Silence

Quick Blog Post. 

Since my last blog, I've noticed that things have been "silent." I haven't had any huge epiphanies. I haven't written in my book. I haven't had any miracle moments. 


I've struggled with my marathon training. I've struggled with being inspired.


But, suddenly, in that silence I found what I was looking for today. I also found tears and a complete chapter in my book. 


All I want you to know is this: 


God is working in the silence. 


If you don't believe me, read the book of Job. Note Chapter 1-37 and then Chapter 38. 


He is there. He is working in your life. He is giving you answers. Are you listening in the midst of that silence? 

I Love You, Lord

Many years ago, at a very young age, when life was dark, sad, empty and confusing I would sit and listen to music over and over. One of those songs was called "I Love You, Lord" with very simple, yet powerful lyrics: 

I love you, Lord 
And I lift my voice 
To worship You 
Oh, my soul rejoice! 
Take joy my King 
In what You hear 
Let it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear

I would literally cry out these words while listening and hoped that someday my words, my actions, and my thoughts would be a "sweet sound" to Him. 

---------------

Fast forward to Sunday. 

Jason was on-call, so while he was out doing rounds, I was home watching and listening to Elevate Life Church knowing that ,as always, it would speak to me. 

What I didn't expect was for the melody of "I Love You, Lord" to begin playing before the actual sermon. All I could do was sit there, listen, sing and pray. 

A few hours later I was at the track running my long run. If you haven't read about my marathon training(click here), you should catch up (start around Dec 4th). It's not about losing weight. It's about discipline of self and spirit. 

See, I know/knew that I could never get to a place mentally or spiritually to finish my book unless I started giving up some things. The book. You know, the one that has been in progress for years? 

So, I knew immediately when my friend, Becca, texted me and asked me to do the marathon that I had to say yes. I knew it was a door of opportunity to get me from point A to point B. (or C, or D) :) I knew that her text was really sent by God. My story, HIS story needs to be told. 

What I didn't know was how powerful that discipline and time with God would be already. 

On that long Sunday run, God and I had a long discussion. I admitted to him a lot. I cannot do life without him. I cannot do this book without HIS words. I cannot and have not done anything in life without him - ever. 

I prayed the same prayer I've prayed for years: 

Speak through me. Love through me. Give through me. Teach through me. Be in my thoughts, words, and actions. Use me in whatever way YOU need. I surrender. 

Something different happened that day, though. I can't say what exactly. 

-------------------

Monday

Not once, not twice, but THREE times I had THREE different people stop in my office. 

All THREE conversations had a theme, the same theme - "Do not worry. He is in EVERYTHING. He cares."

What's great about all three of those conversations isn't the coincidence of the number 3 (Father, Son, Holy Spirit), but more so the theme of each conversation and what I got out of each one.  

My book is about my brother's death, my family's struggle through that, my lesson that gratitude through anything can take you higher. I thought all of those were my themes. 

However, I'm pretty sure that another big theme is this: "God was there the moment I saw my brother for the last time. God was there the moment I knew I needed to grab him back inside. God was there when he fell. God was there when we cried. God was there. God was there. God was there." 

---------------

Tuesday

We woke up later than ever. It was a typical morning, though. Breakfast, hair, clothes, more hair, and then out the door. 

I had a busy day at work. There wasn't much time to think or reflect. I had one great conversation that stood out. 

It was rainy and cold. I had a run planned. I left at 5:45. My foot was slightly injured, but I went anyway. 

Press on! I told myself

30 minutes later I knew I needed to stop and rest my foot or I wouldn't be able to walk. 

As I walked myself off the track, I cried and cried. My run tonight was frustrating. I felt defeated. I had dinner, I showered, and was in bed by 8:30. 

--------------TEXT MESSAGE-----------

Me: Sorry I missed your call. Went running. Now in bed. 

Shelsea: Ur birthday present place (click here for that blog post) called me today. I guess I was the only one that put a phone # on my donation. They wanted to talk to you. 

Me: Really?! Did they say why? 

Shelsea: I didn't want to give them your number so I gave them your address and your blog. 

Me: Wow

Shelsea: They were so grateful. They wanted to interview you and present you with something. 

Me: No way! 

Shelsea: They asked me who you were and why I made the donation in your name. 

Me: That's AWESOME! 

