Slow Transformation

Well, now that I have your attention, I thought I'd better take advantage of it. :) 


Right now I'm in the middle of reading Queen Bees & Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman. This book was the basis of the movie Mean Girls. If you are the parent of a daughter, these both are musts. It will take you inside the world of girls, pre-teens, teens, and make you check your own personal baggage. 


I have so enjoyed the use of the Internet in my life. It has helped me connect and reconnect with so many women from my past and new women I've recently met and love. I've found in my correspondence with many, that we all have some of the same issues we had as girls and pre-teens. 


One friend that I go way back with actually caught me on FB the other day and IM'd me. "Thank you for being nice to me when everyone else made fun of me and said hurtful words. It took me a long time to get over those words, but once I did, it only made me stronger." 


I hope she doesn't mind that I'm sharing that, but I think she speaks for the majority of us. 


Many of my mommy friends express frustration with their bodies. I think as girls/women we struggle with trying to be what society and the media tells us and shows us to be. 


There is a chapter in Wiseman's book called The Beauty Pageant. It describes in length the game of the beauty pageant. She states "Adolescence is a beauty pageant." Would you agree? 


Isabel, 17, says "It is impossible to win the contest. . .but I think a lot of girls perceive others to be the winner, but in actuality those girls are just as competitive and unsure of themselves as everyone else."


As women, we go through many transformations. Some are easy and we hardly notice. Others are difficult and we work and work and try and try and still don't see results. 


Tonight I'm writing to you from the latter. 


So many of you know that for the past 20 weeks, and especially the last 10-12 I've been very conscience of my food choices, calorie intake and commit to working out 5 days a week or more. Part of my journey was traveled with a group of ladies during a weight loss challenge. 


Guess who didn't lose hardly any weight? 
Guess who consistently weighed in every week? 
Guess who documented her food intake and exercise with myfitnesspal.com? 
Guess who worked out 30 minutes or more each time? 
Guess who didn't see any results back from the scale? 


Me, me and me. 


I got so tired of it. I admit that I would rarely go out b/c I felt so gross and felt so self-conscious about how I looked. Everyone would say "Cut yourself a break. You just had a baby." "It's just muscle." "It must be b/c your breast feeding."  No offense, but that didn't help. It didn't make my jeans fit and it sure didn't make my thighs seem lesser. And like every other time I've had a baby, my self esteem was shot. 


Nevertheless, here I am 20 weeks after having a baby. I'm only 10 lbs shy of when I delivered him. Even if Jillian Michaels herself walked into my house, I would NOT be embarrassed by my progress, food choices and water intake.Even though I'm doing everything right, here I sit still trying to make it to my weight goal. 
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Butterflies are near and dear to my heart. So it is only fitting that I use their life cycle as my metaphor. 


"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."


I love the TV shows Losing It or The Biggest Loser mainly because I love the reveals. In the beginning, you can just tell the people weren't taking care of themselves. You can tell things are weighing heavy on their minds (no pun intended.) But at the reveal you can also tell that they went through a transformation. They look healthier, happier and stronger. Something about their hard works shows through their eyes and their smile. 


I'm going to share with you my own slow transformation. 


Pic 1 - April 2009, months before getting pregnant
Pic 2 - November 2009, 5 months pregnant 
Pic 3 - March 22, 2010, delivery day
Pic 4 - March 23, going home! 
Pic 5, May 2010, 2 months after baby
Pic 6, July, 4 months after baby


Though I have not lost the weight yet, I think you'll be able to see that I have lost something, most probably have come through some emotional hurdles as well, and I hope that you can see in my last picture that all those hours of eating healthy and working out did transform me in some way. I know this because the minute I posted the last picture in this series, people started commenting on it with positive feedback. I feel healthier, lighter, and happier. 

You may not see the results you want immediately, but I guarantee others will notice you changing. So keep going with me. Don't give up. 

You can never fail if you never stop trying.

He Knows

I'm going to write from a very honest, heartfelt place tonight. I've decided not to hold back and for any of my readers that are offended, I'm not going to apologize. 
First, if you read my last blog, my last twitter updates, or my last FB status', you might be able to tell that I'm at a place of struggle. You know that I'm working through it so that instead of being a victim, I am a victor. You can never MOVE unless you work through something. I do not want to stay in that state, so I'm seeking everything I can to MOVE - Counsel, music, prayer, and open heart. 

Second, read these words: 
Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
(Tenth Avenue North)

This should be my life anthem. Only He knows why. He knew the minute I needed to hear this song and really have those words seep into my heart and mind. 

He knows. He always knows. He knows your pain. He knows your heart breaks. He knows your sin. He knows you inside and out. At this point, I don't care if you believe or agree with everything I say. I know that God is in everything. I know that deep inside of my being and have seen it in action. 

