She posted about a good blog and I went there to read after a long day of waiting in line at various places. I didn't expect to be enlightened. I didn't expect that the subject matter would coincidentally run right along with what I've been experiencing.
Something that I've learned after 2 marriages, lots of relationships, and looking myself in the mirror often is that I have issues. He has issues. They have issues. We all have issues.
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times, a little hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -- Marilyn Monroe.
I feel like I'm in a constant quest to find these issues, look them straight in the face, and stomp them out of existence.
These issues randomly show their ugly face and force me to deal with them. When I'm living consciously it's easy to pin point the issue, deal with it and move on.
When I'm not conscious the issue has the ability to last a lot longer than I'd like.
The thing about Jason and I is that the minute we met, we began discussing our issues and recognizing what we needed to work on individually. This is probably one big reason that out of everyone in the world, I feel the most comfortable with him; I feel safe to be me, feel what I feel, and ask for what I need.
Together we recognize our "triggers" and talk them out.
Last night was a perfect example. Something set me off. A work thing. Had absolutely nothing to do with anyone I love. I was furious. So mad that I yelled and then entered the "I can't speak" mode. Jason has never seen me this mad. Heck, it has been a long time since I've felt that mad.
He wasn't sure how to react. I wasn't sure how to vent. So, I left and went for a long run. I didn't know leaving would trigger an issue with him. I didn't realize right then that my leaving wasn't really necessary when he was right there ready to walk me through the vent.
It wasn't my intention to push him away or to trigger an issue.
The biggest blessing about our relationship is that we communicate. It's hard. I won't lie. It takes COMPLETE presence. If I need something, I say it. If he has an issue, he brings it up. Our respect for the other is so much so that we've never truly had a "fight." Between the two of us, we've had our fair share of "sure-fail" relationships. It was through those encounters, though, that we both learned what's most important. Together we are much different people than we were with those past men or women. With age and experience, we got to this point.
He explained that my anger and leaving set something off in him. I explained that I am *still* getting use to having him as a safeguard during every emotion. I've never had that. I have to remind myself *still* that my issues are not our issues.
My issues are my issues. His issues are his issues and... in order to push through those fears, insecurities, and anxieties.........
We must own them.
