Stronger

In the past month, I've been reminded of lessons that I've learned in the past. Mostly from people from my past. A few of those encounters did a number on my mind and emotion. So much so that I have not been myself. 

I've felt much like I was on a balance beam swaying back and forth and grasping at the air around me to find some sort of balance. 

That's not who I am. 

I am strong. I'm so strong that people typically don't have that power over me. 

However, the recent turn of events were more extreme than I'd expected. I hadn't prepared for it. 

There was a time in my life when I had to pull out every ounce of strength to get through to the other side. I had focus, I had strength, I had discipline, and I had the motivation. 

Looking back, I realize I was way stronger than I ever saw myself. 

The past month was difficult because I was allowing myself to be in that place of unbalance. I knew what it was and I knew what caused it. I also knew perfectly well that in order to get past it, I would have to sit with it for a time. 

Slowly, I've brought myself back. Though, I'm still not satisfied that I've disciplined myself enough to forget the hurt I felt.

Another quick encounter where I caught another glimpse of the way I used to be treated has reminded me that I need to get past that hurt. 

Getting past it allows me to move forward. 

Getting past it allows me to pursue dreams. 

Getting past it allows me to be a better wife/mom. 

Getting past it allows me to be STRONGER than ever. 

But...

but...

BUT .........

I cannot forget what it taught me for those lessons are worth more money than I could ever make. 

Forgetting that is not something I can do, because forgetting those lessons will make me also forget.....

I am stronger  than your words. 

I am stronger  than the power trip you're on. 

I  am stronger  than the small person you'd like me to feel I am. 

I am stronger and I am able to move past what you give me. 

I am stronger than I even know. 

We can all be strong enough when we have to be. 

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." 

ALERT! You ARE special, but not THAT special.

This week's lessons were full and never-ending. :) 


Someone sent this to me via email and I loved it so much I thought it needed to have it's own blog post. 


The people who NEED to read this and soak it in are often the ones who genuinely think it doesn't apply to them. 


I caught a few seconds of entertainment news this week and heard the reporter telling about Alec Baldwin being thrown off a plane because he wouldn't turn off his iPad when the stewardess asked him to. 


Do you have anyone in your life (home, work or otherwise) that should be wearing this t-shirt? 


How do you handle your encounters with them? 


I have a few people I see often that are wearing this shirt in my mind. :) Some days I can take it all with a grain of salt, other days I have to call someone to come with a cape and talk me off the ledge. Seriously.


The truth? They won't even start to change if you say nothing. You'll have to find the right words and rehearse them before you say them. 


I often think of a phrase before I even get to work and repeat it to myself all morning so that I will have the words when the moment comes. I promise this works! You just have to be disciplined enough to do it. 


This week I actually told someone in front of an audience, "Why didn't you plan ahead and ask me during one of the 8 hrs I was in my office working to help you set up?" 


Oops! I don't usually call people out like that but it seems to be an ongoing occurrence with certain people. 


I think we all  have a little "the world revolves around me" in us, don't you agree? 


It takes conscious thought and reminding every day to remember that you ARE special, but that you not special enough to not have to follow certain rules and procedures. 


Keep yourself humble this week. 


xoxo

Please Don't Say "Happy Birthday!"

Last year for my birthday I decided to do several blog giveaways! It was the best thing I've done in a long time.  I had so much fun giving! This year I'm asking YOU to give something instead. (keep reading)

Adoption is near and dear to my heart. On December 5, I was adopted at 3 days old and I reflect on the fact that even if I was unplanned in the eyes of my birth parents, I was not unplanned in the eyes of God. He had a purpose for my life before I even drew my first breath of life. 

I LOVE adoption stories and despite what others assume, I'm very open about talking about my feelings about my own situation. I also love to hear others' stories when I get the chance. 

As a teacher, I've taught many, many students over the course of the 11 years I've been in education. One student stands out, though. She was a sophomore in my computer class. The next year I didn't even realize she was gone. The year after, her senior year, she returned. I was chosen to be a sponsor for the senior trip to Six Flags. As I sat on a bench beside the Texas Giant, I noticed she sat beside me. All of a sudden she struck up a conversation. 

