The best things I ever did......

I'm back blogging. Again. 

It's been almost an unbelievable month since I've blogged. Like the past few years of my life, this past month was a bit stressful. I really cannot pinpoint why, but it definitely affected my health. I've never been so sick as I was this past month. I *do* believe: stress kills. It caught up with me and wouldn't let go. I'm so glad to be blogging again, though. It's a sign I'm gaining against the stress. Writing is as good for my soul as chocolate.

Not talking.

I think one of the best things I ever did was NOT talk about what was going on in my life while it was going on. It was already too much to deal with for me and my circle of trust but there was no way I could've repeated all that was happening to everyone who was just curious. I would pass on this advice to anyone I know going through a struggle and ironically, I have passed it on to two different friends in the past month. It's funny how everyone thinks they know what's going on in your life based on a facebook status or by what they hear from others. It's even funnier that people actually were offended that I didn't take the time to tell them everything. Truthfully, though, we all struggle with something on a daily basis. It doesn't mean we always have to talk about it, right? Hence, the reason I haven't really been blogging. 

Getting married.

This sort of goes along with "not talking." I stopped living my life for everyone else. After all, they only knew pieces of my life. I stopped thinking of what others thought. I decided that not talking really helped give me permission to feel what I felt and begin living my life. It allowed me time to grieve, time to love my girls, time to find a "new normal." I'm running my race. It will never be like anyone else's. It will require things that aren't required of others. So, when Jason came into my life I had pretty much thought that I would go the rest of the race alone. I was ok with that, too. But then, he became "the list." The list I should've made at 17. The list I tell my girls about now. The list empowers you and allows you to really know yourself. Besides the list, I let the girls lead. I made no decision without knowing how they felt about it first. I didn't go forward with anything unless I knew that they were safe, secure, and solid in the next steps. So, just as everyone was really finding out about the divorce, we were already past that stage and feeling out just how Jason would fit into our family. Now, here we are. And it cracks me up when people are so surprised. For us, we are settled and ready to see what the future holds! In a small town, many of you know what a feat that is - going a whole year w/out anyone really knowing or being able to give their opinions. It just kills some people. ;) 

Reading.

Since Friday I have finished the third of the Twilight series, Fireproof, and am now 1/2 way done with Breaking Dawn. One of my other favorite reads is a blog written by my friend, T. I love her blogs b/c they are real, raw, and truthful. They aren't always happy face blogs, but she always inspires me. They ALWAYS trigger strong emotion after I finish them. She, like all of us, is on a quest to better know her life, her relationships, and herself. I don't get to comment every time, but tonight I want to tribute her and her writing. She's not afraid to say what she thinks or feels. Check her out! 

Vacating.

No kidding. The minute I left town and went into the cool mountains of NM, my stomach pain stopped. I slept more than I have in a year. I laughed and loved and listened. The silence. Being on top of a mountain and stopping in your tracks is fabulous. You are there. God is there. I know he speaks in the silence. If only we could find more time to find the silence. I know we would all be much wiser and calmer. So, I'm back home and ready for relaxation, no sense of time and for the silence to envelope around me. 

Girls. 

They've always been the best things I've ever done. They are my breath, my life, and my sunshine. I learn more about myself just by watching and listening to them. Maddie is 1/2 of me and Avery the other 1/2. I see my flaws in them, my talents, and more than anything God's grace in each of them. I'm so blessed to be their mama! 

So, this summer we all will be doing something that we love. 

Maddie will be taking art camp. Art heals her and allows her to speak through drawing. I love that she's tuned into this at such a young age. 

Avery will start ballet. If you only knew how often she spins around to music......She thrilled about doing something that is all her own. 

And I'm tossing around an idea of my own. I've never taken any kind of dance class, but I'm seriously thinking of signing up for one. 

Life is too short to have regrets. 

Life is too short to wonder what if. 

Life is too short to not try the things you've always wanted to do. 

Go. Do them. I'm giving you permission. It will be the best thing you ever did....

A Mother's Legacy

I could sit with you over coffee and tell you in detail what it was like to have both girls close to me before they were born. I remember both exact moments that I knew I was pregnant. The pregnancies were as different as the girls personalities are today. 

Funny that I got a piece of great advice from a dad, right? Not so much. He understood the weight of leaving a great legacy to your children. He told me while I was pregnant with Maddie how he wrote letters to each of his children on everyone of their birthdays. His plan was to give them all the letters on their 18th or 21st birthday. What a great idea! 

I set out to write them through pregnancy AND through their birthday's, as well. I tucked each letter with care into their baby books. As the years pass, I know I've missed writing those letters on their exact birthday's but I have written them letters each year entailing the various stages of their lives, their friends, their funniest moments or sayings, their likes and dislikes, and some sort of advice from the vantage point of wherever I am in my own life. 

This was something I missed as a child and young adult. I never have any reference to go to about what I was like as a child, at least not anything documented besides my baby book. Being adopted, I have TWO moms to thank. I'm sure I wrote about it before even though today I cannot find it. I had a student once ask if I was mad at my birth mother. No one had EVER asked me that question in all the years I've been inquired. I honestly can tell you, as a mom now, that I admire her more than ever. To give up something so precious in order to make their life better whatever her circumstances, wow, that's true love. I'm almost sure I couldn't do it. That alone is an example of one legacy. 