Right now, He knows that I don't need sympathy. He knows I don't need that "atta girl" cheer to lead me on. He knows I don't need to find the humor in it. He knows I don't need to be questioned. He knows that I'm at a place of deep struggle. Those of you questioning "why? what's going on? what is so wrong?" should maybe just step back, check yourself at the door, and instead of wondering where I am, think of a struggle you're having. What's been holding you back lately?  Who has been holding you back? 

I'm not for one second going to pretend that life is perfect. It's not. Yes, I have a wonderful husband. Yes, I have 2 beautiful daughters and a sweet, sweet boy. Yes, I have a job that I enjoy and love. But life is never going to be perfect. Your day is never going to be perfect. God did not intend that for us. He intended on us to lean on Him; to seek Him; to love Him; to know that He is enough even if what we were dealt in life wasn't. 

I laugh in the face of those people who try to portray that perfect lifestyle. I laugh at those people who think they are fooling others. Really? One minute you will pretend that life is all joyous and rainbows, but the second you get in the car or to your house you're yelling at your kids, criticizing the people you just had fellowship with and expect that your going to pull that off without any strings attached? Um, ok. 

Well, I'm not going to portray any of that. I get overwhelmed and have yelled at the kids. I've cried because I feel like I'm drowning in the chaos. I continue to try to seek out a love that has been missing. (no, people, I'm not talking about Jason) I'm not ashamed to admit that nor am I of the thought that I am weak for saying it. The strongest people I know are the TRUTHFUL ones. The ones that know their truths can help another. 

Whew. Ok. I feel better now. I'm not sure why I felt led to say all of that but apparently someone needed to hear it. :) 

Now, back to He Knows. Tonight as I sat down in the comforts of my couch to watch BB10, a knock at the door occurred. My first thought was Awesome. Who the heck is interrupting me? 

Would we really say that if it were God at our door? Hmmmm. . . .

A very good friend (I'll call her K) was standing there. She apologized for not calling first, but said if she saw a car in the driveway, she was stopping. A coincidence? You know my answer. 

She and I go way back to when I began teaching. I won't go into details, but she and I have this thing in common. Then, as it turns out we have many things in common, but this one thing will tie us together forever. I didn't realize how detailed the specifics were until tonight, but I so enjoyed her visit. She stayed for a good 2 hours and the entire time I didn't care what my house looked like, how my kids were dressed, if they were acting all perfect, if I smelled bad after my workout, or if she thought I looked presentable. I didn't apologize for it once. And the best thing of all was that she didn't care either. 

I knew immediately after she left that God was working on me through her. 

He knows what we need when we need it. We can fight it all day. We can turn away from Him over and over. We can continue to seek shelter elsewhere, but in the end He's always there. 

He still knows. 

Love vs. Hate

Did you hear that? It's the sound of me finally at the computer; finally finding the time to write; finally realizing the reason that a blog hasn't been posted is because God is still working on it. 


I'll just get right to it, though.  
There is someone in my life that I'm struggling not to hate. There. I said it. It's not pretty. 
I'd be willing to bet that someone reading this has had the same thought or is having it now about someone. 


I've heard all the self-help advice: 
Forgive but don't forget. 
Let go. 
Don't let them have control. 


I know this: 
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32


I've read all the books. Listened to all the podcasts. Yet, here I sit in front of you still struggling with this thing. And I hate it. Hate that it has me all twisted inside. Hate that I'm even blogging about it. 


I know love conquers all. I know love is the answer. I know this yet here I sit in front of you still struggling with this thing. 


I'm human. Despite the fact that I'm thankful, mindful or positive, I still struggle with the same basics that many others do. 


This said person has done the same things over and over. I expect them to change, or rather hope they would change only to be let down over and over. 


Most days I can look past that struggle, I can remember to be love and show love to all people. But other days it just gets me down. And at times,  it can make me physically ill. 


They continue to tell me by their words and actions that I'm not worth the time, not worth the effort, not worth the love. They continue to be judgmental in their passive-aggressive ways. They may not know that they are saying this or teaching me this, but it seems to be a cycle they are use to living.


It is then that I have to take a step back (like now) and remember that I am worth it. 


Like always, at the moment I needed to stop and remember, I heard this song: 
By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North 


As I sit here and get through the struggle in order to leave it behind, I know that it will continue to be a struggle, if I let it. It will continue to consume me, if I let it. It will continue to follow me, if I let it. 


It really comes down to my choosing and my being able to tell myself the following:
I am worthy of love.
I am worthy of the time. 
I am worthy of being heard. 
I am worthy of the fight.
            I am. 

