He Knows

I'm going to write from a very honest, heartfelt place tonight. I've decided not to hold back and for any of my readers that are offended, I'm not going to apologize. 
First, if you read my last blog, my last twitter updates, or my last FB status', you might be able to tell that I'm at a place of struggle. You know that I'm working through it so that instead of being a victim, I am a victor. You can never MOVE unless you work through something. I do not want to stay in that state, so I'm seeking everything I can to MOVE - Counsel, music, prayer, and open heart. 

Second, read these words: 
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
(Tenth Avenue North)

This should be my life anthem. Only He knows why. He knew the minute I needed to hear this song and really have those words seep into my heart and mind. 

He knows. He always knows. He knows your pain. He knows your heart breaks. He knows your sin. He knows you inside and out. At this point, I don't care if you believe or agree with everything I say. I know that God is in everything. I know that deep inside of my being and have seen it in action. 

Right now, He knows that I don't need sympathy. He knows I don't need that "atta girl" cheer to lead me on. He knows I don't need to find the humor in it. He knows I don't need to be questioned. He knows that I'm at a place of deep struggle. Those of you questioning "why? what's going on? what is so wrong?" should maybe just step back, check yourself at the door, and instead of wondering where I am, think of a struggle you're having. What's been holding you back lately?  Who has been holding you back? 

I'm not for one second going to pretend that life is perfect. It's not. Yes, I have a wonderful husband. Yes, I have 2 beautiful daughters and a sweet, sweet boy. Yes, I have a job that I enjoy and love. But life is never going to be perfect. Your day is never going to be perfect. God did not intend that for us. He intended on us to lean on Him; to seek Him; to love Him; to know that He is enough even if what we were dealt in life wasn't. 

I laugh in the face of those people who try to portray that perfect lifestyle. I laugh at those people who think they are fooling others. Really? One minute you will pretend that life is all joyous and rainbows, but the second you get in the car or to your house you're yelling at your kids, criticizing the people you just had fellowship with and expect that your going to pull that off without any strings attached? Um, ok. 

Well, I'm not going to portray any of that. I get overwhelmed and have yelled at the kids. I've cried because I feel like I'm drowning in the chaos. I continue to try to seek out a love that has been missing. (no, people, I'm not talking about Jason) I'm not ashamed to admit that nor am I of the thought that I am weak for saying it. The strongest people I know are the TRUTHFUL ones. The ones that know their truths can help another. 

Whew. Ok. I feel better now. I'm not sure why I felt led to say all of that but apparently someone needed to hear it. :) 

Now, back to He Knows. Tonight as I sat down in the comforts of my couch to watch BB10, a knock at the door occurred. My first thought was Awesome. Who the heck is interrupting me? 

Would we really say that if it were God at our door? Hmmmm. . . .

A very good friend (I'll call her K) was standing there. She apologized for not calling first, but said if she saw a car in the driveway, she was stopping. A coincidence? You know my answer. 

She and I go way back to when I began teaching. I won't go into details, but she and I have this thing in common. Then, as it turns out we have many things in common, but this one thing will tie us together forever. I didn't realize how detailed the specifics were until tonight, but I so enjoyed her visit. She stayed for a good 2 hours and the entire time I didn't care what my house looked like, how my kids were dressed, if they were acting all perfect, if I smelled bad after my workout, or if she thought I looked presentable. I didn't apologize for it once. And the best thing of all was that she didn't care either. 

I knew immediately after she left that God was working on me through her. 

He knows what we need when we need it. We can fight it all day. We can turn away from Him over and over. We can continue to seek shelter elsewhere, but in the end He's always there. 

He still knows.