Shelsea: I told them to check the dates Dec 4-6 and see if there was an increase in donations those days and she confirmed that there were....

Me: I'm in TEARS! Wow! 

Shelsea: I was in tears. She asked how I knew you and why you chose this as your bday gift. I told her (didn't think you'd mind)

Me: Thank you so much for sharing this! 

Shelsea: No thank you! It was the best call & birthday gift I've ever given - to know that I have helped someone else. 

----------------

Thank YOU

Thank you to every single one of you that donated to a charity (specifically Hope Cottage) in my name for my 35th birthday. You have made a difference in a life. You have given of yourself. You have changed the world and that, my friends, is what we are CALLED to do. 

A Father's Love

No. It's not Father's Day. Not even close, actually. However, this topic came up over the past week in my life. 

Without going into much detail in order to protect those involved, I will only say that dad's seem to have a very important role in our lives whether we were adopted, taken care of my a grandparent, have two dads, none, or had someone step up to the role when no one else would. 

I've often said in this blog - "God will put in your life the things you need at the exact right time." I absolutely without a doubt believe that includes people. 

More often than not, I can look back on my own life and see where God planted people in my life to give me what I was not getting from those who were directly responsible. 

I think this is a fascinating thought. 

God will give us what we need, when we need, and who we need.

Now, I know there are people out who would beg to differ or debate with me and that's ok, too. 

Always drawing from my own experience, I have seen this thought in action. 

Being adopted, God immediately stepped in and gave me what I needed - who I needed. 

And then there was a time in my life as I grew older that I would need someone to mentor me, someone to teach me normal behaviors, real unconditional, non-judgemental love. 

Here are some more examples of ways that God worked in the lives of some of my close friends: 

"From the time i was born until i was 17 my grandpa was my dad. I have never known what it's like to have an actual dad so i've never been sad or mad about it, it's just the way my life has always been. But my Grandpa was the most incredible man I have ever known. It didn't matter how bad I screwed up he was always on my side. I could talk to him about anything and he would give the best advice he could. He taught me about sports, made sure I had a basketball, football, soccer ball, etc." ~Tami

"My step-dad is the best man in the world. I never refer to him as that (step-dad), but I don't call him dad in conversation, either. I call him by his name, David. I have a wonderful father that I call "dad," but that doesn't mean that I don't absolutely adore David. He has loved and supported me over 20 years and I'm by far the luckiest girl in the world to have him in my life." ~Melissa

"My dad showed me that a true father always puts his child first no matter how old they get. He showed me that there is no other love like the love of a father. The bond between a daddy and his little girl is the strongest bond ever! A bond that no one or nothing can break or come between. He was and always will be my hero!" ~Stormy

"I had a step dad who I loved dearly and thought of him as my dad. But he and my mom were only married a month to the day when he died in a car accident. It has forever affected me, in the short time I knew him, he just meant the world to me and I was devasted when he died. I was just 8 years old. Even though my dad was in my life and saw him several times a year, there's lots of issues with him. I can't change it, he's still my dad and I still talk to him and love him. But my stepdad was much more of an actual father than my real dad was, even though it was just a short time." ~Ashli

I love the different perspectives from the stories above because it reflects all the different ways a "dad" can affect our lives. Some dad's are also grandpas, some are step-dads, and often times some are just a close family friend. 

They don't have to be our real dad to make a difference. 

We can call them whatever we we feel, but the truth is their role in our lives will set the tone for us for the rest of our lives. 

Expect Great Things, Attempt Great Things

Has someone ever told you that you couldn't? 

Have you ever told yourself "I can't?" 

Have you ever done something you never thought you could? 

I can give you one example for every year of my life of something that either someone told me I couldn't do or something I told myself I couldn't do. 

For several years, I've set goals in front of me that I've never done before. For the most part, I've met them all. Some are still in progress, but I'm ok with that. Aren't we all still in progress? 

This past holiday break, I began listening to Candace Cameron Bure's Reshaping It All. Yes, you read that right - Candance Cameron aka DJ Tanner. 

Like many influential verses, books, and movies, her book continued to pop up around me (twitter, internet, mom's boards, magazines). 

I take these "pop ups" to mean more than coincidence. (check out SQuire Rushnell's Godwinks series). 

So, with a giftcard from a special friend, I downloaded the audio version of Reshaping It All. 

On Friday, December 16th, I began listening to what would start changing my thinking and start reshaping my spirit all over again. 