Trash Talk

I just discovered this show on A&E called Hoarders. 


I admittedly sat for several hours one day watching episodes. It was like a train wreck. I couldn't look away.  Though, ironically, the people on this show were so used to looking away at the problem, it was now ruining their lives. 


Hoarders


I think that as a people all need to take time to stop and do inventory on ourselves and our lives. Whether it be food, finances, drugs, alcohol, work, socializing, gossiping, shopping, trash, or just "stuff"... many of us are hoarders whether we admit it or not. 


I've come to the conclusion after talking to several friends this month that we need to do what these professionals help the hoarders do: take inventory, decide what we need to hang on to or keep doing, and make a 3 separate piles: keep, give away, TRASH. 


If we don't take spiritual, mental and physical inventory, things can become overwhelming. 


It seems that so many of the people featured on this show were buying stuff and keeping stuff in order to fill a void. Like so many addictions, it seems this was no different. 
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For the past week, the girls and I have been cleaning. Not just the normal stuff, but cleaning out closets, drawers, buckets, bags. If it hasn't been touched, we touched it this week. 


Partly, I was making up for the past year. I just didn't feel like messing with any of the stuff. Being pg made me tired, so I put it off. And off. And off. It wasn't horrible. Not like Hoarders, but it did take a lot of time. 


There was one particular corner that I had been putting off. Documents, mail, papers, loads of pictures AKA reminders of the past. It had been in the same pile for a few years, tucked behind something larger so I could hide it. Every day, though, when I looked that direction, I was reminded of what was there. Of the past. Ugh. Dealing with the past, though, is always necessary in order to leave it behind.


So last week, I sat down for several hours and went through it all. The girls did this with me and we talked a lot about abundance, having too much, and what others might not have. 


How liberating it was to TOSS out the old stuff, To GIVE AWAY the things we no longer needed, and to realize what was important enough to KEEP. 
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I think we must also take time to do this with our refrigerators, pantries, minds, hearts, and souls. 


People must be able to decide which of their thoughts they should keep, give away, and throw out. I'm no exception. Lately I've learned that I have to be very careful about things I've been told in the past and most recently. Some of the things were hurtful, heartbreaking and disappointing. Some of the things were truth, some were told with the greatest intentions, some were told in love. 


For me, all of it gets jumbled together and starts collecting in a little corner of my mind. At least once a day I need to sort things out so that I can start fresh again the next day. 
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Women, most importantly, need to do this as their daily jobs as mom, wife, and homemaker can really interfere with this process. 


I'm hoping to teach my girls to do this at least twice a year even into their adulthood. 


I'm hoping to teach them that others may have more STUFF, but it doesn't always bring happiness. 


I'm hoping to teach them when things are overflowing, they have too much STUFF. It's time to purge. 


I'm hoping to teach them that STUFF doesn't fill holes, heal wounds, or help their self worth. 


I'm hoping to teach them now so that they are able to do it as habit later.


"Clear your mind must be, if you are to discover the real villains behind this plot."  ~Frank Oz


Edited to Add: A very special friend reminded me of a great site that helps with organization/cleaning/motivation. You might want to check it out if you haven't yet. 
FLY LADY

Running Your Own Race

I enjoy running. 


Had you known me as a child, you'd laugh out loud. I hated running. I have fond memories of hating P.E. I use to cry when I would have to go. I dreaded it and thought my Jillian Michaels-like PE teacher was the devil. :)  Unfortunately, Maddie is just like me in that regard. Poor thing. Only difference is that she loves her coaches and for that I'm so thankful. 


As an adult, I've learned to reap the benefits of my running time. 


1. I'm setting a good example for my girls to not be afraid to workout, sweat, and feeling pain. 
2. God speaks to me. You might want to debate this, but it's true. 
3. It heals my heart, mind, and body. 


If I can overcome my initial thought of NO! I don't wanna sweat or get out of bed or leave my warm, cozy bed,  then I jump start my day, my attitude, and my healing. 


We all have wounds. We've all walked through the door of pain. We've all diminished our roles in life, what we have, who we are. We've all compared ourselves to others. 


Yet, it's in those thoughts and times that we lose ourselves. 


As I went for a 60 minute jog yesterday, I ran in the same lane the entire time. I stopped for a brief moment for a stretch or for a drink and then kept going. Some parts of the 60 minutes were harder and hotter than others. Despite those "I-don't-wanna-keep-going" moments, I did, and afterwards felt so much better. Stronger. In tune. Open. Breathing in Life. 


Had I been running with someone else, they might have had a different run experience. They might have not stopped at all, they might have been looking to me the whole time, they might have stopped and quit. They may have decided walking was better. Or jogging. Or sprinting.