-You were adopted right?

Yes

-I remember when you were my teacher. The first week of school we had to do the About Me project. You told us about being adopted and about your brother dying and how life is never how you expect it to turn out.

Yes

-Well, I was curious. Do you ever feel anger toward your birth mother? 

(Without hesitation) No. I think she gave me one of the greatest gifts a person can give. In my eyes she's a hero. 

-Really? 

Yes. 

-Do you remember I was gone last year? 

Yes

-I went away to have a baby. I gave that baby up for adoption. I struggle daily with wondering if she'll grow up to hate me or be angry at me. 

In that moment, I realized that everything we go through in life, isn't just for us. It's for us to share with others and tell what we've learned. It's for us to mentor with and guide others who might go through that same situation playing a different role. It's for us to comfort and console. And that's exactly what I did. 

In a way I could say to her the exact things I'd say to my own birth mother if I had the chance and she could express her love and worry to me when she couldn't say those things yet to her baby girl. 

November is National Adoption Awareness Month (bet you didn't know that!) and after several coincidental (you know I don't believe in this) conversations about adoption with a new friend this year, I realized there weren't many charities centering around adoption. 

So, I know it's now December and you'll probably take time to actually go to my FB wall or twitter feed to say "Happy Birthday."  But this year I'm asking you not to. I'm asking you to choose one of the following charities and take that time to donate at least $1 in my name for my 35th birthday. 

1. Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption

2. Gladney Center for Adoption
3. Hope Cottage

Big love and gratitude to each of you for making my life so abundant! 

35 Favorite Things

Since I'll be 35 in a few days, I thought I'd make a list of all of my favorite things and share them with you. Some are silly some are not. 


1. Sugar Cookie Tea (Celestial Seasonings)- a little cookie in every cup. (add some brown sugar)
2. Aquaphor - dry skin, chapped lips, on the eyes, cuts - buy the big tub. Worth every $. 
3. Rescue Remedy - Every mom should have a bottle in her purse. For days when you wish it was another type of bottle. 
4. Pinterest - If I want to pretend I'm creative and a good cook. 
5. Mary Kay anti-aging moisturizer- moisturizer is key, everyday. Seriously. 
6. Essie - any color. :) Love them all. Currently wearing Mint Candy Apple on the toes. 
7. Piloxing - like 90's Tae Bo except combined with pilates and empowering. 
8. Starbucks - I had a McDonald's coffee the other day. They say it's the same. They lie. 
9. M.A.C. nude lipstick. Let's face it - M.A.C. anything. 
10. Otterbox for iPhone. I drop my phone a lot. My iphone still looks new. :) 
11. Squeezable Applesauce (GoGo Squeez) - best invention for kids. Especially ones who only eat applesauce not at the table. 
12. Beco Butterfly 2 - best. baby. item. ever. Gift it to someone! You can carry your kid until they are 70 lbs! ;) 
13. Williams-Sonoma Peppermint Bark. I've tried to recreate it. It worked, but still not as good.
14. Netflix - on the wii, tv, ipad, iphone, ipod
15. Holiday movies - Christmas Vacation is my FAV!  Halloween is never too early! 
16. Hobby Lobby - always a sale, love their decor, I can always find something I love
17. Turkey bacon - healthier, less greasy, leaves you feeling better than the real stuff. 
18. Lemon oil or any oil by Aura Cacia - I love LEMONS! Burn it, put it in the bath, rub some on your wrist, add it to your homemade scrub
19. Keyring App - never carry those grocery store reward cards again! :) 
20. Saturday Night Live - Laughing reduces stress. Stress is the silent killer. Watch SNL. 
21. My crock pot - check out Stephanie O'Dea's "Year of Slow Cooking"
22. Black forest cherry caramel apples - trust me. you want one. (no pic. pretty sure I'll have to recreate this myself)
23. Victoria Secret - No secret here. Wear what makes you feel beautiful and girly! Splurge the extra $$ on it - you're worth it! 
24. AdvoCare Spark - wanna buy some? I sell it. :) One in the AM, one in the PM - this is how I survive work, kids, etc. 
25. Blankets - Since I was little I always loved them. My favorite was given to me by a student in 2007. The tag has worn down so no idea where it came from. It soft and warm on one side and slick and cool on the other. *snuggle*
26. TOMS - Yes, the shoes you buy and someone else gets a pair. It's true. And they are SO comfy. I want to wear them everyday! 
27. Pomegranates - red, juicy, sweet, messy. What's not to love?!
28. Sally's Beauty Supply Bobby Pins - THEY REALLY HOLD! :) 
29. Chocolate Covered Cherries from Sprouts - always a weekly treat to myself
30. Criminal Minds - CBS, Wed - I know it's not light hearted but I love mysteries and the characters! 
31. Cranberry Orange Scones - a weekly treat over donuts in our house! Kids LOVE 'em! (adults do too!) Easy "fake out" for people who think you slaved in the kitchen. ;) 
32. Elf on the Shelf - by far my favorite family holiday tradition. Elf mischief is FUN! :) If you have kids, you NEED ONE! 
33. Elderberry Spray - I start it in September! The spray is much more acceptable by the kids, too!  
34.  FRXtion Sugar Exfoliator and Lip Balm - not all balms are created equal. I've very picky about mine. This is a sugar scrub and lip balm in one! The case has a tiny mirror, too! Always almost sold out when I go in for it. 