Lord knows, I needed it after the prior 6 weeks. 

As I began listening, I began working out while listening. Her voice is just as motivating as her words. Everything she was saying was making sense. 

From chapter 1-19 something incredible happened to me. I began to look back over my life and see the exact points where I was spiritually sound and balanced and where I wasn't. When I wasn't, I seemed to always be in a struggle with my weight. 

She gave childhood scenarios and they seemed to almost mimic my own. 

As a I did jumping jacks, push ups, and ran, several "truths" began to unfold before me. 

1. If someone wasn't putting me down on a daily basis, I'd do that myself. 

2. Food was always used as a comfort when I didn't know what to do with emotions. 

3. Excuses for bad eating were ok because that is what I was taught. 

4. Saying no to desserts or food was "rude." 

5. Working out after a baby had no point. Nothing was happening anyway. 

I began to look at these "truths" in a new light. I listened earnestly to what Candace was saying and really began to see what I'd been doing to myself. 

So, I began training. I worked out at least once a day. I kept track of my food, snacks, and activity with a simple phone app. 

If you know me, you know I'm conscious in being in the moment & in being grateful, but I realized that I was not being conscious of what I was eating, how I was caring for my body or how my spirit was creating a plateau I'd never break. 

So for 2 weeks I trained, ate clean, became conscious of how to be disciplined in my spirit, mind, and body. I knew that in order to live out goals I've had for years, I would have to train all 3 parts of my being or I could never see those goals to the finish line. 

I had no idea what I was training for specifically, but I continued. I felt better already. 

Then, after 2 weeks, I got a text from a friend. "Hey, there's a marathon in Dallas in March. We should do it!" 

Uh. No. YOU should do it. I'll cheer. 

Something led me to this website and I began to read. 

Well, it looks fun. But there's no way. 1/2? 13 miles? I couldn't run 13 miles even at my peak fitness. I can't. 

As I continued to ponder on the thought above, I realized that I was telling myself "You can't." 

WHAT?!?!

I'm the person that will not let anyone - ANYONE- tell me I can't. My life story has a theme and this was it - I CAN. 

So, I texted her back. "YES! I will!" 

OMG. What did you just do? You will?! How?! What are you thinking? You can't even run 5 miles w/out stopping. Well, you can't back out now. You spoke it and so it will be. *knock*knock* You ARE crazy, huh? 

I immediately downloaded an app to help me and came up with a plan for training, eating and support. 

This isn't about losing weight or being skinny. This is about dedication, discipline, and faith. 

Why did I say yes? I decided that I have the power to do this - WE have the power to do this.

I'm doing this for YOU. 

I'm doing it for all of those who physically can't. 

I'm doing it for those who tell themselves they can't and settle. 

I'm doing it for my kids, my husband, my friends, myself and my God. 

I'm here to love. 

I'm here to serve. 

I'm here to inspire. 

I'm here to live out and tell my truth. 

Tisha (me) will do a 1/2 marathon in March. Tisha will FINISH a 1/2 marathon in March. 

Tisha can DO whatever she sets her mind to do-Always in all ways. The biggest step is the first step. 

"A man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." ~ Psalm 37:23

Rise in 2012

As you move into 2012 and set your sights on new goals and dreams, remember the following: 


Anything is possible with enough enthusiasm and positivity. ~The Single Woman


1. The greatest people in history failed time and again, but their determination is what pushed them to success. 


2. Believe in yourself, commit to working hard, don't allow for any excuses or blame. 


3. Decide to turn all negatives into positives. ALL negatives -->POSITIVES. 


4. Only you can save your own life. Don't take your eyes off of your goal. 

Stronger

In the past month, I've been reminded of lessons that I've learned in the past. Mostly from people from my past. A few of those encounters did a number on my mind and emotion. So much so that I have not been myself. 

I've felt much like I was on a balance beam swaying back and forth and grasping at the air around me to find some sort of balance. 

That's not who I am. 

I am strong. I'm so strong that people typically don't have that power over me. 

However, the recent turn of events were more extreme than I'd expected. I hadn't prepared for it. 

There was a time in my life when I had to pull out every ounce of strength to get through to the other side. I had focus, I had strength, I had discipline, and I had the motivation. 

Looking back, I realize I was way stronger than I ever saw myself. 

