Slow Transformation

Well, now that I have your attention, I thought I'd better take advantage of it. :) 


Right now I'm in the middle of reading Queen Bees & Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman. This book was the basis of the movie Mean Girls. If you are the parent of a daughter, these both are musts. It will take you inside the world of girls, pre-teens, teens, and make you check your own personal baggage. 


I have so enjoyed the use of the Internet in my life. It has helped me connect and reconnect with so many women from my past and new women I've recently met and love. I've found in my correspondence with many, that we all have some of the same issues we had as girls and pre-teens. 


One friend that I go way back with actually caught me on FB the other day and IM'd me. "Thank you for being nice to me when everyone else made fun of me and said hurtful words. It took me a long time to get over those words, but once I did, it only made me stronger." 


I hope she doesn't mind that I'm sharing that, but I think she speaks for the majority of us. 


Many of my mommy friends express frustration with their bodies. I think as girls/women we struggle with trying to be what society and the media tells us and shows us to be. 


There is a chapter in Wiseman's book called The Beauty Pageant. It describes in length the game of the beauty pageant. She states "Adolescence is a beauty pageant." Would you agree? 


Isabel, 17, says "It is impossible to win the contest. . .but I think a lot of girls perceive others to be the winner, but in actuality those girls are just as competitive and unsure of themselves as everyone else."


As women, we go through many transformations. Some are easy and we hardly notice. Others are difficult and we work and work and try and try and still don't see results. 


Tonight I'm writing to you from the latter. 


So many of you know that for the past 20 weeks, and especially the last 10-12 I've been very conscience of my food choices, calorie intake and commit to working out 5 days a week or more. Part of my journey was traveled with a group of ladies during a weight loss challenge. 


Guess who didn't lose hardly any weight? 
Guess who consistently weighed in every week? 
Guess who documented her food intake and exercise with myfitnesspal.com? 
Guess who worked out 30 minutes or more each time? 
Guess who didn't see any results back from the scale? 


Me, me and me. 


I got so tired of it. I admit that I would rarely go out b/c I felt so gross and felt so self-conscious about how I looked. Everyone would say "Cut yourself a break. You just had a baby." "It's just muscle." "It must be b/c your breast feeding."  No offense, but that didn't help. It didn't make my jeans fit and it sure didn't make my thighs seem lesser. And like every other time I've had a baby, my self esteem was shot. 


Nevertheless, here I am 20 weeks after having a baby. I'm only 10 lbs shy of when I delivered him. Even if Jillian Michaels herself walked into my house, I would NOT be embarrassed by my progress, food choices and water intake.Even though I'm doing everything right, here I sit still trying to make it to my weight goal. 
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Butterflies are near and dear to my heart. So it is only fitting that I use their life cycle as my metaphor. 


"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."


I love the TV shows Losing It or The Biggest Loser mainly because I love the reveals. In the beginning, you can just tell the people weren't taking care of themselves. You can tell things are weighing heavy on their minds (no pun intended.) But at the reveal you can also tell that they went through a transformation. They look healthier, happier and stronger. Something about their hard works shows through their eyes and their smile. 


I'm going to share with you my own slow transformation. 


Pic 1 - April 2009, months before getting pregnant
Pic 2 - November 2009, 5 months pregnant 
Pic 3 - March 22, 2010, delivery day
Pic 4 - March 23, going home! 
Pic 5, May 2010, 2 months after baby
Pic 6, July, 4 months after baby


Though I have not lost the weight yet, I think you'll be able to see that I have lost something, most probably have come through some emotional hurdles as well, and I hope that you can see in my last picture that all those hours of eating healthy and working out did transform me in some way. I know this because the minute I posted the last picture in this series, people started commenting on it with positive feedback. I feel healthier, lighter, and happier. 

You may not see the results you want immediately, but I guarantee others will notice you changing. So keep going with me. Don't give up. 

You can never fail if you never stop trying.

He Knows

I'm going to write from a very honest, heartfelt place tonight. I've decided not to hold back and for any of my readers that are offended, I'm not going to apologize. 
First, if you read my last blog, my last twitter updates, or my last FB status', you might be able to tell that I'm at a place of struggle. You know that I'm working through it so that instead of being a victim, I am a victor. You can never MOVE unless you work through something. I do not want to stay in that state, so I'm seeking everything I can to MOVE - Counsel, music, prayer, and open heart. 

Second, read these words: 
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
(Tenth Avenue North)

This should be my life anthem. Only He knows why. He knew the minute I needed to hear this song and really have those words seep into my heart and mind. 

He knows. He always knows. He knows your pain. He knows your heart breaks. He knows your sin. He knows you inside and out. At this point, I don't care if you believe or agree with everything I say. I know that God is in everything. I know that deep inside of my being and have seen it in action. 

