A 9-year-old list....resolutions? Nah......

While most people were busy starting their new year with a long list ( or a short one for that matter) of resolutions, my nine year old was making a list of what she wants in a boy. 


I've mentioned on this blog before exactly how important I think it is for the parents of girls to start early and instill in them what to look for in a boy/man as they grow into strong, independent women. I call a list like this non-negotiable items when it comes to relationships. And while her list make grow and change with her, Lord knows I wish someone would've sat me down and had me think through a list like this, even at 18. 
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Here's her list that I, by the way, did not help her with......all items she came up with herself most probably based on her experience with me and her dad compared to Jason and I. Kids are perceptive, I say, more than you could ever imagine. 


1. funny
2. will stick up for me
3. a great personality
4. will love and respect me like Jason & mama
5. not clingy
6. have his own friends
7. be able to laugh all the time
8. has a good memory (like for birthdays and stuff)
9. lets me be independent and not force me to do "his stuff"
10. not agree with me all the time
11. not secretive
12. be his own person but still a good dad/husband/boyfriend
13. don't disregard others
14. has to be honest and truthful
15. good with money and saving
16. has to protect me
17. should not be embarrassed by his love for me
18. had to be trustable
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I'm willing to bet that there are some people out there MY AGE who have many of these things on their NNL, too. :) 

Power Struggles

2 girls

1 mom

45 days (note - should be more, but who's counting?)

One of the perks of being a teacher or in the education profession is that I get the same days and holidays off as the girls.

When I first decided to become a teacher I was more focused on changing the world, paying forward what some great teachers did for me, and pursuing a never-ending learning environment. As the first year turned into seven, I decided I wanted to step out of teaching in a typical classroom and do something different.

Now that I have been in my particular job for a year, I begin appreciating different aspects of teachers, students, and education. One of those things is how much I love that I'm usually able to leave work at work. This was not something I did while teaching 150 students each day. I don't bring home people's technology problems with me. Some think I should - but, um, no.

This last year my schedule was flexible enough to be with Maddie on important days at her school. I was able to watch the music program that typical parents weren't allowed into; I was able to see her answer math questions and take spelling tests. She was also able to see me in my work environment, being all professional. I was able to take Avery to preschool and pick her up. I was there for her first day and was able to be there within minutes if she was sick. She definitely needed that little bit of extra time with me each week. I've been so thankful to get to spend these special moments with the girls. It was definitely a God-send job. His timing was perfect.

Then school was out.

YYYYYYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEE!

We ALL needed the break. My 2 1/2 months of summer vacation is one of my favorite things about teaching. Let me break it to you non-educators, though, that find yourselves saying "must be nice to be off that long" - WE AREN'T. This is a little known secret of teachers. Nevertheless, we all do our best to take time off and enjoy the time we get to ourselves to just be us - not Mrs. So-and-So.

The girls and I slept late most days, workout some days, cooked lots of days and enjoyed each other's company ALL days.

We all needed the bonding time and benefited so much from the time to just be and be together.

Then, we turn on the TV or see the newspaper ad: BACK TO SCHOOL

Ugh. Why?! No!

Nevertheless, it's the end of July and I've already been back to work part time 10 business days. Not to mention all the random meetings I had to throw in there before.

The Power Struggle?

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that we all wish for something to happen in the future:

I can't wait til my kids go to bed w/out getting up a zillion times

I can't wait til my kids are able to cook for themselves

I can't wait til my kids do _____, ______ or ______

A quote that my friend, Andrea, posted on twitter recently has been imprinted on my mind for the past few weeks:

"Sometimes we wait and wait for God to move.

Then when He does, we protest that He's moving too fast." -Beth Moore

I have to stop myself and remember that things WILL move too fast. Life is short. I need to be living in the present and be happy with where we are when we're there.

Even if "there" is our small period of separation anxiety. We all get it. We miss each other like crazy when I have to be gone. They cling a little longer, kiss a little more, and are content just sitting next to me when I get home.

They never see me cry over this. But even as Maddie goes into 3rd grade, I cry. I miss them as much or more than they even know. I rethink this whole "work" thing and always try to come up with that million dollar idea that will land me time at home or the ability to travel with them. As you see, I'm still working on that.

So, for the next few weeks I will struggle with getting up, going to work, leaving the girls, and learning my own lessons. They will struggle to let go a little and learn to fly a little more.

