Knowing better, doing better

I could tell you that the exchanges between me and the ex were always pleasant, but you wouldn't believe me. I will speak candidly about this today. 

Truthfully, they are usually painful each and every time. I am hopeful and faithful that this will change. Friends have told me that I'm hoping in vain and that most likely nothing will change. Like always, though, one of my weaknesses is always seeing the good in everyone. At times this doesn't work in my favor. 

It's very hard watching your children go through a relationship that seems to mimic your past relationship with their father. Without going into much detail in order to protect everyone involved, I will only say that the dynamic of the relationships are complete opposite and yet so familiarly the same as the one with me. Before, I could sort of shield everyone including myself from the pain that was. Before, I could coach everyone on what to say and how to say it. Now, though, I have to be in the background as a support: watching and waiting. Waiting for what exactly?

Aren't we all waiting for something? Something to change? Someone to change? A relationship to heal? A relationship that is fulfilling? Waiting for forgiveness? Waiting for love? Waiting for a realization? Waiting for acceptance? 

Instead of waiting and regretting, I see that I was living so unconsciously until about the time I turned 29 or 30. Unconscious of my words, actions, and decisions. I'm working hard on accepting the things I cannot change. I am trying greatly to come to the acceptance that those relationships might not change. They might, but maybe my girls will. I've said before that I want them to be strong women and to stand bold in their boundaries with everyone, including men. 

Today, I'm acknowledging that I need to accept a few things. I need to accept where my life is now, today. I need to accept my past and those past relationships. I need to accept that I cannot be the "fixer" of all things. I need to accept that it's ok to say "no" and not worry about hurt feelings. I need to accept that I cannot control others' emotions or actions. I need to accept life in the spot where I am right now. I need to accept that having regrets always takes someone you love out of your life. If it weren't for any part of the past, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have all that I do today. Those special people in my life would've never made it to my heart. 

I see that as I know better, I do better. I am working hard on doing better with relationships, boundaries, goals, time management, and parenting. Knowing better and doing better brings about change. I accept that today the only person I can change and the only thing I can change is myself. 

Necessary Boundaries

We all need them. We all struggle to keep them. Some of us overstep them. Boundaries. 

My week seemed to take a turn around Tuesday. Tuesdays are like that always. Mark my words. Tuesdays seem to take on a life of their own with me. I've blogged about it before in the 1st chapter. 

For some reason, this Tuesday's theme was boundaries. I had to deal with several people and several situations where people overstepped their boundaries. I'm not sure how I really dealt with this before. Probably the same as I did as a kid. I never want to make anyone upset. I have difficulty telling people that they need to "step back." I don't want to disappoint. On this particular Tuesday, I think I had to redirect at least 3 people due to a boundary issue. Wow. The amazing thing is that I handled it. I wasn't rude or disrespectful, but I called it like it was and refused to give away my power.

The past year has taught me a lot about what is ok and what is NOT ok. When you say no, it means no. When someone is making themselves part of your conversation to someone else, they need to be redirected. When a person is trying to enter your life after saying, "No, thanks," they need to set straight. When someone is trying to manipulate a situation, call them on it. 

This is something that I'm now addressing with the girls. I feel that discussing it with them at a young age might help prevent them from being "run over" in the future. Girls, especially, need to be taught that their voice matters and no one has the right to discount their opinion, thoughts, or words. To help with this idea, I'm seriously considering putting them in karate. Actually, I'm seriously thinking of taking it with them. Ironically, this month is Women's History Month. I'm so glad that during this time there are so many strong women for my girls to look up to and, thankfully, some of them are in our lives now. 

Boundaries. We all need to be more conscious of them. Wednesday was a new day and as I sat down at my desk at the administration building, I noticed my co-workers desk. Coincidence? There hasn't been one in my life yet. Sitting neatly on her desk was a copy of Boundaries.