Right now, He knows that I don't need sympathy. He knows I don't need that "atta girl" cheer to lead me on. He knows I don't need to find the humor in it. He knows I don't need to be questioned. He knows that I'm at a place of deep struggle. Those of you questioning "why? what's going on? what is so wrong?" should maybe just step back, check yourself at the door, and instead of wondering where I am, think of a struggle you're having. What's been holding you back lately?  Who has been holding you back? 

I'm not for one second going to pretend that life is perfect. It's not. Yes, I have a wonderful husband. Yes, I have 2 beautiful daughters and a sweet, sweet boy. Yes, I have a job that I enjoy and love. But life is never going to be perfect. Your day is never going to be perfect. God did not intend that for us. He intended on us to lean on Him; to seek Him; to love Him; to know that He is enough even if what we were dealt in life wasn't. 

I laugh in the face of those people who try to portray that perfect lifestyle. I laugh at those people who think they are fooling others. Really? One minute you will pretend that life is all joyous and rainbows, but the second you get in the car or to your house you're yelling at your kids, criticizing the people you just had fellowship with and expect that your going to pull that off without any strings attached? Um, ok. 

Well, I'm not going to portray any of that. I get overwhelmed and have yelled at the kids. I've cried because I feel like I'm drowning in the chaos. I continue to try to seek out a love that has been missing. (no, people, I'm not talking about Jason) I'm not ashamed to admit that nor am I of the thought that I am weak for saying it. The strongest people I know are the TRUTHFUL ones. The ones that know their truths can help another. 

Whew. Ok. I feel better now. I'm not sure why I felt led to say all of that but apparently someone needed to hear it. :) 

Now, back to He Knows. Tonight as I sat down in the comforts of my couch to watch BB10, a knock at the door occurred. My first thought was Awesome. Who the heck is interrupting me? 

Would we really say that if it were God at our door? Hmmmm. . . .

A very good friend (I'll call her K) was standing there. She apologized for not calling first, but said if she saw a car in the driveway, she was stopping. A coincidence? You know my answer. 

She and I go way back to when I began teaching. I won't go into details, but she and I have this thing in common. Then, as it turns out we have many things in common, but this one thing will tie us together forever. I didn't realize how detailed the specifics were until tonight, but I so enjoyed her visit. She stayed for a good 2 hours and the entire time I didn't care what my house looked like, how my kids were dressed, if they were acting all perfect, if I smelled bad after my workout, or if she thought I looked presentable. I didn't apologize for it once. And the best thing of all was that she didn't care either. 

I knew immediately after she left that God was working on me through her. 

He knows what we need when we need it. We can fight it all day. We can turn away from Him over and over. We can continue to seek shelter elsewhere, but in the end He's always there. 

He still knows. 

Love vs. Hate

Did you hear that? It's the sound of me finally at the computer; finally finding the time to write; finally realizing the reason that a blog hasn't been posted is because God is still working on it. 


I'll just get right to it, though.  
There is someone in my life that I'm struggling not to hate. There. I said it. It's not pretty. 
I'd be willing to bet that someone reading this has had the same thought or is having it now about someone. 


I've heard all the self-help advice: 
Forgive but don't forget. 
Let go. 
Don't let them have control. 


I know this: 
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32


I've read all the books. Listened to all the podcasts. Yet, here I sit in front of you still struggling with this thing. And I hate it. Hate that it has me all twisted inside. Hate that I'm even blogging about it. 


I know love conquers all. I know love is the answer. I know this yet here I sit in front of you still struggling with this thing. 


I'm human. Despite the fact that I'm thankful, mindful or positive, I still struggle with the same basics that many others do. 


This said person has done the same things over and over. I expect them to change, or rather hope they would change only to be let down over and over. 


Most days I can look past that struggle, I can remember to be love and show love to all people. But other days it just gets me down. And at times,  it can make me physically ill. 


They continue to tell me by their words and actions that I'm not worth the time, not worth the effort, not worth the love. They continue to be judgmental in their passive-aggressive ways. They may not know that they are saying this or teaching me this, but it seems to be a cycle they are use to living.


It is then that I have to take a step back (like now) and remember that I am worth it. 


Like always, at the moment I needed to stop and remember, I heard this song: 
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North 


As I sit here and get through the struggle in order to leave it behind, I know that it will continue to be a struggle, if I let it. It will continue to consume me, if I let it. It will continue to follow me, if I let it. 


It really comes down to my choosing and my being able to tell myself the following:
I am worthy of love.
I am worthy of the time. 
I am worthy of being heard. 
I am worthy of the fight.
            I am.