Blech

Blech. 

Blech. 

Blech. 

I haven't blogged lately because this is how I feel. I'll say it again. Blech.

Today was blech. I feel down. Not really depressed but emotional. Sad. Angry. Annoyed. I can't say why, but it wasn't the best day in history, right? 

I wasn't a HUGE fan of Farrah or Michael. And Ed never showed up at my door knocking with a million dollar prize. But just as I am human, anytime a human life is mourned I get sad along with everyone else. 

All of a sudden I want to sit and listen to Michael Jackson songs. It would be a first. I don't think I even own one song. 

The one thing that has really been bothering me lately is the fact that I'm sick. Not like the flu or a cold. Honestly, I don't really know what I have, which is part of the frustrating part. If you don't know what it is, you don't really know how to help the problem. I do my best to exercise and eat whole organic foods, but I really have no idea if it's helping at all. 

Many people, especially those I grew up with probably had no idea, but at age 11 I was diagnosed with something called Crohn's disease. After reseach, drs don't know what causes it and only know how to control it. It will never just go away. Severe cases required medication. I never really had difficulty with it and other than a few "episodes" during stressful times in my teen years, no one would've known I had it. My right side usually hurts much like apendicitis, but it's not. The pain is usually so bad that I cannot walk. But it usually doesn't last more than a few hours and I've never had to take regular medication for the symptoms. 

I do have to stay away from the following: broccoli, roughage (lettuce), fried foods, caffeine, refined sugars, cheese, milk.............

See? even some of the good stuff isn't good for me. BLECH. 

It obviously had no effect on having kids. I went through 2 pregnancies and had no flare ups. I've had to go through the tests though. Twice so far. Usually once every 10 years. You know, the test where you have to drink that chalky drink? BLECH. They never really found any sign of distress during those tests. 

However, in the past 6 weeks I've had 2 of the most difficult flare ups that I've ever experienced in my life. What concerns me the most is: 1. No one really knows what is causing it. 2. The pain is much different and  much worse  than ever before. 

So. Monday I will call my new best friend, Dr. Eidem and schedule another round of tests. I'm less than thrilled to say the least, but for peace of mind I must know if the Chron's is getting worse, if it might not be the Crohn's, or if I just have too many stressful people in my life. 

There were some perks to the day, though, and as I always say an attitude of gratitude is the only way to live: 

* I spent time with my favorite girls, even with a pointless meeting thrown in the day.

* Maddie, Avery and I got colored hair today. Pink AND Purple. We had to get blonde hair 1st.

*I am abundantly blessed with a loving, hard working husband. 

* I finished off the day with my new favorite drink: Cranberry Pomegranate. YUM. 

* Tomorrow I have the day off. I have the next day off, too. And the next 5 weeks, as well. 

"I thank God for my handicaps, because through them I have found myself, my work, and my God." ~ Helen Keller

The best things I ever did......

I'm back blogging. Again. 

It's been almost an unbelievable month since I've blogged. Like the past few years of my life, this past month was a bit stressful. I really cannot pinpoint why, but it definitely affected my health. I've never been so sick as I was this past month. I *do* believe: stress kills. It caught up with me and wouldn't let go. I'm so glad to be blogging again, though. It's a sign I'm gaining against the stress. Writing is as good for my soul as chocolate.

Not talking.

I think one of the best things I ever did was NOT talk about what was going on in my life while it was going on. It was already too much to deal with for me and my circle of trust but there was no way I could've repeated all that was happening to everyone who was just curious. I would pass on this advice to anyone I know going through a struggle and ironically, I have passed it on to two different friends in the past month. It's funny how everyone thinks they know what's going on in your life based on a facebook status or by what they hear from others. It's even funnier that people actually were offended that I didn't take the time to tell them everything. Truthfully, though, we all struggle with something on a daily basis. It doesn't mean we always have to talk about it, right? Hence, the reason I haven't really been blogging. 

Getting married.