The past month was difficult because I was allowing myself to be in that place of unbalance. I knew what it was and I knew what caused it. I also knew perfectly well that in order to get past it, I would have to sit with it for a time. 

Slowly, I've brought myself back. Though, I'm still not satisfied that I've disciplined myself enough to forget the hurt I felt.

Another quick encounter where I caught another glimpse of the way I used to be treated has reminded me that I need to get past that hurt. 

Getting past it allows me to move forward. 

Getting past it allows me to pursue dreams. 

Getting past it allows me to be a better wife/mom. 

Getting past it allows me to be STRONGER than ever. 

But...

but...

BUT .........

I cannot forget what it taught me for those lessons are worth more money than I could ever make. 

Forgetting that is not something I can do, because forgetting those lessons will make me also forget.....

I am stronger  than your words. 

I am stronger  than the power trip you're on. 

I  am stronger  than the small person you'd like me to feel I am. 

I am stronger and I am able to move past what you give me. 

I am stronger than I even know. 

We can all be strong enough when we have to be. 

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." 

ALERT! You ARE special, but not THAT special.

This week's lessons were full and never-ending. :) 


Someone sent this to me via email and I loved it so much I thought it needed to have it's own blog post. 


The people who NEED to read this and soak it in are often the ones who genuinely think it doesn't apply to them. 


I caught a few seconds of entertainment news this week and heard the reporter telling about Alec Baldwin being thrown off a plane because he wouldn't turn off his iPad when the stewardess asked him to. 


Do you have anyone in your life (home, work or otherwise) that should be wearing this t-shirt? 


How do you handle your encounters with them? 


I have a few people I see often that are wearing this shirt in my mind. :) Some days I can take it all with a grain of salt, other days I have to call someone to come with a cape and talk me off the ledge. Seriously.


The truth? They won't even start to change if you say nothing. You'll have to find the right words and rehearse them before you say them. 


I often think of a phrase before I even get to work and repeat it to myself all morning so that I will have the words when the moment comes. I promise this works! You just have to be disciplined enough to do it. 


This week I actually told someone in front of an audience, "Why didn't you plan ahead and ask me during one of the 8 hrs I was in my office working to help you set up?" 


Oops! I don't usually call people out like that but it seems to be an ongoing occurrence with certain people. 


I think we all  have a little "the world revolves around me" in us, don't you agree? 


It takes conscious thought and reminding every day to remember that you ARE special, but that you not special enough to not have to follow certain rules and procedures. 


Keep yourself humble this week. 


xoxo

Please Don't Say "Happy Birthday!"

Last year for my birthday I decided to do several blog giveaways! It was the best thing I've done in a long time.  I had so much fun giving! This year I'm asking YOU to give something instead. (keep reading)

Adoption is near and dear to my heart. On December 5, I was adopted at 3 days old and I reflect on the fact that even if I was unplanned in the eyes of my birth parents, I was not unplanned in the eyes of God. He had a purpose for my life before I even drew my first breath of life. 

I LOVE adoption stories and despite what others assume, I'm very open about talking about my feelings about my own situation. I also love to hear others' stories when I get the chance. 

As a teacher, I've taught many, many students over the course of the 11 years I've been in education. One student stands out, though. She was a sophomore in my computer class. The next year I didn't even realize she was gone. The year after, her senior year, she returned. I was chosen to be a sponsor for the senior trip to Six Flags. As I sat on a bench beside the Texas Giant, I noticed she sat beside me. All of a sudden she struck up a conversation. 

-You were adopted right?

Yes

-I remember when you were my teacher. The first week of school we had to do the About Me project. You told us about being adopted and about your brother dying and how life is never how you expect it to turn out.

Yes

-Well, I was curious. Do you ever feel anger toward your birth mother? 

(Without hesitation) No. I think she gave me one of the greatest gifts a person can give. In my eyes she's a hero. 

-Really? 

Yes. 

-Do you remember I was gone last year? 

Yes

-I went away to have a baby. I gave that baby up for adoption. I struggle daily with wondering if she'll grow up to hate me or be angry at me. 

In that moment, I realized that everything we go through in life, isn't just for us. It's for us to share with others and tell what we've learned. It's for us to mentor with and guide others who might go through that same situation playing a different role. It's for us to comfort and console. And that's exactly what I did. 

