Love vs. Hate

Did you hear that? It's the sound of me finally at the computer; finally finding the time to write; finally realizing the reason that a blog hasn't been posted is because God is still working on it. 


I'll just get right to it, though.  
There is someone in my life that I'm struggling not to hate. There. I said it. It's not pretty. 
I'd be willing to bet that someone reading this has had the same thought or is having it now about someone. 


I've heard all the self-help advice: 
Forgive but don't forget. 
Let go. 
Don't let them have control. 


I know this: 
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32


I've read all the books. Listened to all the podcasts. Yet, here I sit in front of you still struggling with this thing. And I hate it. Hate that it has me all twisted inside. Hate that I'm even blogging about it. 


I know love conquers all. I know love is the answer. I know this yet here I sit in front of you still struggling with this thing. 


I'm human. Despite the fact that I'm thankful, mindful or positive, I still struggle with the same basics that many others do. 


This said person has done the same things over and over. I expect them to change, or rather hope they would change only to be let down over and over. 


Most days I can look past that struggle, I can remember to be love and show love to all people. But other days it just gets me down. And at times,  it can make me physically ill. 


They continue to tell me by their words and actions that I'm not worth the time, not worth the effort, not worth the love. They continue to be judgmental in their passive-aggressive ways. They may not know that they are saying this or teaching me this, but it seems to be a cycle they are use to living.


It is then that I have to take a step back (like now) and remember that I am worth it. 


Like always, at the moment I needed to stop and remember, I heard this song: 
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North 


As I sit here and get through the struggle in order to leave it behind, I know that it will continue to be a struggle, if I let it. It will continue to consume me, if I let it. It will continue to follow me, if I let it. 


It really comes down to my choosing and my being able to tell myself the following:
I am worthy of love.
I am worthy of the time. 
I am worthy of being heard. 
I am worthy of the fight.
            I am.