I Know I Can

*waving* Hello, blog readers! Here I am again. Things have been busy. *cough* cough* That's an understatement.

Work has been busy, but life has been busier. All those power struggles I thought I would have were shadowed by life.

We've all heard the saying "Life gets in the way of other plans." Well, it seems that my life continues to teach me this no matter how many times I think I've learned it.

After training 9 days in a row, my mind is exhausted. Even so, I can still look you in the eye and tell you how much I love my job; how much joy it gives me to help others; how much I love working with people and learning what it takes to get them to reach new levels. I can tell you how much I love using a microphone. Wow. I was able to use microphone all morning and didn't want to stop talking. Once I spoke, all eyes were attentive listening to what I had to say. Ha! Not like it was that important, but still. I realized I could probably do that weekly and be relaxed doing it. Who would've thought - as a child I was soooo shy and never wanted eyes on me. Weird that I'd rather speak to large audiences through a mic, but tell me you have thrown me a party with 50 of my friends, and I would freak. So, exhausted or not - I am thankful for a job I enjoy.

For the past two weeks, while training, I've also been going to multiple dr visits. Maddie has been sick. Symptoms are crazy and don't seem to go together. My mind has been worried, my heart achy from watching her grimace in pain and tell me it hurts. We have tried everything and taken tons of tests (all which have come back normal so far).

When she first complained, I thought 'Well, it will be something easy, fixable.' My mind never once allowed the thought that she might not be well enough for school. Until this week.

After Friday's visit, I walked out pretty sure even the one dr I had the most faith in didn't know what was wrong. Worry set in. It didn't help that almost everyone around me was saying it was "just stress." Hmmm. Maybe, but I live with her day in and day out. I watch her. I talk with her. I know she's not "faking" her symptoms just for attention. I know she wishes more than anything she wasn't sick and could be with her friends.

I'd planned to rest over the weekend. Saturday I thought we would all make a park visit and get some fresh air, but later that morning Jason called and said he was in ER. Accident at work. Nothing major. Minor and hurting, but he's ok. That put me in a completely different mood. What was the deal? Little did I know, him being home this week would be a HUGE blessing and couldn't come at a more right time.

So after 4 dr visits in a week and hearing the news that she will have to miss the very first day of school, I can only find myself finding comfort and strength in the one thing that has always gotten me through.

God gives to His servants this promise:
You’ll not have to face life alone;
And when you grow weak in your struggle,
His strength will prevail—not your own.

I absolutely DO NOT believe in coincidences. So, when I walked into convocation on Tuesday and sat in the back of our new auditorium with all of those educators, I knew I'd hear something inspiring. I wished and hoped I would. Then, this from photojournalist Dewitt Jones:

"Change is our ally. Times of the most change, offer the most possibility. Live in uncertainty and act in confidence. When we believe it we will see it. It wasn't how you planned it, but what is right with the situation?"

This youtube clip doesn't do the entire video justice.(If you would like a longer clip - email me) It brought me back to the core of what I believe. And I needed it because I was in doubt.

I had forgotten that when at the edge of a cliff, the winds can take us higher than we imagine.

Power Struggles

2 girls

1 mom

45 days (note - should be more, but who's counting?)

One of the perks of being a teacher or in the education profession is that I get the same days and holidays off as the girls.

When I first decided to become a teacher I was more focused on changing the world, paying forward what some great teachers did for me, and pursuing a never-ending learning environment. As the first year turned into seven, I decided I wanted to step out of teaching in a typical classroom and do something different.

Now that I have been in my particular job for a year, I begin appreciating different aspects of teachers, students, and education. One of those things is how much I love that I'm usually able to leave work at work. This was not something I did while teaching 150 students each day. I don't bring home people's technology problems with me. Some think I should - but, um, no.

This last year my schedule was flexible enough to be with Maddie on important days at her school. I was able to watch the music program that typical parents weren't allowed into; I was able to see her answer math questions and take spelling tests. She was also able to see me in my work environment, being all professional. I was able to take Avery to preschool and pick her up. I was there for her first day and was able to be there within minutes if she was sick. She definitely needed that little bit of extra time with me each week. I've been so thankful to get to spend these special moments with the girls. It was definitely a God-send job. His timing was perfect.

Then school was out.

YYYYYYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEE!

