An Open Letter To YOU

I never really thought about blogging an "open letter" but after reading my friend, T's blog for several years I decided I really liked the concept. She's written several "open letters" here.


Her advice before I started was simple - "Be honest. Take responsibility to what you're contributing to the "relationship" and just write because it, simply, cures all."


So, before I begin I want to say that there is nothing that I've written here that has not been said in person at least once before to this particular person. 


Dear You (you know who you are), 


I've struggled for a very long time with our relationship. There seems to be a misrepresentation between your words and your actions and I've been aware of that for much longer than you know. 


When I think of you the following words come to mind: angry, bitter, hurting, judgmental, cold, controlling and facade. 


Those are definitely not the words I'd like to come to mind, though. They are quite the opposite. I wish a different group of words would flow, but they don't. Long ago I accepted this fact.  


I gave up the grandiose idea and expectation of what I thought we were or should be. I began to realize that I was just an easy target. Could it possibly be because I was one of the few to stand up to you? Was it because I wasn't one that could be controlled and manipulated with the passive-agressive behavior? Could it have been that you knew I could see right through you to the true form and not continue to believe the facade you "put on" for everyone else? 


For so long you actually had me believing that it was me who wasn't thinking or acting rational. I would wrestle with believing that I  had the problem, as you so often told me and that I was really instigating all of the conflict. And more often than not, I actually believed your apology just thinking that you weren't aware of your actions. 


You seem to have such a different perception of my reality. My reality of our time together is dark, ugly, and sad. To deny that would be to deny me. My process is not your process. 


So how have I contributed to this relationship? Well, after many years of reflection, soul searching, and accepting the past I acknowledge that for a certain time I, too, was angry, bitter, hurting, judgmental and cold. For two people to possess those qualities at the same time was a  pool of disaster on a daily basis. 


Night after night for so long, I would lie in bed and cry out and wonder what I could do to change it all. I searched and prayed for the answers. I looked to you for answers only to be thrown blame in my face. I looked to you  for some sort of guidance or map so I could navigate to a better part of our relationship but only ran into judgement and disapproval. Time and time again, I only came up empty. 


As the distance between us grew, I began to see that I could be a completely different person when you weren't around. I could be happy, grateful, hopeful, loving, and unselfish. I learned something that many already knew - "You become what you are surrounded by." I realized that many of my best relationships of the past were ruined by MY SELFISHNESS, MY ANGER, and MY HURT. Everyday I live with remorse and regret to certain people from my past and hope they know that today, I'm a better version of myself. 


I saw myself learn, grow, accept, mature, love, and see outside of myself for the very first time in my life. It was the most exhilarating experience. I couldn't get enough and slowly the tiny dreamer from long ago became the big dreamer of today. I learned one of the keys to happiness - things are not all about you. 


I've replayed moments spent together over and over in my mind and wondered how I could win your true, loving approval. But as I sit here today reflecting over our last interaction, I realize it's not me you're unhappy with, it's you. You cannot be happy with anyone unless you're first happy with yourself. 


I can say that without a doubt I know that I've at least tried daily for many years to change myself for the better in hopes of making all relationships in my life better, including ours.  Despite anything we ever went through, despite the hurts, despite the conflicts, there IS a way to leave behind the bitterness and anger. You have to choose to do that every second at first, and then every minute and then every hour, and then every day. It doesn't come easy - nothing worth having IS. But it's a choice nonetheless.


Next week I turn 35 and I can finally say with confidence that I forgive you and accept that we are what we are together or apart. Honestly, the best thing is love from a far. 


I still hope that one day if only just for one day you can experience true happiness with yourself. That's a gift that no one can give you, but YOU. 




Always grateful,