Easier

On any given summer morning you can find me relaxing after a good workout with my computer. I love reading. Anything. Still working on that last Twilight series. Yes, still. 

The past few years I usually read most everything on the Internet. Blogs included. There's something about reading what other people are going through. Learning that I'm not alone in whatever struggle has tackled me at that moment. Reading words of inspiration and different perspectives in order to open my mind just a bit more. 

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The past week or so as I read, I realize a very common thing in most of the blogs: fear. Whether it be the anxiety of the unknown future, the "skeered" feeling you get right down in your stomach when taking a risk of any kind, fear of putting themselves out there in relationships, or just the basic  insecurities of find that one person in the world that makes life easier. 

Fear is such strong emotion. It causes anger, bitterness, detachment, conflict, strain . . . I could go on and on and on. I won't. That's a whole different blog that I will touch on later. 

Why do we fear the thing we want the most? 

- a new job

- losing weight

- a better relationship

- taking a risk

- accepting love/friendship

Here's what I think: 

 

We fear what will happen once we have what we want. It's not the actual "thing" we want that we fear as much as it is the AFTER. 

I've always said to my students "Feel the fear and do it anyway." 

Fear can control your entire life unless you allow yourself to feel it and keep going. This is what makes your life a lived life. 

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No matter what we want, what we fear, or where we are in life we all want that person next to us to make life easier. 

"And I'm not afraid

Nothing you can say that's gonna make me walk
away
No matter what you do I
promise you I'm gonna stay
You need someone like me to make it easier"

I'm sitting here writing and living the life I've always asked and prayed for - for once, I've weeded out all the dramatic people in my life who suck the energy right out of me. I have a job a truly enjoy that allows me time to spend with the girls more often than not. I have two great children who fill my heart with laughter and joy every day of the week. I have the friends I've always knew existed. I have found the man that is every "check" on my "list." 

Is that scary? I'd be lying if I told you "no." It IS scary to have everything you've ever asked for, dreamed of, and prayed about. It is scary to know that having what we want in life is up to us. It's scary knowing that in order to keep all of it we have to work through our own fears so that all will blossom into much more than we could every imagine. It's scary to know that life is 10% what happens to us and 90%  who we become because of it. 

It's up to us to feel the fears and push through them. It's up to us to not allow them to run out lives. 

Having someone there to make it easier is a true blessing, but even so, we alone have to push ourselves higher - elevate - and "do it anyway" in order to be who we really are meant to be. 

Own It

Once again, my friend, T, has started my wheels turning. 

She posted about a good blog and I went there to read after a long day of waiting in line at various places. I didn't expect to be enlightened. I didn't expect that the subject matter would coincidentally run right along with what I've been experiencing. 

Something that I've learned after 2 marriages, lots of relationships, and looking myself in the mirror often is that I have issues. He has issues. They have issues. We all have issues. 

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times, a little hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -- Marilyn Monroe.

I feel like I'm in a constant quest to find these issues, look them straight in the face, and stomp them out of existence. 

These issues randomly show their ugly face  and force me to deal with them. When I'm living consciously it's easy to pin point the issue, deal with it and move on. 

When I'm not conscious the issue has the ability to last a lot longer than I'd like. 

The thing about Jason and I is that the minute we met, we began discussing our issues and recognizing what we needed to work on individually. This is probably one big reason that out of everyone in the world, I feel the most comfortable with him; I feel safe to be me, feel what I feel, and ask for what I need. 

Together we recognize our "triggers" and talk them out. 

Last night was a perfect example. Something set me off. A work thing. Had absolutely nothing to do with anyone I love. I was furious. So mad that I yelled and then entered the "I can't speak" mode. Jason has never seen me this mad. Heck, it has been a long time since I've felt that mad. 

He wasn't sure how to react. I wasn't sure how to vent. So, I left and went for a long run. I didn't know leaving would trigger an issue with him. I didn't realize right then that my leaving wasn't really necessary when he was right there ready to walk me through the vent. 

It wasn't my intention to push him away or to trigger an issue. 

The biggest blessing about our relationship is that we communicate. It's hard. I won't lie. It takes COMPLETE presence. If I need something, I say it. If he has an issue, he brings it up. Our respect for the other is so much so that we've never truly had a "fight."  Between the two of us, we've had our fair share of  "sure-fail" relationships. It was through those encounters, though, that we both learned what's most important. Together we are much different people than we were with those past men or women. With age and experience, we got to this point. 

He explained that my anger and leaving set something off in him. I explained that I am *still* getting use to having him as a safeguard during every emotion. I've never had that. I have to remind myself *still* that my issues are not our issues. 