This sort of goes along with "not talking." I stopped living my life for everyone else. After all, they only knew pieces of my life. I stopped thinking of what others thought. I decided that not talking really helped give me permission to feel what I felt and begin living my life. It allowed me time to grieve, time to love my girls, time to find a "new normal." I'm running my race. It will never be like anyone else's. It will require things that aren't required of others. So, when Jason came into my life I had pretty much thought that I would go the rest of the race alone. I was ok with that, too. But then, he became "the list." The list I should've made at 17. The list I tell my girls about now. The list empowers you and allows you to really know yourself. Besides the list, I let the girls lead. I made no decision without knowing how they felt about it first. I didn't go forward with anything unless I knew that they were safe, secure, and solid in the next steps. So, just as everyone was really finding out about the divorce, we were already past that stage and feeling out just how Jason would fit into our family. Now, here we are. And it cracks me up when people are so surprised. For us, we are settled and ready to see what the future holds! In a small town, many of you know what a feat that is - going a whole year w/out anyone really knowing or being able to give their opinions. It just kills some people. ;) 

Reading.

Since Friday I have finished the third of the Twilight series, Fireproof, and am now 1/2 way done with Breaking Dawn. One of my other favorite reads is a blog written by my friend, T. I love her blogs b/c they are real, raw, and truthful. They aren't always happy face blogs, but she always inspires me. They ALWAYS trigger strong emotion after I finish them. She, like all of us, is on a quest to better know her life, her relationships, and herself. I don't get to comment every time, but tonight I want to tribute her and her writing. She's not afraid to say what she thinks or feels. Check her out! 

Vacating.

No kidding. The minute I left town and went into the cool mountains of NM, my stomach pain stopped. I slept more than I have in a year. I laughed and loved and listened. The silence. Being on top of a mountain and stopping in your tracks is fabulous. You are there. God is there. I know he speaks in the silence. If only we could find more time to find the silence. I know we would all be much wiser and calmer. So, I'm back home and ready for relaxation, no sense of time and for the silence to envelope around me. 

Girls. 

They've always been the best things I've ever done. They are my breath, my life, and my sunshine. I learn more about myself just by watching and listening to them. Maddie is 1/2 of me and Avery the other 1/2. I see my flaws in them, my talents, and more than anything God's grace in each of them. I'm so blessed to be their mama! 

So, this summer we all will be doing something that we love. 

Maddie will be taking art camp. Art heals her and allows her to speak through drawing. I love that she's tuned into this at such a young age. 

Avery will start ballet. If you only knew how often she spins around to music......She thrilled about doing something that is all her own. 

And I'm tossing around an idea of my own. I've never taken any kind of dance class, but I'm seriously thinking of signing up for one. 

Life is too short to have regrets. 

Life is too short to wonder what if. 

Life is too short to not try the things you've always wanted to do. 

Go. Do them. I'm giving you permission. It will be the best thing you ever did....

I'm trying. Really.

I hate this week. I'm saying it. Disagree if you must, but every single day this week it  "plan b" has popped up. I don't just mean in my life, but in those around me, also. 

Today, I sat in my 6th funeral in 8 years. Every single one was for a student who died suddenly by either a health condition or a car accident. I live for my students just as they were my own children. They touch my life just like my own girls. I mourn for them just as I did my own brother. 

This week, something that I was really hoping for turned out to not happen. It won't happen. That opportunity just wasn't in the cards. I'm working on accepting that. 

After getting home from the funeral, I tried to struggle through those emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I do not feel faithful today. I know what I said yesterday. I know. But my heart cannot take all the pain of those around me. 

After thinking I was better, I went onto Facebook only to find that one of my very close friends had updated her blog. Please go there. Now. Read it and join with us in prayer and positive thoughts for Karly. They need as many people as possible to support them during this difficult time. 

Here I am today. Yes, I'm asking God "Why?" I'm only human right? I can only be positive so long. Today I'm done. I'm sad. Being there gathered for  Karley (yes her name, too). Remembering all the times she sat in my class, all the times I had to force her to drink her Monster drink before she walked in my room, seeing her page with our class pictures on it, it's all hard to swallow. Watching her mom walk down to the pew, I had a flashback of my own brother's funeral. So, today, I'm allowing myself to ask "Why?" 

Why does plan B have to show up in our lives? I know it's all part of a bigger plan. I know, but yet my heart doesn't comply with that thought today. I know that God takes all things and makes them for good, but the pain isn't resolved today at all by that thought. I know all of this, yet, I continue to ask "why." 

God's Gifts

What a week and what gifts God brought! I did all that I'd planned on doing and more. We spent time at Six Flags and the zoo. The girls had a blast at Six Flags and I cannot wait to take them back as they get older. I don't think I've laughed that much in years.  (or spent that much money on a single corn dog.)

