I Love You, Lord

Many years ago, at a very young age, when life was dark, sad, empty and confusing I would sit and listen to music over and over. One of those songs was called "I Love You, Lord" with very simple, yet powerful lyrics: 

I love you, Lord 
And I lift my voice 
To worship You 
Oh, my soul rejoice! 
Take joy my King 
In what You hear 
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear

I would literally cry out these words while listening and hoped that someday my words, my actions, and my thoughts would be a "sweet sound" to Him. 

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Fast forward to Sunday. 

Jason was on-call, so while he was out doing rounds, I was home watching and listening to Elevate Life Church knowing that ,as always, it would speak to me. 

What I didn't expect was for the melody of "I Love You, Lord" to begin playing before the actual sermon. All I could do was sit there, listen, sing and pray. 

A few hours later I was at the track running my long run. If you haven't read about my marathon training(click here), you should catch up (start around Dec 4th). It's not about losing weight. It's about discipline of self and spirit. 

See, I know/knew that I could never get to a place mentally or spiritually to finish my book unless I started giving up some things. The book. You know, the one that has been in progress for years? 

So, I knew immediately when my friend, Becca, texted me and asked me to do the marathon that I had to say yes. I knew it was a door of opportunity to get me from point A to point B. (or C, or D) :) I knew that her text was really sent by God. My story, HIS story needs to be told. 

What I didn't know was how powerful that discipline and time with God would be already. 

On that long Sunday run, God and I had a long discussion. I admitted to him a lot. I cannot do life without him. I cannot do this book without HIS words. I cannot and have not done anything in life without him - ever. 

I prayed the same prayer I've prayed for years: 

Speak through me. Love through me. Give through me. Teach through me. Be in my thoughts, words, and actions. Use me in whatever way YOU need. I surrender. 

Something different happened that day, though. I can't say what exactly. 

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Monday

Not once, not twice, but THREE times I had THREE different people stop in my office. 

All THREE conversations had a theme, the same theme - "Do not worry. He is in EVERYTHING. He cares."

What's great about all three of those conversations isn't the coincidence of the number 3 (Father, Son, Holy Spirit), but more so the theme of each conversation and what I got out of each one.  

My book is about my brother's death, my family's struggle through that, my lesson that gratitude through anything can take you higher. I thought all of those were my themes. 

However, I'm pretty sure that another big theme is this: "God was there the moment I saw my brother for the last time. God was there the moment I knew I needed to grab him back inside. God was there when he fell. God was there when we cried. God was there. God was there. God was there." 

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Tuesday

We woke up later than ever. It was a typical morning, though. Breakfast, hair, clothes, more hair, and then out the door. 

I had a busy day at work. There wasn't much time to think or reflect. I had one great conversation that stood out. 

It was rainy and cold. I had a run planned. I left at 5:45. My foot was slightly injured, but I went anyway. 

Press on! I told myself

30 minutes later I knew I needed to stop and rest my foot or I wouldn't be able to walk. 

As I walked myself off the track, I cried and cried. My run tonight was frustrating. I felt defeated. I had dinner, I showered, and was in bed by 8:30. 

--------------TEXT MESSAGE-----------

Me: Sorry I missed your call. Went running. Now in bed. 

Shelsea: Ur birthday present place (click here for that blog post) called me today. I guess I was the only one that put a phone # on my donation. They wanted to talk to you. 

Me: Really?! Did they say why? 

Shelsea: I didn't want to give them your number so I gave them your address and your blog. 

Me: Wow

Shelsea: They were so grateful. They wanted to interview you and present you with something. 

Me: No way! 

Shelsea: They asked me who you were and why I made the donation in your name. 

Me: That's AWESOME! 

Shelsea: I told them to check the dates Dec 4-6 and see if there was an increase in donations those days and she confirmed that there were....

Me: I'm in TEARS! Wow! 

Shelsea: I was in tears. She asked how I knew you and why you chose this as your bday gift. I told her (didn't think you'd mind)

Me: Thank you so much for sharing this! 