So today I wanted to offer you the idea of leaving your kids a token of a mother's love. Write them a letter. Why? 

1. Leave your Legacy: leave your beliefs and values, let them get to know who you are down to the core, they will find a sense of self by knowing who you are.

2. Give your kids a voice, especially your daughters. Empower them by letting them know they count. 

3. Strengthen bonds: Just by writing to your children now you are strengthening your bond.

4. Family Essence: to keep a family strong. In church yesterday, they gave many examples of great people (presidents) who only had strong women in their lives. Even if it's just you as a mom without a father role in your household, it's absolutely possible to keep your family strong. This is one example. 

5. Give thanks. One thing I often tell the girls is that I'm so glad God chose me to be their mom. I am so thankful for each of the girls in my life and tell them often things that I learn from them. This can be a life altering thing for a young child, to know they make a difference no matter where they are in their life or age.

6. Make amends. As moms, we know we are not perfect. We know we make mistakes. We do our very best and do better when we know better. This is the perfect opportunity to show our vulnerability to our kids and let them know we still love them even if we don't have all the answers to life. 

7. Keep connected. As your kids read your letters, they will always get to see a glimpse of your personality. It will bring them an everlasting connection to your heart. 

8. Words for Growth. Words have the power to heal, allow growth, create a better understanding, to bring closure and to allow or open the door for communication. As a women, I know how important this for my girls. 

9.  Peace of mind. I know from experience, after writing any letter to the girls, I have a great sense of relief. To give them a tiny glimpse into life at that very moment. It's something that I may never be able to do fifteen years down the road. 

10. The perfect gift. Much of the reason that I blog is for the girls. The main reason for writing my book is for the girls. I could care less if I sell one single copy or make any money. I want to leave them my experiences, my lessons, my loves, my disappointments, my hopes, my beliefs and my words. It is a gift that I am certain will make a difference in their lives. 

For all of you moms, for all your journeys, heartaches, dreams, struggles and triumphs.....

Happy Mother's Day! 

Life is a Theatre - Invite Your Audience Carefully...

Today I found this by accident. Or was it?

Not everyone is spiritually healthy and mature enough to have a front row seat in our lives.  There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.

It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships, fellowships.

Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention to: Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know and appreciate you and the gift that lies within you?

When you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

You cannot change the people around you but you can change the people you are around.

Ask God for godly wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.

- Author Unknown

Avery- ham Lincoln

Here's some fun news for this week: 

In preschool, both girls began studying about the presidents with focus on George Washington and Abraham Lincoln . Their teachers always taught them a cute little song about how parents these days don't dress like those crazy presidents did. 

So, a few weeks ago when the girls woke up we were watching Good Morning America. (yeah, i like ABC and so if they want to stay in my room they know they have to be game to watch it with me. Ok, so anyway . . .GMA was discussing something about the presidents. 

Avery looked at me and said "Remember that guy I colored at preschool?"

 I said "Which guy?!" 

 "Avery-ham Lincoln." 

"OH! You mean Abraham Lincoln!"

"No, mama! It's Avery-ham!" 

"Ok, Avery." :) 

My Avery-ham will turn 4 on the 24th (Friday). I cannot believe that 4 years ago I was in labor with her watching the Pope's funeral and discussing the Mavericks in the playoffs with my dr during post delivery. 

She was such a good, calm, baby. Well, most of the time. I remember that one night (ha - I'm sure there were many more) that I had only 2 hrs of sleep. I was sitting on the couch holding her, flipping through the TV channels, crying, just wanting someone to come rescue me. Or at least have them allow me an hour of uninterrupted sleep. 

As she grew into the preschooler she is now, I've learned so much about her personality and about myself as her mom. 

In traditional fashion, just as I have honored her being a year older before,  I'm honoring her with this blog today. 

 - She loves running. She runs everywhere. I even had to buy her NIKE shoes so that she would have less chance of falling. 

- She just learned to peel Clementine oranges. She thinks she sooo big. ;) 

- She hates for me to comb her hair in the mornings. Often she goes to the babysitter just as she woke up. 

- She is not afraid to say what she thinks - no matter who it is about or who is around. 

- She prefers Diego over Dora. 

- The kid lives on pasta and bologna. Seriously. 

- She loves music. Sings all the time. Makes up dances and shakes her "bootay" anytime she hears a song. 

- She has this knack for talking with accents. British accents are her specialty still. "Can I get the tangos (tangles) out of your hair?" 

- She likes to add "baby" behind everyone's name. Everyone. 

- She recently loves praying. She can pray a deep prayer that would put anyone in their place. "Mama, God always does what He says." 

- She can recite Madagascar 2 to you at the drop of a hat. She loves saying "I like 'em big, I like 'em chunky, I like 'em round." 

I once said that she was the funniest person I know and it still holds true to this day. She has such a big heart and bright eyes and such an outgoing personality when you get to know her. 

