Own It

Once again, my friend, T, has started my wheels turning. 

She posted about a good blog and I went there to read after a long day of waiting in line at various places. I didn't expect to be enlightened. I didn't expect that the subject matter would coincidentally run right along with what I've been experiencing. 

Something that I've learned after 2 marriages, lots of relationships, and looking myself in the mirror often is that I have issues. He has issues. They have issues. We all have issues. 

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times, a little hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -- Marilyn Monroe.

I feel like I'm in a constant quest to find these issues, look them straight in the face, and stomp them out of existence. 

These issues randomly show their ugly face  and force me to deal with them. When I'm living consciously it's easy to pin point the issue, deal with it and move on. 

When I'm not conscious the issue has the ability to last a lot longer than I'd like. 

The thing about Jason and I is that the minute we met, we began discussing our issues and recognizing what we needed to work on individually. This is probably one big reason that out of everyone in the world, I feel the most comfortable with him; I feel safe to be me, feel what I feel, and ask for what I need. 

Together we recognize our "triggers" and talk them out. 

Last night was a perfect example. Something set me off. A work thing. Had absolutely nothing to do with anyone I love. I was furious. So mad that I yelled and then entered the "I can't speak" mode. Jason has never seen me this mad. Heck, it has been a long time since I've felt that mad. 

He wasn't sure how to react. I wasn't sure how to vent. So, I left and went for a long run. I didn't know leaving would trigger an issue with him. I didn't realize right then that my leaving wasn't really necessary when he was right there ready to walk me through the vent. 

It wasn't my intention to push him away or to trigger an issue. 

The biggest blessing about our relationship is that we communicate. It's hard. I won't lie. It takes COMPLETE presence. If I need something, I say it. If he has an issue, he brings it up. Our respect for the other is so much so that we've never truly had a "fight."  Between the two of us, we've had our fair share of  "sure-fail" relationships. It was through those encounters, though, that we both learned what's most important. Together we are much different people than we were with those past men or women. With age and experience, we got to this point. 

He explained that my anger and leaving set something off in him. I explained that I am *still* getting use to having him as a safeguard during every emotion. I've never had that. I have to remind myself *still* that my issues are not our issues. 

My issues are my issues. His issues are his issues and... in order to push through those fears, insecurities, and anxieties.........

We must own them. 

Marital Bliss

As I sit down after a long run, sipping a protein shake, giving myself a facial and beginning to watch He's Just Not That Into You, I continue to think of something my friend, T, said in a twitter message: "marital bliss" 

Ironic that this is the name of my post and I'm watching this movie? Life cracks me up sometimes. :) 

So, as you know Jason and I have been married a little less than a month. I'm not sure that I ever truly experienced bliss with anyone before him. Sure, I thought I did with a, b, c, and d, but truthfully, what Jason and I share is really unexplainable. 

- No, boys don't say mean things to us if they like/love us

- No, boys don't avoid us because we're "more successful" than they are

-No, he doesn't like us so much that he's waiting 4 days to call

-No, it's not because he's never had a serious relationship or b/c he's just getting over one

Why do we lie to each other? Obviously, if we're telling someone that, we are trying to comfort them and not make the truth so hard to take. Wow. It is what it is, ladies. 

We need to be looking for those men that are into us as much as we are into them. 

I'm definitely going to sit Madison and Avery down and add this to the list of things they must know as women. 

-------------------------------------------

So, marital bliss. 

Yeah, it really is. Though, it doesn't feel any different than before. And there are times when I find myself hesitating to tell anyone about it because I don't want to make them gag. My friend (I'll call her "Goose") explained it this way: 

"Really going to miss my Joe next week. I know people say it's not healthy to be this attached, but I think those people are just miserable in their marriages. LOL!"

Goose and Joe have been married 4 years and are one of my favorite couples on earth. It's easy to see and feel the love they share. It is heart-warming to be that close to love.

Goose and Joe share something that Jason and I know all about. 

I have never had so much fun with a person in my life. Jason makes me laugh all the time. And most of the stuff that makes us laugh, no one else would find worthy of even a smirk. 

It is hard being away from him for even hours. It feels strange to not be close to him. For months were hours away from each other. We spent so much time talking on the phone at first, that you would faint. Although, this was really a great thing, because we were able to cut out the BS and really get to know each other. Of course we do spend time apart, but it doesn't mean that we both wish we could be doing everything together. 

I feel more safe with him than anyone. Growing up, I sort of just began leaning on myself and not really relying on others. I didn't trust them. I knew I could trust me. With Jason, though I know that I'm safe. No matter what. Not just physically, emotionally, etc. I'm safe to not be perfect. I'm safe to be silly. I'm safe to be risky. Safe to say things I've never said to anyone else. I'm safe to learn new things. I'm safe to continue exploring who I am. I'm safe to not have all the answers. I'm safe to recognize my faults and fix them. I can be freaking out and take one look into his eyes and be as calm as ever. 