35. This quote: "We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the ONLY path. ~Paulo Coelho 

Difficulties

The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be. – Horace Bushnell


To each person that I, personally, know is hurting at this very moment - you are an inspiration to me. 


At some point in the past few weeks, you've made me smile a genuine smile and I've been consciously grateful for you and the moments we shared. 

Your strength is evident. 

The struggle you are lying down in today is the strength that will get you through to tomorrow. 

Love each of you more than you know, 

T

An Open Letter To YOU

I never really thought about blogging an "open letter" but after reading my friend, T's blog for several years I decided I really liked the concept. She's written several "open letters" here.


Her advice before I started was simple - "Be honest. Take responsibility to what you're contributing to the "relationship" and just write because it, simply, cures all."


So, before I begin I want to say that there is nothing that I've written here that has not been said in person at least once before to this particular person. 


Dear You (you know who you are), 


I've struggled for a very long time with our relationship. There seems to be a misrepresentation between your words and your actions and I've been aware of that for much longer than you know. 


When I think of you the following words come to mind: angry, bitter, hurting, judgmental, cold, controlling and facade. 


Those are definitely not the words I'd like to come to mind, though. They are quite the opposite. I wish a different group of words would flow, but they don't. Long ago I accepted this fact.  


I gave up the grandiose idea and expectation of what I thought we were or should be. I began to realize that I was just an easy target. Could it possibly be because I was one of the few to stand up to you? Was it because I wasn't one that could be controlled and manipulated with the passive-agressive behavior? Could it have been that you knew I could see right through you to the true form and not continue to believe the facade you "put on" for everyone else? 


For so long you actually had me believing that it was me who wasn't thinking or acting rational. I would wrestle with believing that I  had the problem, as you so often told me and that I was really instigating all of the conflict. And more often than not, I actually believed your apology just thinking that you weren't aware of your actions. 


You seem to have such a different perception of my reality. My reality of our time together is dark, ugly, and sad. To deny that would be to deny me. My process is not your process. 


So how have I contributed to this relationship? Well, after many years of reflection, soul searching, and accepting the past I acknowledge that for a certain time I, too, was angry, bitter, hurting, judgmental and cold. For two people to possess those qualities at the same time was a  pool of disaster on a daily basis. 


Night after night for so long, I would lie in bed and cry out and wonder what I could do to change it all. I searched and prayed for the answers. I looked to you for answers only to be thrown blame in my face. I looked to you  for some sort of guidance or map so I could navigate to a better part of our relationship but only ran into judgement and disapproval. Time and time again, I only came up empty. 