We ALL needed the break. My 2 1/2 months of summer vacation is one of my favorite things about teaching. Let me break it to you non-educators, though, that find yourselves saying "must be nice to be off that long" - WE AREN'T. This is a little known secret of teachers. Nevertheless, we all do our best to take time off and enjoy the time we get to ourselves to just be us - not Mrs. So-and-So.

The girls and I slept late most days, workout some days, cooked lots of days and enjoyed each other's company ALL days.

We all needed the bonding time and benefited so much from the time to just be and be together.

Then, we turn on the TV or see the newspaper ad: BACK TO SCHOOL

Ugh. Why?! No!

Nevertheless, it's the end of July and I've already been back to work part time 10 business days. Not to mention all the random meetings I had to throw in there before.

The Power Struggle?

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that we all wish for something to happen in the future:

I can't wait til my kids go to bed w/out getting up a zillion times

I can't wait til my kids are able to cook for themselves

I can't wait til my kids do _____, ______ or ______

A quote that my friend, Andrea, posted on twitter recently has been imprinted on my mind for the past few weeks:

"Sometimes we wait and wait for God to move.

Then when He does, we protest that He's moving too fast." -Beth Moore

I have to stop myself and remember that things WILL move too fast. Life is short. I need to be living in the present and be happy with where we are when we're there.

Even if "there" is our small period of separation anxiety. We all get it. We miss each other like crazy when I have to be gone. They cling a little longer, kiss a little more, and are content just sitting next to me when I get home.

They never see me cry over this. But even as Maddie goes into 3rd grade, I cry. I miss them as much or more than they even know. I rethink this whole "work" thing and always try to come up with that million dollar idea that will land me time at home or the ability to travel with them. As you see, I'm still working on that.

So, for the next few weeks I will struggle with getting up, going to work, leaving the girls, and learning my own lessons. They will struggle to let go a little and learn to fly a little more.

The Power of Childhood

What you do now most likely has something to do with your childhood.

I could go deep and talk about how your childhood scars affect your decisions today. How your relationships are like mirrors into your soul or psyche, but tonight I want to keep things on the lighter side. 

Once again on Friday I will find myself enjoying my third and probably the last New Kids on the Block concert. I usually take a lot of *crap* from people that I work with because being older than me, they never were into NKOTB. They think I'm crazy for spending money on the concerts or wasting my time going. 

Nevertheless, I enjoy going. Why? Probably for the same reason that all of these girls are screaming....

You've probably found that within recent years many of your childhood favorites have made it back into the stores or movies: 

1. Transformers

2. GI Joe

3. Smurfs

4. Nancy Drew

5. Strawberry Shortcake

When MJ died, everyone I knew reminisced about their childhood memories of him or his music - at the skating rink, how they would watch him dance with a parent, how his songs affected their own dreams/goals. 

Why? 

Because we all love to go back to our childhood somehow and relive the good times.

Yes, we have entered that era in our lives. We might not feel like we've covered that much ground, but we have. I congratulate those of you that just realized it. :) 

So, marketers are getting to us through our memories and our kids. And we buy into it because it makes us feel happy. 

No one in their right mind could understand why 100's of women in their 30's are found at Denny's or Waffle House at midnight on any given night. 

Only the women who as girls had the same dream - being in the same room as any of the New Kids on the Block - can relate to doing something that extreme. Only these same women would purchase ONE ticket for $500 to meet and take a picture with these guys. Only these women would find themselves searching the shelves of a mini mall for the last NKOTB doll from the 90's. http://www.twitpic.com/aaqhx 

Who are we to judge? Really. I'm betting that all of us have done something to relive that same feeling or to share that  feeling with our kids.

So, I ask you - what childhood memory have you bought into lately? Which ones do you  crave to share with your own children or nieces or nephews?

Roadblocks - Detours - No Outlet

                      

                      

Ok. Seriously, how many of you have felt like you've found these signs somewhere throughout your life. Maybe on a daily basis? Maybe on Tuesdays only? 

Like many, I've had my fair share of roadblocks. There have been times I need to step it up and get over that big boulder. Or times that I've had to turn around and start over from scratch. Yet other times life's detours seem to have me running into myself. Or my all time favorite:  I'm stuck in the "no outlet" situation. That's like having a cookie minus the chocolate for me. 

I, honestly, have no idea how many people are actually reading this blog. At times I care, other times I could care less. But I know in our roadblocks even though we feel alone, we are not. There are always people who have already been where we are in the present moment. It's new to us but not new to the world.