In a way I could say to her the exact things I'd say to my own birth mother if I had the chance and she could express her love and worry to me when she couldn't say those things yet to her baby girl. 

November is National Adoption Awareness Month (bet you didn't know that!) and after several coincidental (you know I don't believe in this) conversations about adoption with a new friend this year, I realized there weren't many charities centering around adoption. 

So, I know it's now December and you'll probably take time to actually go to my FB wall or twitter feed to say "Happy Birthday."  But this year I'm asking you not to. I'm asking you to choose one of the following charities and take that time to donate at least $1 in my name for my 35th birthday. 

1. Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption

2. Gladney Center for Adoption
3. Hope Cottage

Big love and gratitude to each of you for making my life so abundant! 

35 Favorite Things

Since I'll be 35 in a few days, I thought I'd make a list of all of my favorite things and share them with you. Some are silly some are not. 


1. Sugar Cookie Tea (Celestial Seasonings)- a little cookie in every cup. (add some brown sugar)
2. Aquaphor - dry skin, chapped lips, on the eyes, cuts - buy the big tub. Worth every $. 
3. Rescue Remedy - Every mom should have a bottle in her purse. For days when you wish it was another type of bottle. 
4. Pinterest - If I want to pretend I'm creative and a good cook. 
5. Mary Kay anti-aging moisturizer- moisturizer is key, everyday. Seriously. 
6. Essie - any color. :) Love them all. Currently wearing Mint Candy Apple on the toes. 
7. Piloxing - like 90's Tae Bo except combined with pilates and empowering. 
8. Starbucks - I had a McDonald's coffee the other day. They say it's the same. They lie. 
9. M.A.C. nude lipstick. Let's face it - M.A.C. anything. 
10. Otterbox for iPhone. I drop my phone a lot. My iphone still looks new. :) 
11. Squeezable Applesauce (GoGo Squeez) - best invention for kids. Especially ones who only eat applesauce not at the table. 
12. Beco Butterfly 2 - best. baby. item. ever. Gift it to someone! You can carry your kid until they are 70 lbs! ;) 
13. Williams-Sonoma Peppermint Bark. I've tried to recreate it. It worked, but still not as good.
14. Netflix - on the wii, tv, ipad, iphone, ipod
15. Holiday movies - Christmas Vacation is my FAV!  Halloween is never too early! 
16. Hobby Lobby - always a sale, love their decor, I can always find something I love
17. Turkey bacon - healthier, less greasy, leaves you feeling better than the real stuff. 
18. Lemon oil or any oil by Aura Cacia - I love LEMONS! Burn it, put it in the bath, rub some on your wrist, add it to your homemade scrub
19. Keyring App - never carry those grocery store reward cards again! :) 
20. Saturday Night Live - Laughing reduces stress. Stress is the silent killer. Watch SNL. 
21. My crock pot - check out Stephanie O'Dea's "Year of Slow Cooking"
22. Black forest cherry caramel apples - trust me. you want one. (no pic. pretty sure I'll have to recreate this myself)
23. Victoria Secret - No secret here. Wear what makes you feel beautiful and girly! Splurge the extra $$ on it - you're worth it! 
24. AdvoCare Spark - wanna buy some? I sell it. :) One in the AM, one in the PM - this is how I survive work, kids, etc. 
25. Blankets - Since I was little I always loved them. My favorite was given to me by a student in 2007. The tag has worn down so no idea where it came from. It soft and warm on one side and slick and cool on the other. *snuggle*
26. TOMS - Yes, the shoes you buy and someone else gets a pair. It's true. And they are SO comfy. I want to wear them everyday! 
27. Pomegranates - red, juicy, sweet, messy. What's not to love?!
28. Sally's Beauty Supply Bobby Pins - THEY REALLY HOLD! :) 
29. Chocolate Covered Cherries from Sprouts - always a weekly treat to myself
30. Criminal Minds - CBS, Wed - I know it's not light hearted but I love mysteries and the characters! 
31. Cranberry Orange Scones - a weekly treat over donuts in our house! Kids LOVE 'em! (adults do too!) Easy "fake out" for people who think you slaved in the kitchen. ;) 
32. Elf on the Shelf - by far my favorite family holiday tradition. Elf mischief is FUN! :) If you have kids, you NEED ONE! 
33. Elderberry Spray - I start it in September! The spray is much more acceptable by the kids, too!  
34.  FRXtion Sugar Exfoliator and Lip Balm - not all balms are created equal. I've very picky about mine. This is a sugar scrub and lip balm in one! The case has a tiny mirror, too! Always almost sold out when I go in for it. 