As the distance between us grew, I began to see that I could be a completely different person when you weren't around. I could be happy, grateful, hopeful, loving, and unselfish. I learned something that many already knew - "You become what you are surrounded by." I realized that many of my best relationships of the past were ruined by MY SELFISHNESS, MY ANGER, and MY HURT. Everyday I live with remorse and regret to certain people from my past and hope they know that today, I'm a better version of myself. 


I saw myself learn, grow, accept, mature, love, and see outside of myself for the very first time in my life. It was the most exhilarating experience. I couldn't get enough and slowly the tiny dreamer from long ago became the big dreamer of today. I learned one of the keys to happiness - things are not all about you. 


I've replayed moments spent together over and over in my mind and wondered how I could win your true, loving approval. But as I sit here today reflecting over our last interaction, I realize it's not me you're unhappy with, it's you. You cannot be happy with anyone unless you're first happy with yourself. 


I can say that without a doubt I know that I've at least tried daily for many years to change myself for the better in hopes of making all relationships in my life better, including ours.  Despite anything we ever went through, despite the hurts, despite the conflicts, there IS a way to leave behind the bitterness and anger. You have to choose to do that every second at first, and then every minute and then every hour, and then every day. It doesn't come easy - nothing worth having IS. But it's a choice nonetheless.


Next week I turn 35 and I can finally say with confidence that I forgive you and accept that we are what we are together or apart. Honestly, the best thing is love from a far. 


I still hope that one day if only just for one day you can experience true happiness with yourself. That's a gift that no one can give you, but YOU. 




Always grateful, 

A Journey of Thanks

For the past several years, many know I've started one of the #40daysofthankfulness movements on Facebook. There are many people who take part in something similar. It so refreshing to go on and see twitter or Facebook feeds show such positive words as opposed to the typical and sometimes constant complaining, especially during a time when we all should be thankful. 


My #40Days was born during a low point in my life. I was basically feeling like this: "If you spend less time bitching about your life, you'd possibly enjoy it more." 


I was in the middle of a divorce, trying to pull myself up emotionally and going on Facebook hoping to connect with family and friends became a pile of negativity I could not deal with anymore. So, rather than deleting anyone and everyone, I decided to throw out A LOT of GRATITUDE. 


This year the Facebook event I created (40 Days of Thankfulness Challenge) now has over 2,000 people joining in and throwing out gratitude into the world. If you're reading, not part of this movement and would like to join, go here. We typically start the first week of October and end right before Thanksgiving, but there are no rules (except to be thankful and not negate your thanks in the same sentence).  You can start whenever.


Last year, a friend challenged me to an entire year of gratitude. At first I thought there was no way I could pull a daily "thanks" out every single day. But then I realized - I could do it. Then I was determined I would do it.


Today I'm on Gratitude Day 373. :) I made the 365 days, let it collide with my 40 Days of Thankfulness Challenge and am going on to 1,000 gratitudes. 


Something I've found on my journey of thanks is that many people misinterpret my attitude of gratitude into many different things: 

• Her life is perfect.
• She never has a bad day.
• How can she always be so cheery? 
• She thinks she better than all of us who are struggling. 

Um. No. Maybe you don't know my story. If not, wait for the book. I can promise you my life has never been perfect - ever. I do have bad days. There are emotions I'm still dealing with 24 years after the devastation of losing a brother. How can I be cheery? Because I know the other side of the coin - death, divorce, addiction, bitterness.  Better than you?  No. Never. I acknowledge that we ALL struggle, all have a story, all are dealing with pain, and are all trying to find that place of peace daily. 

This wonderful status from my friend and "gratitude ambassador," T, pretty much sums up my feeling about those misinterpretations: Many people assume a positive attitude means lack of struggle or hardship, when in fact, a positive attitude is what pulls us through the difficult times. That person smiling at you has just as much of a battle as you do, they just choose to look at it differently.

Will you choose gratitude when things are not going your way and you seem to be at the bottom of that valley? 

Will you acknowledge all that you have instead of all that you don't? 

Will you choose to look at it all differently, no matter what is going on in your life? 

I hope so.