My issues are my issues. His issues are his issues and... in order to push through those fears, insecurities, and anxieties.........

We must own them. 

Blech

Blech. 

Blech. 

Blech. 

I haven't blogged lately because this is how I feel. I'll say it again. Blech.

Today was blech. I feel down. Not really depressed but emotional. Sad. Angry. Annoyed. I can't say why, but it wasn't the best day in history, right? 

I wasn't a HUGE fan of Farrah or Michael. And Ed never showed up at my door knocking with a million dollar prize. But just as I am human, anytime a human life is mourned I get sad along with everyone else. 

All of a sudden I want to sit and listen to Michael Jackson songs. It would be a first. I don't think I even own one song. 

The one thing that has really been bothering me lately is the fact that I'm sick. Not like the flu or a cold. Honestly, I don't really know what I have, which is part of the frustrating part. If you don't know what it is, you don't really know how to help the problem. I do my best to exercise and eat whole organic foods, but I really have no idea if it's helping at all. 

Many people, especially those I grew up with probably had no idea, but at age 11 I was diagnosed with something called Crohn's disease. After reseach, drs don't know what causes it and only know how to control it. It will never just go away. Severe cases required medication. I never really had difficulty with it and other than a few "episodes" during stressful times in my teen years, no one would've known I had it. My right side usually hurts much like apendicitis, but it's not. The pain is usually so bad that I cannot walk. But it usually doesn't last more than a few hours and I've never had to take regular medication for the symptoms. 

I do have to stay away from the following: broccoli, roughage (lettuce), fried foods, caffeine, refined sugars, cheese, milk.............

See? even some of the good stuff isn't good for me. BLECH. 

It obviously had no effect on having kids. I went through 2 pregnancies and had no flare ups. I've had to go through the tests though. Twice so far. Usually once every 10 years. You know, the test where you have to drink that chalky drink? BLECH. They never really found any sign of distress during those tests. 

However, in the past 6 weeks I've had 2 of the most difficult flare ups that I've ever experienced in my life. What concerns me the most is: 1. No one really knows what is causing it. 2. The pain is much different and  much worse  than ever before. 

So. Monday I will call my new best friend, Dr. Eidem and schedule another round of tests. I'm less than thrilled to say the least, but for peace of mind I must know if the Chron's is getting worse, if it might not be the Crohn's, or if I just have too many stressful people in my life. 

There were some perks to the day, though, and as I always say an attitude of gratitude is the only way to live: 

* I spent time with my favorite girls, even with a pointless meeting thrown in the day.

* Maddie, Avery and I got colored hair today. Pink AND Purple. We had to get blonde hair 1st.

*I am abundantly blessed with a loving, hard working husband. 

* I finished off the day with my new favorite drink: Cranberry Pomegranate. YUM. 

* Tomorrow I have the day off. I have the next day off, too. And the next 5 weeks, as well. 

"I thank God for my handicaps, because through them I have found myself, my work, and my God." ~ Helen Keller

The Climb

Every time I turn on the radio, it seems that Miley Cyrus is in my head.......

Her stardom reminds me so much of my own childhood with New Kids on the Block, Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, etc. . 

The girls love her and The Jonas Brothers. I should probably think about getting tickets for them. Wouldn't I be the cool mom for the year? (like that's my main goal in life. HA!)

So, I bought The Climb from iTunes and added it to the iPod for the girls to listen to in the car.

 

On my runs lately it seems that it continuously comes on and I can't help but listen. . . . 

I can almost see it

That dream I'm dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

_________________________

Wow. This reminds me of the past year and a half. 

My faith was shaking. 

Never really thought I could reach any goal during such a difficult time. But I knew for the girls sake I couldn't give up. 

I had to keep going. 

Moving. 

_________________________

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Aint' about what's waitin on the other side

It's the climb

____________________

No matter what is going on in life, there will ALWAYS be another obstacle. Another goal.

No matter when we get to the "other side" there will always be another steep hill to climb. 

I will always want to move mountains. 

As much as I like to succeed at ALL things in my life, I have to accept that I will not ALWAYS win. 

___________________

The struggles I'm facing

The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down

But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it

But these are the moments that 

I'm gonna remember most

Just gotta keep going

______________________

Things might push me down to the ground, but I will always land on my hands and knees and stand up strong again. 

The difficult times, the struggles, the joys behind those and because of those struggles ARE the things I will remember most. 

This is what life is about, really, isn't it? 

The climb. 