Maddie lost another tooth and Avy learned to write her name (sort of). I think they both went through a growth spurt. After buying Maddie shoes, I was shocked to find that she nows wears a 3. ?! When did that happen? Probably after she began eating everything in sight. :) 

My time off was healing and rejuvenating. Well, all except for those 3 hours it took to actually get into the zoo, but the time I spent on the porch reading, drinking coffee and talking with those I love the most made up for it. 

We finally started going back to church. Its always hard to readjust to life - the new normal. New friends, new churches, new routines......we all really like this church and love the positive attitudes we walk out with each week. I have decided to join the church as they do a Daniel fast for the next 21 days. No meats, breads, processed foods, fried, sugar, preservatives. Water and protein shakes. In addition, I am doing another body cleanse. Since last year, I try to do this once every 6 months. What a difference I feel each time and how clear my mind feels afterwards. I'm excited about refocusing and re-centering myself through the fast. Unlike times before, I'm pretty confident that I can do this one. I'm guessing you have to be mentally, spiritually, and physically ready. If your not, then it doesn't work. 

Another thing I've added this week is my reading of The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Some of you might remember that I read his most recent book A New Earth last year. Such a controversial book and criticized by many who haven't even read the book. However,  I love that all the things he mentions are things I knew, but didn't really put into practice. Especially now, I realize that if we are not present; if we spent too much time in our minds thinking about the past or the future, we are wasting the gift of the moment. 

With that thought, I've decided to share with you something that my biggest girl wrote yesterday after church. When I was finished, I began thanking God for such an insightful little girl. She is such an old soul, so deep and thoughtful. She grasps so many concepts that many kids her age (or mine) don't surrender to at all. 

What is a gift? God gave you one God-given talent. My God-given talent is art. Everybody has a talent. That is what's special about them. Everybody has a word for the talent that they get. My word is artistic. The other gifts are the ones you can just have fun with. Art calms me down. Maybe other talents can calm you down. Did you know that a talent can turn into a dream? Did you know that a talent can change your life if you just use it wisely? 

Necessary Boundaries

We all need them. We all struggle to keep them. Some of us overstep them. Boundaries. 

My week seemed to take a turn around Tuesday. Tuesdays are like that always. Mark my words. Tuesdays seem to take on a life of their own with me. I've blogged about it before in the 1st chapter. 

For some reason, this Tuesday's theme was boundaries. I had to deal with several people and several situations where people overstepped their boundaries. I'm not sure how I really dealt with this before. Probably the same as I did as a kid. I never want to make anyone upset. I have difficulty telling people that they need to "step back." I don't want to disappoint. On this particular Tuesday, I think I had to redirect at least 3 people due to a boundary issue. Wow. The amazing thing is that I handled it. I wasn't rude or disrespectful, but I called it like it was and refused to give away my power.

The past year has taught me a lot about what is ok and what is NOT ok. When you say no, it means no. When someone is making themselves part of your conversation to someone else, they need to be redirected. When a person is trying to enter your life after saying, "No, thanks," they need to set straight. When someone is trying to manipulate a situation, call them on it. 

This is something that I'm now addressing with the girls. I feel that discussing it with them at a young age might help prevent them from being "run over" in the future. Girls, especially, need to be taught that their voice matters and no one has the right to discount their opinion, thoughts, or words. To help with this idea, I'm seriously considering putting them in karate. Actually, I'm seriously thinking of taking it with them. Ironically, this month is Women's History Month. I'm so glad that during this time there are so many strong women for my girls to look up to and, thankfully, some of them are in our lives now. 

Boundaries. We all need to be more conscious of them. Wednesday was a new day and as I sat down at my desk at the administration building, I noticed my co-workers desk. Coincidence? There hasn't been one in my life yet. Sitting neatly on her desk was a copy of Boundaries. 

There are no words......

Truthfully, this has been the most crazy emotional year of my life. I had a year like that once. The year we lost my brother. However, much of it is hazy and I know that all I really had to take care of was my own emotions. At eleven, that was a lot. Today, though, I realize after going through the emotional ups and downs of a divorce, I can tell you that this has been much more difficult simply because I've had two young girls to think of through it all. Their emotions can be all over the place and in combination with mine it can be tough to handle. It takes a lot of conscious living to make sure we all take in a deep breath and then remember to breathe out. There really are no words to truly describe it all and unless you've been there you really have no idea. 