Shelsea: No thank you! It was the best call & birthday gift I've ever given - to know that I have helped someone else. 

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Thank YOU

Thank you to every single one of you that donated to a charity (specifically Hope Cottage) in my name for my 35th birthday. You have made a difference in a life. You have given of yourself. You have changed the world and that, my friends, is what we are CALLED to do. 

Please Don't Say "Happy Birthday!"

Last year for my birthday I decided to do several blog giveaways! It was the best thing I've done in a long time.  I had so much fun giving! This year I'm asking YOU to give something instead. (keep reading)

Adoption is near and dear to my heart. On December 5, I was adopted at 3 days old and I reflect on the fact that even if I was unplanned in the eyes of my birth parents, I was not unplanned in the eyes of God. He had a purpose for my life before I even drew my first breath of life. 

I LOVE adoption stories and despite what others assume, I'm very open about talking about my feelings about my own situation. I also love to hear others' stories when I get the chance. 

As a teacher, I've taught many, many students over the course of the 11 years I've been in education. One student stands out, though. She was a sophomore in my computer class. The next year I didn't even realize she was gone. The year after, her senior year, she returned. I was chosen to be a sponsor for the senior trip to Six Flags. As I sat on a bench beside the Texas Giant, I noticed she sat beside me. All of a sudden she struck up a conversation. 

-You were adopted right?

Yes

-I remember when you were my teacher. The first week of school we had to do the About Me project. You told us about being adopted and about your brother dying and how life is never how you expect it to turn out.

Yes

-Well, I was curious. Do you ever feel anger toward your birth mother? 

(Without hesitation) No. I think she gave me one of the greatest gifts a person can give. In my eyes she's a hero. 

-Really? 

Yes. 

-Do you remember I was gone last year? 

Yes

-I went away to have a baby. I gave that baby up for adoption. I struggle daily with wondering if she'll grow up to hate me or be angry at me. 

In that moment, I realized that everything we go through in life, isn't just for us. It's for us to share with others and tell what we've learned. It's for us to mentor with and guide others who might go through that same situation playing a different role. It's for us to comfort and console. And that's exactly what I did. 

In a way I could say to her the exact things I'd say to my own birth mother if I had the chance and she could express her love and worry to me when she couldn't say those things yet to her baby girl. 

November is National Adoption Awareness Month (bet you didn't know that!) and after several coincidental (you know I don't believe in this) conversations about adoption with a new friend this year, I realized there weren't many charities centering around adoption. 

So, I know it's now December and you'll probably take time to actually go to my FB wall or twitter feed to say "Happy Birthday."  But this year I'm asking you not to. I'm asking you to choose one of the following charities and take that time to donate at least $1 in my name for my 35th birthday. 

1. Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption

2. Gladney Center for Adoption
3. Hope Cottage

Big love and gratitude to each of you for making my life so abundant! 

A Mother's Legacy

I could sit with you over coffee and tell you in detail what it was like to have both girls close to me before they were born. I remember both exact moments that I knew I was pregnant. The pregnancies were as different as the girls personalities are today. 

Funny that I got a piece of great advice from a dad, right? Not so much. He understood the weight of leaving a great legacy to your children. He told me while I was pregnant with Maddie how he wrote letters to each of his children on everyone of their birthdays. His plan was to give them all the letters on their 18th or 21st birthday. What a great idea! 

I set out to write them through pregnancy AND through their birthday's, as well. I tucked each letter with care into their baby books. As the years pass, I know I've missed writing those letters on their exact birthday's but I have written them letters each year entailing the various stages of their lives, their friends, their funniest moments or sayings, their likes and dislikes, and some sort of advice from the vantage point of wherever I am in my own life. 