Marital Bliss

As I sit down after a long run, sipping a protein shake, giving myself a facial and beginning to watch He's Just Not That Into You, I continue to think of something my friend, T, said in a twitter message: "marital bliss" 

Ironic that this is the name of my post and I'm watching this movie? Life cracks me up sometimes. :) 

So, as you know Jason and I have been married a little less than a month. I'm not sure that I ever truly experienced bliss with anyone before him. Sure, I thought I did with a, b, c, and d, but truthfully, what Jason and I share is really unexplainable. 

- No, boys don't say mean things to us if they like/love us

- No, boys don't avoid us because we're "more successful" than they are

-No, he doesn't like us so much that he's waiting 4 days to call

-No, it's not because he's never had a serious relationship or b/c he's just getting over one

Why do we lie to each other? Obviously, if we're telling someone that, we are trying to comfort them and not make the truth so hard to take. Wow. It is what it is, ladies. 

We need to be looking for those men that are into us as much as we are into them. 

I'm definitely going to sit Madison and Avery down and add this to the list of things they must know as women. 

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So, marital bliss. 

Yeah, it really is. Though, it doesn't feel any different than before. And there are times when I find myself hesitating to tell anyone about it because I don't want to make them gag. My friend (I'll call her "Goose") explained it this way: 

"Really going to miss my Joe next week. I know people say it's not healthy to be this attached, but I think those people are just miserable in their marriages. LOL!"

Goose and Joe have been married 4 years and are one of my favorite couples on earth. It's easy to see and feel the love they share. It is heart-warming to be that close to love.

Goose and Joe share something that Jason and I know all about. 

I have never had so much fun with a person in my life. Jason makes me laugh all the time. And most of the stuff that makes us laugh, no one else would find worthy of even a smirk. 

It is hard being away from him for even hours. It feels strange to not be close to him. For months were hours away from each other. We spent so much time talking on the phone at first, that you would faint. Although, this was really a great thing, because we were able to cut out the BS and really get to know each other. Of course we do spend time apart, but it doesn't mean that we both wish we could be doing everything together. 

I feel more safe with him than anyone. Growing up, I sort of just began leaning on myself and not really relying on others. I didn't trust them. I knew I could trust me. With Jason, though I know that I'm safe. No matter what. Not just physically, emotionally, etc. I'm safe to not be perfect. I'm safe to be silly. I'm safe to be risky. Safe to say things I've never said to anyone else. I'm safe to learn new things. I'm safe to continue exploring who I am. I'm safe to not have all the answers. I'm safe to recognize my faults and fix them. I can be freaking out and take one look into his eyes and be as calm as ever. 

No expectations. For the first time in my life, I decided from the start that I would NOT place any unreasonable expectations on our relationship. I don't mean the basic expectations of a relationship, but I'm talking about the ludicrous, absurd expectations that many of us put on another person. The weird thing is that not placing those unreasonable expectations on our relationship actually made us stronger. Who knew?

Like Me. I often say that Jason is the guy version of me. He loads his burgers with ketchup and mustard and dips his fries in the mustard. He likes driving around. He loves going out for coffee. He only likes going to movies that he knows he will like. He is a mult-tasker. He enjoys almost every music genre and knows the exact same songs I use to listen to while growing up. He references items in the same wording that I did when I was little. He's not afraid to take risks. He doesn't allow what people think to run his life. He's so much like me, that it floors me sometimes. 

I often wondered if a guy like Jason existed. As a girl, I had this vision of the relationship I wanted. I wanted the puppy dog, first love, best friend, passionate kind of love all wrapped up in one. Don't we all? 

But as time went by, that vision was restructured by every relationship I ever had. And somewhere along the way I lost the initial vision. 

It took 32 years, but I've never been more sure of anything in my life. 

He's definitely as into me as I am into him. ♥

You Deserve It

Here's what I love about the universe - you always get what you need when you need it. Usually we attract what is given to us, what we see, or what we hear. 

Don't believe me? Try being conscious for the next week. If I'm wrong, tell me. However, I'm confident that you'll hear something briefly on TV or the radio, someone will say or do something at just the right time; at the exact time that you need to hear it or receive it. 

I've talked before about one of my favorite authors, SQuire Rushnell. He has written a series of books called "When God Winks." His thought is that God "winks" at you through your everyday life if you'll just be aware enough to notice. 

This morning I woke up early and turned on the TV. It was on PBS. I never watch PBS unless Calliou is on and I'm with the girls. 

I gave it 5 seconds and was drawn in by this guy: http://www.drwaynedyer.com/

He wrote a book called "Excuses BeGone" and was inspired by books: 1. "Virus of the Mind" 2. "Biology of Belief"

He began talking about excuses that we all have for things that we want to happen: changing habits, starting a new career, moving, following a dream. . . .