35. This quote: "We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the ONLY path. ~Paulo Coelho 

Difficulties

The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be. – Horace Bushnell


To each person that I, personally, know is hurting at this very moment - you are an inspiration to me. 


At some point in the past few weeks, you've made me smile a genuine smile and I've been consciously grateful for you and the moments we shared. 

Your strength is evident. 

The struggle you are lying down in today is the strength that will get you through to tomorrow. 

Love each of you more than you know, 

T

An Open Letter To YOU

I never really thought about blogging an "open letter" but after reading my friend, T's blog for several years I decided I really liked the concept. She's written several "open letters" here.


Her advice before I started was simple - "Be honest. Take responsibility to what you're contributing to the "relationship" and just write because it, simply, cures all."


So, before I begin I want to say that there is nothing that I've written here that has not been said in person at least once before to this particular person. 


Dear You (you know who you are), 


I've struggled for a very long time with our relationship. There seems to be a misrepresentation between your words and your actions and I've been aware of that for much longer than you know. 


When I think of you the following words come to mind: angry, bitter, hurting, judgmental, cold, controlling and facade. 


Those are definitely not the words I'd like to come to mind, though. They are quite the opposite. I wish a different group of words would flow, but they don't. Long ago I accepted this fact.  


I gave up the grandiose idea and expectation of what I thought we were or should be. I began to realize that I was just an easy target. Could it possibly be because I was one of the few to stand up to you? Was it because I wasn't one that could be controlled and manipulated with the passive-agressive behavior? Could it have been that you knew I could see right through you to the true form and not continue to believe the facade you "put on" for everyone else? 


For so long you actually had me believing that it was me who wasn't thinking or acting rational. I would wrestle with believing that I  had the problem, as you so often told me and that I was really instigating all of the conflict. And more often than not, I actually believed your apology just thinking that you weren't aware of your actions. 


You seem to have such a different perception of my reality. My reality of our time together is dark, ugly, and sad. To deny that would be to deny me. My process is not your process. 


So how have I contributed to this relationship? Well, after many years of reflection, soul searching, and accepting the past I acknowledge that for a certain time I, too, was angry, bitter, hurting, judgmental and cold. For two people to possess those qualities at the same time was a  pool of disaster on a daily basis. 


Night after night for so long, I would lie in bed and cry out and wonder what I could do to change it all. I searched and prayed for the answers. I looked to you for answers only to be thrown blame in my face. I looked to you  for some sort of guidance or map so I could navigate to a better part of our relationship but only ran into judgement and disapproval. Time and time again, I only came up empty. 


As the distance between us grew, I began to see that I could be a completely different person when you weren't around. I could be happy, grateful, hopeful, loving, and unselfish. I learned something that many already knew - "You become what you are surrounded by." I realized that many of my best relationships of the past were ruined by MY SELFISHNESS, MY ANGER, and MY HURT. Everyday I live with remorse and regret to certain people from my past and hope they know that today, I'm a better version of myself. 


I saw myself learn, grow, accept, mature, love, and see outside of myself for the very first time in my life. It was the most exhilarating experience. I couldn't get enough and slowly the tiny dreamer from long ago became the big dreamer of today. I learned one of the keys to happiness - things are not all about you. 


I've replayed moments spent together over and over in my mind and wondered how I could win your true, loving approval. But as I sit here today reflecting over our last interaction, I realize it's not me you're unhappy with, it's you. You cannot be happy with anyone unless you're first happy with yourself. 


I can say that without a doubt I know that I've at least tried daily for many years to change myself for the better in hopes of making all relationships in my life better, including ours.  Despite anything we ever went through, despite the hurts, despite the conflicts, there IS a way to leave behind the bitterness and anger. You have to choose to do that every second at first, and then every minute and then every hour, and then every day. It doesn't come easy - nothing worth having IS. But it's a choice nonetheless.


Next week I turn 35 and I can finally say with confidence that I forgive you and accept that we are what we are together or apart. Honestly, the best thing is love from a far. 


I still hope that one day if only just for one day you can experience true happiness with yourself. That's a gift that no one can give you, but YOU. 




Always grateful,