This was something I missed as a child and young adult. I never have any reference to go to about what I was like as a child, at least not anything documented besides my baby book. Being adopted, I have TWO moms to thank. I'm sure I wrote about it before even though today I cannot find it. I had a student once ask if I was mad at my birth mother. No one had EVER asked me that question in all the years I've been inquired. I honestly can tell you, as a mom now, that I admire her more than ever. To give up something so precious in order to make their life better whatever her circumstances, wow, that's true love. I'm almost sure I couldn't do it. That alone is an example of one legacy. 

So today I wanted to offer you the idea of leaving your kids a token of a mother's love. Write them a letter. Why? 

1. Leave your Legacy: leave your beliefs and values, let them get to know who you are down to the core, they will find a sense of self by knowing who you are.

2. Give your kids a voice, especially your daughters. Empower them by letting them know they count. 

3. Strengthen bonds: Just by writing to your children now you are strengthening your bond.

4. Family Essence: to keep a family strong. In church yesterday, they gave many examples of great people (presidents) who only had strong women in their lives. Even if it's just you as a mom without a father role in your household, it's absolutely possible to keep your family strong. This is one example. 

5. Give thanks. One thing I often tell the girls is that I'm so glad God chose me to be their mom. I am so thankful for each of the girls in my life and tell them often things that I learn from them. This can be a life altering thing for a young child, to know they make a difference no matter where they are in their life or age.

6. Make amends. As moms, we know we are not perfect. We know we make mistakes. We do our very best and do better when we know better. This is the perfect opportunity to show our vulnerability to our kids and let them know we still love them even if we don't have all the answers to life. 

7. Keep connected. As your kids read your letters, they will always get to see a glimpse of your personality. It will bring them an everlasting connection to your heart. 

8. Words for Growth. Words have the power to heal, allow growth, create a better understanding, to bring closure and to allow or open the door for communication. As a women, I know how important this for my girls. 

9.  Peace of mind. I know from experience, after writing any letter to the girls, I have a great sense of relief. To give them a tiny glimpse into life at that very moment. It's something that I may never be able to do fifteen years down the road. 

10. The perfect gift. Much of the reason that I blog is for the girls. The main reason for writing my book is for the girls. I could care less if I sell one single copy or make any money. I want to leave them my experiences, my lessons, my loves, my disappointments, my hopes, my beliefs and my words. It is a gift that I am certain will make a difference in their lives. 

For all of you moms, for all your journeys, heartaches, dreams, struggles and triumphs.....

Happy Mother's Day! 

Great Women

Since this month is Women's History Month, I thought it befitting to do a few posts over great women. When I began thinking of the great women in my life, I was surprised that the list was so long!

I'm so thankful that these women have come into my life. A few have stayed, but some of the greatest have gone and left such a great heart-print on my life. I think of all of them as so incredibly strong. Funny. Just in the past week, several people have said or written to me "Tisha, you must be strong because . . ." Ha! A lot they know. I do not feel strong most of the time, at least not on my own accord. 

Of all the women that I think of as strong, I think of my own birth mother. I've said this while blogging before, but as a mother myself, I cannot think of a greater strength and love: giving up your own child so they may be cared for in ways you are aware you cannot provide. Adoption stories are always so close to my heart. As I get older, they always, without a doubt, bring tears to my eyes. I admire her so much for something I'm pretty sure I couldn't do. 

As for women that I don't know, personally, one of my favorite strong women is Maya Angelou. If you have not had the chance to read some of her writings, do. She has a great story and is such an inspiration to so many, including me. 

I leave you with an excerpt from each of my favorite of her poems and dedicate them to the strongest of women in my life: 

Still I Rise

. . . 

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops

Weakened by my soulful cries. 

. . . 

You may shoot me with your words, 

You may cut me with your eyes, 

You may kill me with your hatefulness, 

But still, like air, I'll rise. 

Phenomenal Woman

. . . 

Now you understand 

Just why my head's not bowed

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud. 

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say, 

It's in the click of my heels, 

The bend of my hair, 

The palm of my hand, 

The need of my care. 

'Cause I'm a woman

Phenomenally. 

Phenomenal woman,

That's me.