Although, I'm not buying any of his products (products and ideas can mostly be found online),  I found myself not able to change the channel. Here is one of the thoughts that he shared that really made me stop and think:

I Don't Deserve It.

Happiness

Love

Acceptance

Success

Friendship

I actually just said this to myself yesterday: "What did I do to deserve to be so happy?"

Jason said to me, "Don't question God." 

I pondered on that thought all night and probably through my dreams. Then this morning here's this guy talking about the same thing. And he says "We are all from God. Why would God make such great creatures who are NOT deserving of all the above?" 

Ok, God. Point taken. 

The best things I ever did......

I'm back blogging. Again. 

It's been almost an unbelievable month since I've blogged. Like the past few years of my life, this past month was a bit stressful. I really cannot pinpoint why, but it definitely affected my health. I've never been so sick as I was this past month. I *do* believe: stress kills. It caught up with me and wouldn't let go. I'm so glad to be blogging again, though. It's a sign I'm gaining against the stress. Writing is as good for my soul as chocolate.

Not talking.

I think one of the best things I ever did was NOT talk about what was going on in my life while it was going on. It was already too much to deal with for me and my circle of trust but there was no way I could've repeated all that was happening to everyone who was just curious. I would pass on this advice to anyone I know going through a struggle and ironically, I have passed it on to two different friends in the past month. It's funny how everyone thinks they know what's going on in your life based on a facebook status or by what they hear from others. It's even funnier that people actually were offended that I didn't take the time to tell them everything. Truthfully, though, we all struggle with something on a daily basis. It doesn't mean we always have to talk about it, right? Hence, the reason I haven't really been blogging. 

Getting married.

This sort of goes along with "not talking." I stopped living my life for everyone else. After all, they only knew pieces of my life. I stopped thinking of what others thought. I decided that not talking really helped give me permission to feel what I felt and begin living my life. It allowed me time to grieve, time to love my girls, time to find a "new normal." I'm running my race. It will never be like anyone else's. It will require things that aren't required of others. So, when Jason came into my life I had pretty much thought that I would go the rest of the race alone. I was ok with that, too. But then, he became "the list." The list I should've made at 17. The list I tell my girls about now. The list empowers you and allows you to really know yourself. Besides the list, I let the girls lead. I made no decision without knowing how they felt about it first. I didn't go forward with anything unless I knew that they were safe, secure, and solid in the next steps. So, just as everyone was really finding out about the divorce, we were already past that stage and feeling out just how Jason would fit into our family. Now, here we are. And it cracks me up when people are so surprised. For us, we are settled and ready to see what the future holds! In a small town, many of you know what a feat that is - going a whole year w/out anyone really knowing or being able to give their opinions. It just kills some people. ;) 

Reading.

Since Friday I have finished the third of the Twilight series, Fireproof, and am now 1/2 way done with Breaking Dawn. One of my other favorite reads is a blog written by my friend, T. I love her blogs b/c they are real, raw, and truthful. They aren't always happy face blogs, but she always inspires me. They ALWAYS trigger strong emotion after I finish them. She, like all of us, is on a quest to better know her life, her relationships, and herself. I don't get to comment every time, but tonight I want to tribute her and her writing. She's not afraid to say what she thinks or feels. Check her out! 

Vacating.

No kidding. The minute I left town and went into the cool mountains of NM, my stomach pain stopped. I slept more than I have in a year. I laughed and loved and listened. The silence. Being on top of a mountain and stopping in your tracks is fabulous. You are there. God is there. I know he speaks in the silence. If only we could find more time to find the silence. I know we would all be much wiser and calmer. So, I'm back home and ready for relaxation, no sense of time and for the silence to envelope around me. 

Girls. 

They've always been the best things I've ever done. They are my breath, my life, and my sunshine. I learn more about myself just by watching and listening to them. Maddie is 1/2 of me and Avery the other 1/2. I see my flaws in them, my talents, and more than anything God's grace in each of them. I'm so blessed to be their mama! 

So, this summer we all will be doing something that we love. 

Maddie will be taking art camp. Art heals her and allows her to speak through drawing. I love that she's tuned into this at such a young age. 

Avery will start ballet. If you only knew how often she spins around to music......She thrilled about doing something that is all her own. 

And I'm tossing around an idea of my own. I've never taken any kind of dance class, but I'm seriously thinking of signing up for one. 

Life is too short to have regrets. 

Life is too short to wonder what if. 

Life is too short to not try the things you've always wanted to do. 

Go. Do them. I'm giving you permission. It will be the best thing you ever did....