She has enriched my life in so many ways and I'm so thankful for her everyday! I'm so glad that I get to be her mama-baby. :)

Happy  4th Birthday, Avery-ham! 

I'm trying. Really.

I hate this week. I'm saying it. Disagree if you must, but every single day this week it  "plan b" has popped up. I don't just mean in my life, but in those around me, also. 

Today, I sat in my 6th funeral in 8 years. Every single one was for a student who died suddenly by either a health condition or a car accident. I live for my students just as they were my own children. They touch my life just like my own girls. I mourn for them just as I did my own brother. 

This week, something that I was really hoping for turned out to not happen. It won't happen. That opportunity just wasn't in the cards. I'm working on accepting that. 

After getting home from the funeral, I tried to struggle through those emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I do not feel faithful today. I know what I said yesterday. I know. But my heart cannot take all the pain of those around me. 

After thinking I was better, I went onto Facebook only to find that one of my very close friends had updated her blog. Please go there. Now. Read it and join with us in prayer and positive thoughts for Karly. They need as many people as possible to support them during this difficult time. 

Here I am today. Yes, I'm asking God "Why?" I'm only human right? I can only be positive so long. Today I'm done. I'm sad. Being there gathered for  Karley (yes her name, too). Remembering all the times she sat in my class, all the times I had to force her to drink her Monster drink before she walked in my room, seeing her page with our class pictures on it, it's all hard to swallow. Watching her mom walk down to the pew, I had a flashback of my own brother's funeral. So, today, I'm allowing myself to ask "Why?" 

Why does plan B have to show up in our lives? I know it's all part of a bigger plan. I know, but yet my heart doesn't comply with that thought today. I know that God takes all things and makes them for good, but the pain isn't resolved today at all by that thought. I know all of this, yet, I continue to ask "why." 

Walking by Faith

This week and last week my readers could definitely tell that the issue of faith has been on my mind. There are a few things in my life that I'm really having to let go and let God, if you will.

Faith and Grace are both names I chose for the girls middle names. I chose them for a multitude of reasons, but mainly because I believe that we cannot live abundantly without either of these things. They are difficult to remember in times of hardship, but so very important for our growth as a human.

Faith has definitely been on my mind a lot this month. I have been thinking and contemplating it a lot. Last week, the church service mentioned a story about Blondin. He was a guy who put up a tight rope over Niagra Falls. He walked across many times and used many theatrical approaches. People on either side of the rope believed he could do it and cheered, but upon asking if someone would volunteer to travel on his back as he crossed there was only silence.

It's easy for us to be faithful. Easy to have faith in others, faith in ourselves, faith in God, if it is from afar. It's easy to be faithful when things are going our way. We praise when things work out exactly how we picture. But what if they don't? What if the end result is not what we were expecting? What if we are asked to put our faith just one step further? What do we do then?

Faith to me means being faithful in all circumstances, continuing our faith even when our expectations take a turn in the opposite direction. We must have faith especially in times of tests and tribulation. Faith is jumping on that tight rope even when everyone around us sits in silence and thinks you are crazy. :)

Thanking Tuesday

I've decided to be thankful for those things I'm not fond of head-on. Bring on the wind. Bring on Tuesdays. 

3:00  AM - wake to see J off

7:00 AM -Oops! I got up late. Maddie is already dressed and ready. Wow. 

7:15 AM - breakfast for me and girls; Avery gets up. Finally. 

7:30 AM - still working on my makeup and all of our bedheads

7:45 AM - out the door. Whew!

8:00 AM - must be ready to meet with elementary school principal regarding her laptop

9:00 AM - must be at the administration bldg for a technology meeting

11:45 AM - leave early for presentation at elementary. 

12:05 PM - realize that I'm way early for meeting. I jet off for a quick lunch. 

12:25 PM - back at elementary and present to the sweet kindergarteners. 

1:10 PM - leave fun, small children; en route to bigger, more sarcastic children at HS. 

1:20 PM - meet with co-worker; discuss weekend briefly

1:30 PM - bell rings; 13 broadcast students pile in and begin working on their projects

2:00 PM - realize my lesson plans are STILL late

2:30 PM - class almost over; vice principal surprise visit

2:45 PM - break free to make it to the elementary school once more for Tuesday Tech Training

3:00 PM - check on Madison and her friend. Homework is a must!

3:15 PM - give my teachers a wealth of information about technology, professional development and skype. 

3:45 PM - leave finally after individual questions. 

3:50 PM - Avery is dropped off by my BFF Kim. 

3:52 PM - time for the BOOKFAIR. At least I get to miss tonight's crowd. 

4:15 PM - time to run to the store

4:30 PM - one errand left, but it can WAIT. 

5:00 PM- Finally home. *sigh*

Was this day crazy? Maybe. Was it abundant? Maybe. 

On this Tuesday, I took time to breath, albeit in between stop lights and slow trash men, but breaths all the same.  I took time to acknowledge my gratitude for my job.  

The most impactful moment of my day? The second I found out the news that a former student was found dead in her bedroom early this morning. 

Stop. 

I'm breathing. Have a job. My girls. Our health. All that we truly need. 

Tuesdays are full of blessings, after all.