So, the reason I keep asking for positive vibes from my peeps or my tweeps, the reason for all the positive thinking  quotes and thoughts is because I'm really rooting for something to happen for someone I love. I almost want this for them more than they want it themselves. 

They cannot see what a potential they have. They do not know how proud everyone around them would be. They would be so great at this "thing" that once they find their niche, watch out!

I've watched them research, talk to people, set up interviews or appointments, come up with plan after plan only to see the doors close on them every time. A different reason every time.

It's frustrating. I'm sure more so for them. Definitely. 

Again today, it seemed that things were up, things were moving right along and then BAM! Shut down again. 

"Oh, yeah. There was this one teensy little stipulation we didn't mention before." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! 

I'm doing my best to help out. Stay positive. Give advice or guidance. But at some point even I want to say "God, how many times will the doors close before they are open?" 

Nix that. Never ask how many times. It will only continue and continue and continue. 

Instead I try to coach and say "There is a plan. A much bigger plan. A better fit. A better cheese for your macaroni." 

So, what do YOU tell yourself when you find that doors are closing or boulders are blocking?

Easier

On any given summer morning you can find me relaxing after a good workout with my computer. I love reading. Anything. Still working on that last Twilight series. Yes, still. 

The past few years I usually read most everything on the Internet. Blogs included. There's something about reading what other people are going through. Learning that I'm not alone in whatever struggle has tackled me at that moment. Reading words of inspiration and different perspectives in order to open my mind just a bit more. 

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The past week or so as I read, I realize a very common thing in most of the blogs: fear. Whether it be the anxiety of the unknown future, the "skeered" feeling you get right down in your stomach when taking a risk of any kind, fear of putting themselves out there in relationships, or just the basic  insecurities of find that one person in the world that makes life easier. 

Fear is such strong emotion. It causes anger, bitterness, detachment, conflict, strain . . . I could go on and on and on. I won't. That's a whole different blog that I will touch on later. 

Why do we fear the thing we want the most? 

- a new job

- losing weight

- a better relationship

- taking a risk

- accepting love/friendship

Here's what I think: 

 

We fear what will happen once we have what we want. It's not the actual "thing" we want that we fear as much as it is the AFTER. 

I've always said to my students "Feel the fear and do it anyway." 

Fear can control your entire life unless you allow yourself to feel it and keep going. This is what makes your life a lived life. 

---------------------------------

No matter what we want, what we fear, or where we are in life we all want that person next to us to make life easier. 

"And I'm not afraid

Nothing you can say that's gonna make me walk
away
No matter what you do I
promise you I'm gonna stay
You need someone like me to make it easier"

I'm sitting here writing and living the life I've always asked and prayed for - for once, I've weeded out all the dramatic people in my life who suck the energy right out of me. I have a job a truly enjoy that allows me time to spend with the girls more often than not. I have two great children who fill my heart with laughter and joy every day of the week. I have the friends I've always knew existed. I have found the man that is every "check" on my "list." 

Is that scary? I'd be lying if I told you "no." It IS scary to have everything you've ever asked for, dreamed of, and prayed about. It is scary to know that having what we want in life is up to us. It's scary knowing that in order to keep all of it we have to work through our own fears so that all will blossom into much more than we could every imagine. It's scary to know that life is 10% what happens to us and 90%  who we become because of it. 

It's up to us to feel the fears and push through them. It's up to us to not allow them to run out lives. 

Having someone there to make it easier is a true blessing, but even so, we alone have to push ourselves higher - elevate - and "do it anyway" in order to be who we really are meant to be. 

Own It

Once again, my friend, T, has started my wheels turning. 

She posted about a good blog and I went there to read after a long day of waiting in line at various places. I didn't expect to be enlightened. I didn't expect that the subject matter would coincidentally run right along with what I've been experiencing. 

Something that I've learned after 2 marriages, lots of relationships, and looking myself in the mirror often is that I have issues. He has issues. They have issues. We all have issues. 

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times, a little hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -- Marilyn Monroe.

I feel like I'm in a constant quest to find these issues, look them straight in the face, and stomp them out of existence. 

These issues randomly show their ugly face  and force me to deal with them. When I'm living consciously it's easy to pin point the issue, deal with it and move on. 

When I'm not conscious the issue has the ability to last a lot longer than I'd like. 