My point: We are not all going to do things the same way. We may choose a different path. We may choose a different speed. But we cannot compare ourselves to anyone else. We each have a different race to run and a different goal to reach. 


Running our own race is the only way to heal our hearts and live peacefully. 

In Love

He melts my heart. 

His eyes capture me.

His smile makes me feel like I can conquer the world. 

The touch of his hand is so gentle yet so strong.  

His voice makes my world stop. 

His love is never-ending without gain. 

Waking with him, Falling asleep with him

Laughing with him

Loving him

In Love

 

Shout Outs

I'm sure if you have ever blogged  or are a writer you understand that feeling that comes with a topic when it won't leave you. It eats at you until you get it down on paper or out in the "open." This blog has been that way for me this week. 


Many people have been on my mind and heart lately and I wanted to not only tell them in person "thank you" or "i love you," but I thought they deserved a blog shout out, even if they maybe don't see this right away. 

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MIL's get such a bad rap these days. (mother-in-law) 


On a simple google search of the term "mother in law," 99% of the results were negative. I was pretty surprised. I mean I knew that many people speak negatively about that relationship in their lives, but doesn't anyone have anything nice to say about them?


A few weeks ago as I was working with a lady I rarely get to see or spend time with, we happened upon the topic of mothers-in-law. She shared many treasures of knowledge as she always does regarding parenting boys, girls, and on being both a daughter-in-law as well as a mother-in-law. 


Here's what I took from that conversation: 


* The MIL/DIL relationship is a fragile one - No matter how hard each of them try to be great.  
* Many times MIL/DIL miscommunicate on things and those little things turn into big things. 
* MIL/DIL have different styles, like different things, and do almost everything a bit different than the other. 
* It's usually hard for your spouse (their son) to understand how delicate some of those miscommunications are for the both of you. 
*  Being the mom of a boy is an important role, so you should take time to teach your son now some of the things that were important to you as a DIL. 
* It's important to find the humor in all situations. 
* No matter how hard you try as a DIL/MIL, you're usually still going to feel they "don't like you" at some point or another. 
* Despite all of the above, you both love and adore the man that has become your common denominator. 


My shout out here goes to: 


1. My MIL - she recently spent 2 weeks with us helping while I went back to work. We cannot express our thanks enough for that care, time and the goodies she brought. She's a jewel and I'm so luck to call her my MIL. THANK YOU!  


2.  My ex-MIL. Yep, you read that right. She is a wonderful  grandmother to the girls. They've been able to spend the past 2 weekends with her and I would never not let them go, as I know they are all making great memories with each other. 
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It happens every summer, but I seem to always get homesick. Oddly enough, my parents don't live in my hometown anymore, but I will always consider that place home. Even if the place and people have forgotten me, I will always have a continual pulling to go visit and experience all the good things that I remember about it. 


I have a handful of friends still there or from there that I consider true, real, longtime friends. You know, the ones who even over time you can sit with and talk and it's like there was never a  great distance between the two of you or that 15 years have gone by. 


Not all small towns are created equal, as I've found out. I may be biased, but I think my small town is the best. 


Today I talked to one of those friends and discussed a possible visit in the next few months. 


This kudos is to all of my hometown peeps. You know who you are - I love you and love that even after such a long time, we are still part of each other's lives. 
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I love hard working, real, forgiving people. I think it's because I grew up with many people of that type. It's probably also because my dad (not a college graduate) was so successful, had a great group of friends, a very honest to goodness work ethic, and taught us that being a hard worker and being down to earth went a long way in life. 


This week I've come across a few of those types of people. They always warm my heart and I enjoy conversing with them because you always know what you see is what you get. There's no other motives. There's no "fair weathered-ness" with them. They aren't trying to use you to get ahead. They don't pretend to be perfect, they don't pretend to have perfect families, they aren't afraid for you to know the "real" parts of their life. 


So my next shout-out is to those great people. Because let's face it - the simple and real parts of life are sooooo refreshing. 
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This last shout out goes to a few people. These people have given great advice, lived humbly, and were not accidents in my life, I'm sure. 


1. My long time friend, S. Though I do not see her often, she still is teaching me so much about being professional. She's a mentor, for sure, and I know that I am where I am, in part, because of all I learned from her. 


2. My friend, K. She doesn't know that our week long visit was a "God thing" but like always, I take so many treasures of knowledge after talking with her. She will even talk with me about healthy food options! :) 


3. My DDC peeps. These ladies rock! They offer tons of advice, support, and humor! I'm so glad I "ran" into them! :) 


And here's a shout out for YOU, if you made it through all of that reading! :)