I wrote about it before even though today I cannot find it. I had a student once ask if I was mad at my birth mother. No one had EVER asked me that question in all the years I've been inquired. I honestly can tell you, as a mom now, that I admire her more than ever. To give up something so precious in order to make their life better whatever her circumstances, wow, that's true love. I'm almost sure I couldn't do it. That alone is an example of one legacy. 

So today I wanted to offer you the idea of leaving your kids a token of a mother's love. Write them a letter. Why? 

1. Leave your Legacy: leave your beliefs and values, let them get to know who you are down to the core, they will find a sense of self by knowing who you are.

2. Give your kids a voice, especially your daughters. Empower them by letting them know they count. 

3. Strengthen bonds: Just by writing to your children now you are strengthening your bond.

4. Family Essence: to keep a family strong. In church yesterday, they gave many examples of great people (presidents) who only had strong women in their lives. Even if it's just you as a mom without a father role in your household, it's absolutely possible to keep your family strong. This is one example. 

5. Give thanks. One thing I often tell the girls is that I'm so glad God chose me to be their mom. I am so thankful for each of the girls in my life and tell them often things that I learn from them. This can be a life altering thing for a young child, to know they make a difference no matter where they are in their life or age.

6. Make amends. As moms, we know we are not perfect. We know we make mistakes. We do our very best and do better when we know better. This is the perfect opportunity to show our vulnerability to our kids and let them know we still love them even if we don't have all the answers to life. 

7. Keep connected. As your kids read your letters, they will always get to see a glimpse of your personality. It will bring them an everlasting connection to your heart. 

8. Words for Growth. Words have the power to heal, allow growth, create a better understanding, to bring closure and to allow or open the door for communication. As a women, I know how important this for my girls. 

9.  Peace of mind. I know from experience, after writing any letter to the girls, I have a great sense of relief. To give them a tiny glimpse into life at that very moment. It's something that I may never be able to do fifteen years down the road. 

10. The perfect gift. Much of the reason that I blog is for the girls. The main reason for writing my book is for the girls. I could care less if I sell one single copy or make any money. I want to leave them my experiences, my lessons, my loves, my disappointments, my hopes, my beliefs and my words. It is a gift that I am certain will make a difference in their lives. 

For all of you moms, for all your journeys, heartaches, dreams, struggles and triumphs.....

Happy Mother's Day! 

Life is a Theatre - Invite Your Audience Carefully...

Today I found this by accident. Or was it?

Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough to have a front row seat in our lives.  There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships, fellowships.

Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention to: Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?

When you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

You cannot change the people around you but you can change the people you are around.

Ask God for godly wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.

- Author Unknown