The thing about Jason and I is that the minute we met, we began discussing our issues and recognizing what we needed to work on individually. This is probably one big reason that out of everyone in the world, I feel the most comfortable with him; I feel safe to be me, feel what I feel, and ask for what I need. 

Together we recognize our "triggers" and talk them out. 

Last night was a perfect example. Something set me off. A work thing. Had absolutely nothing to do with anyone I love. I was furious. So mad that I yelled and then entered the "I can't speak" mode. Jason has never seen me this mad. Heck, it has been a long time since I've felt that mad. 

He wasn't sure how to react. I wasn't sure how to vent. So, I left and went for a long run. I didn't know leaving would trigger an issue with him. I didn't realize right then that my leaving wasn't really necessary when he was right there ready to walk me through the vent. 

It wasn't my intention to push him away or to trigger an issue. 

The biggest blessing about our relationship is that we communicate. It's hard. I won't lie. It takes COMPLETE presence. If I need something, I say it. If he has an issue, he brings it up. Our respect for the other is so much so that we've never truly had a "fight."  Between the two of us, we've had our fair share of  "sure-fail" relationships. It was through those encounters, though, that we both learned what's most important. Together we are much different people than we were with those past men or women. With age and experience, we got to this point. 

He explained that my anger and leaving set something off in him. I explained that I am *still* getting use to having him as a safeguard during every emotion. I've never had that. I have to remind myself *still* that my issues are not our issues. 

My issues are my issues. His issues are his issues and... in order to push through those fears, insecurities, and anxieties.........

We must own them. 

Blech

Blech. 

Blech. 

Blech. 

I haven't blogged lately because this is how I feel. I'll say it again. Blech.

Today was blech. I feel down. Not really depressed but emotional. Sad. Angry. Annoyed. I can't say why, but it wasn't the best day in history, right? 

I wasn't a HUGE fan of Farrah or Michael. And Ed never showed up at my door knocking with a million dollar prize. But just as I am human, anytime a human life is mourned I get sad along with everyone else. 

All of a sudden I want to sit and listen to Michael Jackson songs. It would be a first. I don't think I even own one song. 

The one thing that has really been bothering me lately is the fact that I'm sick. Not like the flu or a cold. Honestly, I don't really know what I have, which is part of the frustrating part. If you don't know what it is, you don't really know how to help the problem. I do my best to exercise and eat whole organic foods, but I really have no idea if it's helping at all. 

Many people, especially those I grew up with probably had no idea, but at age 11 I was diagnosed with something called Crohn's disease. After reseach, drs don't know what causes it and only know how to control it. It will never just go away. Severe cases required medication. I never really had difficulty with it and other than a few "episodes" during stressful times in my teen years, no one would've known I had it. My right side usually hurts much like apendicitis, but it's not. The pain is usually so bad that I cannot walk. But it usually doesn't last more than a few hours and I've never had to take regular medication for the symptoms. 

I do have to stay away from the following: broccoli, roughage (lettuce), fried foods, caffeine, refined sugars, cheese, milk.............

See? even some of the good stuff isn't good for me. BLECH. 

It obviously had no effect on having kids. I went through 2 pregnancies and had no flare ups. I've had to go through the tests though. Twice so far. Usually once every 10 years. You know, the test where you have to drink that chalky drink? BLECH. They never really found any sign of distress during those tests. 

However, in the past 6 weeks I've had 2 of the most difficult flare ups that I've ever experienced in my life. What concerns me the most is: 1. No one really knows what is causing it. 2. The pain is much different and  much worse  than ever before. 

So. Monday I will call my new best friend, Dr. Eidem and schedule another round of tests. I'm less than thrilled to say the least, but for peace of mind I must know if the Chron's is getting worse, if it might not be the Crohn's, or if I just have too many stressful people in my life. 

There were some perks to the day, though, and as I always say an attitude of gratitude is the only way to live: 

* I spent time with my favorite girls, even with a pointless meeting thrown in the day.

* Maddie, Avery and I got colored hair today. Pink AND Purple. We had to get blonde hair 1st.

*I am abundantly blessed with a loving, hard working husband. 

* I finished off the day with my new favorite drink: Cranberry Pomegranate. YUM. 

* Tomorrow I have the day off. I have the next day off, too. And the next 5 weeks, as well. 

"I thank God for my handicaps, because through them I have found myself, my work, and my God." ~ Helen Keller