No expectations. For the first time in my life, I decided from the start that I would NOT place any unreasonable expectations on our relationship. I don't mean the basic expectations of a relationship, but I'm talking about the ludicrous, absurd expectations that many of us put on another person. The weird thing is that not placing those unreasonable expectations on our relationship actually made us stronger. Who knew?

Like Me. I often say that Jason is the guy version of me. He loads his burgers with ketchup and mustard and dips his fries in the mustard. He likes driving around. He loves going out for coffee. He only likes going to movies that he knows he will like. He is a mult-tasker. He enjoys almost every music genre and knows the exact same songs I use to listen to while growing up. He references items in the same wording that I did when I was little. He's not afraid to take risks. He doesn't allow what people think to run his life. He's so much like me, that it floors me sometimes. 

I often wondered if a guy like Jason existed. As a girl, I had this vision of the relationship I wanted. I wanted the puppy dog, first love, best friend, passionate kind of love all wrapped up in one. Don't we all? 

But as time went by, that vision was restructured by every relationship I ever had. And somewhere along the way I lost the initial vision. 

It took 32 years, but I've never been more sure of anything in my life. 

He's definitely as into me as I am into him. ♥

The best things I ever did......

I'm back blogging. Again. 

It's been almost an unbelievable month since I've blogged. Like the past few years of my life, this past month was a bit stressful. I really cannot pinpoint why, but it definitely affected my health. I've never been so sick as I was this past month. I *do* believe: stress kills. It caught up with me and wouldn't let go. I'm so glad to be blogging again, though. It's a sign I'm gaining against the stress. Writing is as good for my soul as chocolate.

Not talking.

I think one of the best things I ever did was NOT talk about what was going on in my life while it was going on. It was already too much to deal with for me and my circle of trust but there was no way I could've repeated all that was happening to everyone who was just curious. I would pass on this advice to anyone I know going through a struggle and ironically, I have passed it on to two different friends in the past month. It's funny how everyone thinks they know what's going on in your life based on a facebook status or by what they hear from others. It's even funnier that people actually were offended that I didn't take the time to tell them everything. Truthfully, though, we all struggle with something on a daily basis. It doesn't mean we always have to talk about it, right? Hence, the reason I haven't really been blogging. 

Getting married.

This sort of goes along with "not talking." I stopped living my life for everyone else. After all, they only knew pieces of my life. I stopped thinking of what others thought. I decided that not talking really helped give me permission to feel what I felt and begin living my life. It allowed me time to grieve, time to love my girls, time to find a "new normal." I'm running my race. It will never be like anyone else's. It will require things that aren't required of others. So, when Jason came into my life I had pretty much thought that I would go the rest of the race alone. I was ok with that, too. But then, he became "the list." The list I should've made at 17. The list I tell my girls about now. The list empowers you and allows you to really know yourself. Besides the list, I let the girls lead. I made no decision without knowing how they felt about it first. I didn't go forward with anything unless I knew that they were safe, secure, and solid in the next steps. So, just as everyone was really finding out about the divorce, we were already past that stage and feeling out just how Jason would fit into our family. Now, here we are. And it cracks me up when people are so surprised. For us, we are settled and ready to see what the future holds! In a small town, many of you know what a feat that is - going a whole year w/out anyone really knowing or being able to give their opinions. It just kills some people. ;) 

Reading.

Since Friday I have finished the third of the Twilight series, Fireproof, and am now 1/2 way done with Breaking Dawn. One of my other favorite reads is a blog written by my friend, T. I love her blogs b/c they are real, raw, and truthful. They aren't always happy face blogs, but she always inspires me. They ALWAYS trigger strong emotion after I finish them. She, like all of us, is on a quest to better know her life, her relationships, and herself. I don't get to comment every time, but tonight I want to tribute her and her writing. She's not afraid to say what she thinks or feels. Check her out! 

Vacating.

No kidding. The minute I left town and went into the cool mountains of NM, my stomach pain stopped. I slept more than I have in a year. I laughed and loved and listened. The silence. Being on top of a mountain and stopping in your tracks is fabulous. You are there. God is there. I know he speaks in the silence. If only we could find more time to find the silence. I know we would all be much wiser and calmer. So, I'm back home and ready for relaxation, no sense of time and for the silence to envelope around me. 

Girls. 

They've always been the best things I've ever done. They are my breath, my life, and my sunshine. I learn more about myself just by watching and listening to them. Maddie is 1/2 of me and Avery the other 1/2. I see my flaws in them, my talents, and more than anything God's grace in each of them. I'm so blessed to be their mama! 

So, this summer we all will be doing something that we love. 

Maddie will be taking art camp. Art heals her and allows her to speak through drawing. I love that she's tuned into this at such a young age. 

Avery will start ballet. If you only knew how often she spins around to music......She thrilled about doing something that is all her own. 

And I'm tossing around an idea of my own. I've never taken any kind of dance class, but I'm seriously thinking of signing up for one. 

Life is too short to have regrets. 

Life is too short to wonder what if. 

Life is too short to not try the things you've always wanted to do. 

Go. Do them. I'm giving you permission. It will be the best thing you ever did....