Knowing better, doing better

I could tell you that the exchanges between me and the ex were always pleasant, but you wouldn't believe me. I will speak candidly about this today. 

Truthfully, they are usually painful each and every time. I am hopeful and faithful that this will change. Friends have told me that I'm hoping in vain and that most likely nothing will change. Like always, though, one of my weaknesses is always seeing the good in everyone. At times this doesn't work in my favor. 

It's very hard watching your children go through a relationship that seems to mimic your past relationship with their father. Without going into much detail in order to protect everyone involved, I will only say that the dynamic of the relationships are complete opposite and yet so familiarly the same as the one with me. Before, I could sort of shield everyone including myself from the pain that was. Before, I could coach everyone on what to say and how to say it. Now, though, I have to be in the background as a support: watching and waiting. Waiting for what exactly?

Aren't we all waiting for something? Something to change? Someone to change? A relationship to heal? A relationship that is fulfilling? Waiting for forgiveness? Waiting for love? Waiting for a realization? Waiting for acceptance? 

Instead of waiting and regretting, I see that I was living so unconsciously until about the time I turned 29 or 30. Unconscious of my words, actions, and decisions. I'm working hard on accepting the things I cannot change. I am trying greatly to come to the acceptance that those relationships might not change. They might, but maybe my girls will. I've said before that I want them to be strong women and to stand bold in their boundaries with everyone, including men. 

Today, I'm acknowledging that I need to accept a few things. I need to accept where my life is now, today. I need to accept my past and those past relationships. I need to accept that I cannot be the "fixer" of all things. I need to accept that it's ok to say "no" and not worry about hurt feelings. I need to accept that I cannot control others' emotions or actions. I need to accept life in the spot where I am right now. I need to accept that having regrets always takes someone you love out of your life. If it weren't for any part of the past, I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have all that I do today. Those special people in my life would've never made it to my heart. 

I see that as I know better, I do better. I am working hard on doing better with relationships, boundaries, goals, time management, and parenting. Knowing better and doing better brings about change. I accept that today the only person I can change and the only thing I can change is myself. 

There are no words......

Truthfully, this has been the most crazy emotional year of my life. I had a year like that once. The year we lost my brother. However, much of it is hazy and I know that all I really had to take care of was my own emotions. At eleven, that was a lot. Today, though, I realize after going through the emotional ups and downs of a divorce, I can tell you that this has been much more difficult simply because I've had two young girls to think of through it all. Their emotions can be all over the place and in combination with mine it can be tough to handle. It takes a lot of conscious living to make sure we all take in a deep breath and then remember to breathe out. There really are no words to truly describe it all and unless you've been there you really have no idea. 

There have been a handful of people that we've kept close to our hearts and to our sides that have helped tremendously through it all. As always, they know who they are and they know how much we love and appreciate them. For them, I will never have the words to thank them enough. Their love enveloped us like a great big giant hug. 

So, after a crazy year and finally feeling like my two feet are planted firmly on the ground, here I am. :) I've been through the trenches, dealt with the emotions, found a new hope, learned so much, and am ready to carry on. 

The funny thing about being divorced is that people tend to think that they are officialy crowned matchmakers. I'm definitely not one to go out and find dates, but PLEASE. :) It cracks me up. Friends and coworkers have tried to set me up with their sons, their friends, fellow single teachers and each time I just laugh. It seems that the matchmaking process is much more fun for others than it is the actual single person. I never have the words to tell these "kind" people that I'm really ok without their "help." 

Another odd thing about it all is getting used to the realities of you and your ex-spouse dating others. I definitely don't mind that the ex is dating. The girls didn't seem to mind it either. But now that a 2nd and 3rd girl have entered in the equation, they seem much more uninterested. We all actually really liked the first girl. Weird, right? No words again..........

The bottom line is for the first time in 32 years I feel that I know myself better than I ever have. I know I still have a lot to learn, but knowing what I want, need and deserve is a great compass for the future. Last week, I found an old journal from several years ago. In it I had listed about 15 qualities that I knew were priority to me in a relationship. This was so empowering to find and read. Writing helps me to think things through. When I think things through I find what is important to me and what I need out of life/friends/spouse/relationships.

This leads me to, finally, share with you one last thing that I cannot find the words for.....

To some it will seem too soon, for others it will seem it is a God-send, and some will never voice their opinion because they feel left out of the loop. I believe some parts of our lives are meant to be dealt with in private and once we've come through it all, we are really ready to share it in a different light.

We will call him J. J and I met through a mutual friend. It seemed that we were both closing the doors on something that was extremely important in our lives - me, one thing, him, another. We instantaneously became friends. There was a connection there that I will never be able to explain.  Only those that have experienced that kind of connection will be able to understand what I mean. Was it because we both had similar childhoods? Was it because we both could understand the disappointments that each other felt with friends, family, and people in our lives? Was it because we'd both been through similar experiences in relationships? Was it because we both had the same goals, beliefs, and motivations? For me, that connection has only happened with one or two people in my whole life. The connections cannot be explained, for there are no words. Words are limiting.

J does not live close and so for the first time in my life I was forced by circumstance to really get to know him. You know, talking and communicating....about everything. Jobs, friends, dreams, goals, family, marriage, children, challenges, hopes.....however, at first, I was very closed off from talking about what I was actually going through. I was closing off from most everyone, hence the no blogging era (July - now).

As our friendship grew, so did our respect and admiration for the other. See, I could sit with you one-on-one and tell you why my marriage failed - on both parts. I could also sit with you and tell you what has to be in a relationship in order for it to continue like it should. 

As time went on, J learned more and more about my situation. More about the girls. And the people in my small circle of trust began knowing more about J. The thing about him is that everyone in that circle loved him before even meeting him. And once they met him, well, the rest as they say is history. 

The girls have met him and love him. The ex has met him and believes that he genuinely loves the girls and I. The parents have met him and adore him. The best friends have given the thumbs up, as well. Finally, I understand the importance of the opinions of those closest to me. They know me better than I know myself sometimes and to know what they truly think is a great comfort.

I really wasn't looking for someone to take on such baggage. Actually, I didn't think there was anyone out there that could. J is different. I won't impend on our privacy, but I know he wouldn't mind me sharing what I have here.  

He is such a blessing in my life. He brings out the Tisha that was gone for so long. He makes all things easier to take on. He looks at me in a way that no one has ever looked at me before. He knows instinctively when I'm sad, anxious, or being mischievous. He is wonderful with the girls. He tunes into Maddie's emotional, artsy side and can turn around and be crazy with Avery. The girls have noticed that he makes me laugh all the time. They even pointed out that I am more fun now that J is around. (wow, I was that boring and stressed before?) We have the most fun no matter what we're doing ( moving, playing softball, grocery shopping, or playing hide and seek with the girls). 

I firmly believe that God brings people into our lives when we need them the most. He's done it once again, and once again, there are no words.........