There have been a handful of people that we've kept close to our hearts and to our sides that have helped tremendously through it all. As always, they know who they are and they know how much we love and appreciate them. For them, I will never have the words to thank them enough. Their love enveloped us like a great big giant hug. 

So, after a crazy year and finally feeling like my two feet are planted firmly on the ground, here I am. :) I've been through the trenches, dealt with the emotions, found a new hope, learned so much, and am ready to carry on. 

The funny thing about being divorced is that people tend to think that they are officialy crowned matchmakers. I'm definitely not one to go out and find dates, but PLEASE. :) It cracks me up. Friends and coworkers have tried to set me up with their sons, their friends, fellow single teachers and each time I just laugh. It seems that the matchmaking process is much more fun for others than it is the actual single person. I never have the words to tell these "kind" people that I'm really ok without their "help." 

Another odd thing about it all is getting used to the realities of you and your ex-spouse dating others. I definitely don't mind that the ex is dating. The girls didn't seem to mind it either. But now that a 2nd and 3rd girl have entered in the equation, they seem much more uninterested. We all actually really liked the first girl. Weird, right? No words again..........

The bottom line is for the first time in 32 years I feel that I know myself better than I ever have. I know I still have a lot to learn, but knowing what I want, need and deserve is a great compass for the future. Last week, I found an old journal from several years ago. In it I had listed about 15 qualities that I knew were priority to me in a relationship. This was so empowering to find and read. Writing helps me to think things through. When I think things through I find what is important to me and what I need out of life/friends/spouse/relationships.

This leads me to, finally, share with you one last thing that I cannot find the words for.....

To some it will seem too soon, for others it will seem it is a God-send, and some will never voice their opinion because they feel left out of the loop. I believe some parts of our lives are meant to be dealt with in private and once we've come through it all, we are really ready to share it in a different light.

We will call him J. J and I met through a mutual friend. It seemed that we were both closing the doors on something that was extremely important in our lives - me, one thing, him, another. We instantaneously became friends. There was a connection there that I will never be able to explain.  Only those that have experienced that kind of connection will be able to understand what I mean. Was it because we both had similar childhoods? Was it because we both could understand the disappointments that each other felt with friends, family, and people in our lives? Was it because we'd both been through similar experiences in relationships? Was it because we both had the same goals, beliefs, and motivations? For me, that connection has only happened with one or two people in my whole life. The connections cannot be explained, for there are no words. Words are limiting.

J does not live close and so for the first time in my life I was forced by circumstance to really get to know him. You know, talking and communicating....about everything. Jobs, friends, dreams, goals, family, marriage, children, challenges, hopes.....however, at first, I was very closed off from talking about what I was actually going through. I was closing off from most everyone, hence the no blogging era (July - now).

As our friendship grew, so did our respect and admiration for the other. See, I could sit with you one-on-one and tell you why my marriage failed - on both parts. I could also sit with you and tell you what has to be in a relationship in order for it to continue like it should. 

As time went on, J learned more and more about my situation. More about the girls. And the people in my small circle of trust began knowing more about J. The thing about him is that everyone in that circle loved him before even meeting him. And once they met him, well, the rest as they say is history. 

The girls have met him and love him. The ex has met him and believes that he genuinely loves the girls and I. The parents have met him and adore him. The best friends have given the thumbs up, as well. Finally, I understand the importance of the opinions of those closest to me. They know me better than I know myself sometimes and to know what they truly think is a great comfort.

I really wasn't looking for someone to take on such baggage. Actually, I didn't think there was anyone out there that could. J is different. I won't impend on our privacy, but I know he wouldn't mind me sharing what I have here.  

He is such a blessing in my life. He brings out the Tisha that was gone for so long. He makes all things easier to take on. He looks at me in a way that no one has ever looked at me before. He knows instinctively when I'm sad, anxious, or being mischievous. He is wonderful with the girls. He tunes into Maddie's emotional, artsy side and can turn around and be crazy with Avery. The girls have noticed that he makes me laugh all the time. They even pointed out that I am more fun now that J is around. (wow, I was that boring and stressed before?) We have the most fun no matter what we're doing ( moving, playing softball, grocery shopping, or playing hide and seek with the girls). 

I firmly believe that God brings people into our lives when we need them the most. He's done it once again, and once again, there are no words.........